Forever femme

Happy Birthday!!

2011-10-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody, I know I've been gone for ten thousand years. I really don't have an explanation, well I do but it will take ten thousand more years and really... who has time for that. I don't.

This is Happy Blog day!! Happy birthday to The Diva!! My sweet, darling, 17 year old girl! I love her so much, and I am so proud of her, and I am blessed to have been allowed to have been part of her life for the last 5 years.

She has grown so much in the last 5 years, I wish I had a picture for every day of her life. I wish I had been there in the pictures where she is chubby-cheeked and smiling for all the world to see.

I wish I had been there when my mother 'guilted' her 'new' granddaughter into smiling for the pictures she took days ago. I love the fact that she loves my mom and calls her 'Grammy' like she had grown up all her life with a Grammy. Y'all, I wish like hell I could put a brick on her head and keep her from growing any more. I know I can't stop it, but oh my... what it will be like in two and a half years when she has to go off to college and spread her wings and fly. I can't wait, and yet I'm scared to death.

I know this has been a sappy post, but I wish everyone could see our beautiful girl. So pretty inside and out, all I could have ever wished for!!

Times are changing...

2011-07-09T05:46:00.001-07:00

When I first started this blog, I told you all about my parents and myself. I told you about my children, my wife, my job, etc.

Lately I have been loathe to talk about it. I don't know if it's just that everything that has gone on this year is scary for me, or if it is my continual reluctance to journal my feelings. I have always hated doing this, for me it seems to make things more real. As though I can ignore the issues if I just don't write them down.

I am happy right now, happier than I have been in years in certain parts of my life. The part of my life I consider to be real has changed. I used to view my job as the thing that I could count on for sanity and stability, stop it... yes I know I work in a prison!! It was always the stabilizing factor, always there, never changing.

In the last three months things have changed, first with the cancer scare, then with my mother, then with my job.

I don't think I mentioned anywhere that Mama is now living down here near us, and working here too. I love being able to see her almost every day. I love that my brother is home. I love the acceptance they have shown Crys and me. It saddens me that it took 4 1/2 years to find this acceptance, but overall I am happy to have it.

The job...ahhh, the job. When I took this job I naively felt that I could supervise anyone. OMG, I was so wrong. Also, I believed when I was promoted that it was their way of saying they believed in my ability to do the job. Now, I'm not so sure. After 7 months I sometimes feel that they just needed a body to fill a spot, and I was the only one they could find. I hate that. I hate losing my confidence in my ability to do the job and make the right decisions. I don't know why I feel this way.

You know what I've learned though? The job does not define me. It is the thing that I have to go do so I can live the rest of my life!! Not that I am consistantly unhappy there, but on the days when I am I think "It's okay, I get to go home and live my real life in 8 hours." I don't know when or why it became important to me to seperate myself from corrections, but I am glad that I have. It makes it easier for me to let it all go as soon as I step out the front door.

Have you ever felt this way??

Two Years

2011-06-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

It has been two years today since my Daddy passed. I am still sad. Not everyday, but some days I wake up and think "I need to tell Daddy"... and then I realize I don't get to tell him anything because he is gone. I miss him, and some days it feels like it was just yesterday that he was here with us.

I hate that my Mama is still so sad, but I believe I understand. I hate to hear people say "She'll get over it." Really? I mean really, would you get over losing your best friend? I don't think I would after 32 years.

Things are better most days, but I still miss him. I grieve for the fact that he will never see his great grandbabies. I grieve for the fact that the first time my mother sat down to have dinner with my wife, he was not here.

I believe that he is still here with us in our hearts, and that is how we breathe in and out every day and keep on moving. He would expect nothing less.

"Life is about finding balance" - KNA

Love the life you have...

2011-06-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

I used to tell Crys that I try to be content in wherever I find myself. I must say that in the last 4 months that has beein increasingly hard to do. I say all that to say this...

When you wake up in the morning and you are comfortable in your skin, you are where you need to be. Even if you have to take vacation to get there, try to find it!! I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day that I go to work, I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day as a mom. But, I know that I am comfortable in my skin every single day in my relationship with my wife. Crys is the best friend I never knew I needed, and she gives me everything I could ever want. My life may not be normal compared to some people, but what is normal? Why would we ever want to go back to 'vanilla'?

I love my wild, crazy, abnormal life!! Just my thought for the day!! :)

So, what happened??

2011-06-04T17:49:00.000-07:00

I had surgery on the 20th, and they let me know Thursday that I was all clear. They took two pre-cancerous papillomas and a mass the size of a golf ball out of my left breast. Which begs the question, how can they take that much out and my breast is still the same size? I am now on a horrendous amount of antibiotics, because they believe that the two lumps they found under the nipple are infected lymph nodes. Then in six months I will have another mammogram and ultrasound. I seriously was really crazy by the time they told me because it took a long damn time!!

I am hopeful that this means the craziness is over in my house for a while. We are trying to move, spending time with the middle daughter who is home for the summer. I sure do wish she would stay.

Thank you to all my friends who spent the day with me, or called, or wrote to ask if I was alright, and a special thank you to Crys (my love, my wife) who held my hand and explained what they did over and over to a groggy crazy lady with too much anesthesia!! :)

What are you scared of?

2011-05-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

I know what I am scared of. Some of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning know what I am scared of.

I am scared of death. When my Daddy died, I kept thinking this can't really be happening. I believe in feelings. When someone tells me to pay attention to the hairs on the back of my neck, I believe them. I used to think that was crazy, but I have learned. I learned through Daddy's illness and death, that those feelings are real. When you know in your gut, that something bad is going to happen, believe it.

It has been a long two years. I can't sleep, or maybe it is that I don't sleep. I wake up at all hours of the night, and then I am through. I hate that I can't really rest without the aid of chemicals. Don't worry, I don't take them often. I take a little white pill (ambien) maybe once or twice a month, and those are the only times that I really rest.

I am getting ready to have surgery this Friday, to have two lumps removed from my left breast. And now... now I don't want to sleep. I think I have the pain tolerance to do this without the sedative. I am scared. I have cried for three days. I don't think I would be so scared if I didn't have this gut feeling, but I do. I learned, Oh my goodness have I learned, that we as humanity are not immortal. It doesn't stop me from praying, from hoping, from thinking that I am crazy. I wish to God, Goddess, whoever that I could be dreaming, but I don't think that will help.

I have learned that none of our time here is infinite, and none of us know the time of our own ending. There is so much left to do, and yes you are probably all right, I am panicking for no reason. All I know is that I have this feeling, and I hate it, and I just want to be done with this now. I'm scared.

How do we teach our daughter's better?

2011-04-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

I went shopping with the Diva today for the prom dress. She is going with a boy as a friend only, which I appreciate because she is still going to have a good time without all the boyfriend pressure.

What I really want to talk about though is the pressure that the Diva feels to be thin and pretty. To give you an idea, she is 5'3" and about 118 pounds. She fluctuates about 5 or 10 pounds, depending on when track season starts. Last year when looking for the perfect 8th grade dance dress she wore a size 4. This year for homecoming she still wore a size 4. Today we had to go up to a size 6. I seriously thought she was going to cry.

We don't focus on looks in our house. I'm a big girl, but I've always been a big girl so this is all I know. I remember the pressure my mom and Mawmaw put on me to diet while I was growing up, and I hated every minute of it. We try to make sure (as best we are able) that the Diva eats 3 healthy meals a day and that she doesn't skip. If I don't watch her she will occasionally skip breakfast, and of course I don't know that she actually eats the lunch she takes to school. I believe her when she tells me she does.

So my question is this, other than encouraging positive body image in our house, how do we keep her from worrying about her weight? Y'all should see her, she is so pretty. She is this tiny, petite little thing with an outstanding personality, but I hate for her to worry so about it.

I know I think "what's the big deal between a 4 and a 6, at least it's not a twenty." The dress was by a different designer, but she is still fretting about it. I want her to grow up with a healthy body image, but short of locking her in her bedroom and taking away her tv and computer I don't know how to keep her from worrying. Then I worry, what a vicious cycle.

Ok... a post about "Sister Wives"

2011-04-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

How are you all doing? I thought we could have a light discussion about 'Sister Wives'.

I don't watch very much reality television. We watch Amazing Race and So You Think You Can Dance, but we don't watch any (up to now) that involve people's supposed 'real' relationships.

I was intrigued by Sister Wives to begin with just because it is unusual. Y'all understand, it's kind of like watching a train wreck. You just can't look away.

I was really impressed by the format of the show, it's not at all like other 'relationship' based reality shows with the constant fighting and arguing. There is no screaming, and they all seem to be very in tune with their needs and the needs of their kids.

We were discussing bizarre behavior that people exhibit while I was at work today, and I said "basically you can do what you want in your own home, as long as you don't attract undue attention by buying large amounts of weapons (just an example), or punishing your wife and children outside your home." So I ask, do you all think that all of the attention being given to the 'legality' of sister wives Kody Brown is brought about because he is on television showing off his lifestyle, or do you think someone would have eventually made life difficult for them all either way?

I don't know how I feel about it. I am a tolerant individual, and I pretty much don't care what you do in your home as long as it is not forced on me. Technically speaking Kody is not breaking any laws, he is only legally married to one of the women. My point here, I guess, is that if it works for their family and the females involved were all consenting adults then what business is it of anyone elses? Is it any different than enjoying a polyamorous lifestyle, with a little religion thrown in on the side?

And can I just say, I find their honesty about their issues to be refreshing. I find the hierarchy interesting, kind of like watching a sociology experiment gone viral. What are your thoughts?

National Crime Victim's recognition week

2011-04-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

I am no longer a victim, I am forever more a survivor.
I have survived my past, grown, and am constantly moving forward.
Even if I have saved no one else, I saved my last child.
She will (hopefully) never know the pain of a violent home.
If you have friends who are suffering...

Don't give up! Please, I know there were friends who tried to help me.
When your friend is tired of the shit, tired of lying to her or himself...
When they are tired of the constant fear, knowing you are there will be a blessing.
Be there for them. If you are living with violence now, then get help.
Know that it won't last forever. Know that in the end, you make the decision.

The decision whether to live or die in the violence you survive in daily.
Get out, save yourself and your children (even if they don't exist yet!)
It will be the hardest, best choice you have ever made!

Glee will probably save lives!

2011-03-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

Are you done laughing at my title? Good, now I'll explain.

When I was a young person trying to make a decision about who I was deep down inside, there were no (really!!) role models that were gay. There were no acceptable gay people, there were only the people you heard about compared to pedophiles and sickos.

I still remember 4 and 1/2 years ago when I was still trying to make a decision as to who I was as a 32 year old woman, there were very few people I could look to as responsible role models for this life. Sure there's Ellen, and while I love her, she is not enough on her own to help me decide what to do with my life.

Last night when I watched Glee (yes, I watch and I loooovvvveee) I cried when Santana and Brittany sang with Gwyneth Paltrow. I cried harder when Santana cried. I was almost balling by the time she begged Brittany "I love you. Tell me you love me back, please!" The Diva said "I don't understand" when Santana was crying during the song. The reason she was crying is because she was scared and she didn't know what to do. I felt all those things a very short time ago when my beautiful C said "I love you, Tell me you love me. Please!!" I was scared and I pushed her away for about two weeks before I made my decision. I hurt her and I still feel guilt for that. But we are together, and I am forever blessed by her presence in my life.

I say all that to say this, if Glee had been around when I was a teen I probably would never have married a man. I hate to be that blunt, but I know this is the life I was meant to live and there are times when I wholeheartedly wish C was the only one I had ever been with. We need to support our gay youth, and it has gotten so much better in certain places. It still needs to get better, but with continued shows like this and positive young people I have full faith that it will!

Please continue to support any youth you know that may be going through this turmoil, I know I would have given anything for a comforting shoulder!!

The horror of new schools...

2011-02-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

So many of you know that my son, T, is bipolar with a side of adhd. I've talked about it a few times on this site, but mostly we just try to deal on a day by day basis. Anyway, T's issues are not the subject of today's torture with school, it's just to let you know that I believe our family has already been handed enough tricks.

So today I called the Fairy Princess's school because she has been having some issues with her school work. I am not what you could call a helicopter parent. I don't hover, I tend to try to let them work their own issues out. But, when I get a paper where my first grader got a c on her reading because her words per minute score is not fast enough, I get a little bent. According to the world wide web, the average words per minute for a first grader is 50 to 70. Fairy Princess got a c for a 49 word per minute average.

Why can't we all understand that all children learn at their own pace?? Why when I call the school, does the teacher tell me that I need to take my child to the pediatrician to ask why she isn't concentrating? I know you are all "Becca, just get past it, every child has issues", but I can't. I am listening to a teacher telling me that my youngest child is not concentrating, she loses her center time almost every day, and she does not ever complete her work.

I have not been told by Fairy Princess's teachers in the last two years that she has problems concentrating. I admit I was frustrated by the amount of homework she has brought home, but I didn't ever know there was a problem with her concentration. Now, she loses her center time daily because she doesn't finish her seat work. When I ask what to do I am told to take her to the doctor to see about meds that could help with concentration. WTF????? I don't want to do this with another child. I don't want her to have a problem, I don't want this life for her. It is so hard, and I am sooooo tired of having to deal with all of these issues everyday.

So, I ask, am I overreacting? Did we have this problem all along, and nobody told me? Have I failed my another one of my children by not noticing a problem fast enough? Sincerely, Becca the tired and frustrated!!

The Fairy Princess has found her temper!!

2011-01-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

So I often tell the story of how happy the Fairy Princess is. She is the youngest of 4 children and she frequently has to go along to get along. I just thought that every youngest child was this way, but I am told by my friends that this is not often so.

On to my story... The Fairy Princess is now going through her terrible two's. Now some of you may remember, she just turned 7. Not two people, s.e.v.e.n!!! How do you find the terrible two's at the age of 7? I love the baby, we all do, she is normally just a giant ball of sunshine. But she turned 7, and the next day, the demon child appeared. She has now decided that it is perfectly alright to scream, cry and stomp her feet. Today C put her in the corner, and then sent her to her room to clean it. I came home, room is still not clean, back to the corner she went.

It really is kind of funny, but at the same time, C and I are both like WTF???? Where did this child come from, and can we please have the happy Princess Fairy back???

BTW, Let me know if you see a 7 year old wandering down the highway with her thumb out. It might be the original Fairy Princess who has lost her way!!

All moved in, now why can't I get comfortable??

2011-01-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

I know the answer to the question by the way, it takes a long time to get comfortable. I wasn't comfortable at my last prison over night, and it won't happen over night here either. But, to all of you who read my site, it would be really nice if someone has some words of wisdom or comfort that isn't "Oh Becca, you're so smart, you'll fit just fine."

Anyway, we are officiallyh moved in and I am still really tired, and the internet connection in this house sucks the life out of me every time I move a different direction!!

I am still trying to get used to work, my children are now alllll in school. I say that because the Diva has apparently been missing a required immunization for 6 years and Mississippi County caught it. Not 6 months, but 6 years people. So, she didn't get to start for a week after T. The Fairy Princess started today too, and she had the most awful day (according to the 6 year old) in her whole life...

So, I had a slight meltdown and told them that I couldn't handle hearing any more complaints about us moving down to bfe, and that if we could just all please suck it up I would be incredibly happy. So, the worst mother in the world award goes to yours truly!

Hopefully I'll find my sanity soon, because I need to just feel normal again and this going round and round in my own head is making me tired. Oh so tired.....

Busy, busy, busy...

2010-12-19T06:21:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I know I haven't been here in a long damn time. Here's my list of excuses...

1. I am busier than crap now that I got promoted.
2. I don't have a real computer where I am staying.
3. I was too worried about all the stuff going to really post honestly about it!!

Anyway, now the good news! C got the transfer to my new institution. Yeah!! And, she gets to keep her rank which was really, really important to her. Last night was her last night at our old institution, so I imagine she is nervous and worried about that, but she doesn't talk about it. We found a place to live that is bigger than a shoebox. Really you should have seen the place I was staying. Tiny doesn't adequately describe it. We are moving on Thursday and Friday which gives me three days (WTF?????) to pare down and pack everything we really want to take. I don't know why, but I really feel like we have been packrats for long enough, and now is the time to remedy the situation. My 3 kiddos that live here full time have school until Wednesday, so I know they are freaking out about everything too.

The Diva broke up with the boyfriend, which led to an angry phone call and a couple of back-handed facebook posts to me, which really??? Why get involved in our kids business like that? They are 15 and 16, and it was their first boyfriend/girlfriend experience. They will be fine. Even if the other mother thought for sure everyone was going to get married and live happily ever after. Again, WTF?

Also, KBear, my middle daughter who ran off to live in Texas with her Dad, is home for the Winter holiday. I am so happy to see her, but I want us to have a nice time, and I am worried as crap that she will use any excuse to fight with the Diva. Today we are going to my Aunt's house for our christmas with them, which means I lose a whole day of packing, but we don't see them very often so I just go with the flow.

I will probably not post again until after the new year because we are going to be super-busy, and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done between now and then and OMG just breathe dammit!! Anyway, know that I am still reading all of your stuff, and thinking about you all everyday. Have a blessed winter season, no matter what you celebrate!! :)

Is a lost follower bad?

2010-11-04T17:49:00.000-07:00

I've lost a follower. I don't know how that happened. I am always very happy to see that someone is following me, but I've had seven for a while now. Today when I rolled down on the screen, I only have six. What happened?

Am I not posting enough? Do you think I finally irritated someone, because really how could I not ever have a troll but irritate someone enough to unfollow me? The first thing I thought of was that I must have made a bad comment on someone's site who I follow, but really that's not possible.

I am very conscientious about my postings. I try to never post, or respond to a post when I am angry. I try to always put myself in that person's shoes, and think about how I would feel if someone said what I was thinking to me. Are you confused yet?? I am.

Anyway, I know I really probably shouldn't worry about a lost follower but it makes me a little sad. :(

Well, I found the brass ring, now what do I do with it?

2010-10-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

So, many of you know that I have been interviewing for a unit manager position in a prison for a while. To be exact, I have interviewed 5 times. According to C, who has interviewed 6 times for lieutenant, that is not very many times. According to my way of life (it really is all about me, right??), I should have been promoted about two interviews before now.

I interviewed at a very large prison, in a tiny little town, in Southern Misery two weeks and 4 days ago. The assistant warden called me on Friday and asked if I would accept the position. Of course, I said YES!!!! :) If I were to say no, then all kinds of bad things could happen, which is to say no one would ever offer it again. Plus, for whatever reason, I really do want to work there. So now everyone at my prison knows, and everyone at that prison knows, and in about two weeks I have to appear for work.

I am really, really, really damn excited to have the promotion. I cannot wait to learn and learn, and learn some more. But, I am also scared. This prison is about two and a half hours from where I currently live, and C is up for promotion here on the 9th of November. I really, really, really want her to get promoted. She deserves it, and she will make a damn fine lieutenant. But...if she gets the job up here, then our cozy little family of five, plus three dogs, is split for a while. Then we have to live in two seperate places until one or the other can transfer (at least 6 months.)

If I stay down there and then someone up here retires, I could lateral back up here, and then we wouldn't have to move the kids. Or she can do a hardship transfer down there in six months. So, needless to say, there are tons upon tons of decisions to be made. But for now... I am FINALLY a Unit Manager!! Yippeeeeeee!! It only took 5 interviews and 1 and 1/2 years of being eligible, and I got it!!

The other scary part??? They will now expect me to supervise people!!! :)

Where did you go?

2010-10-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

Let's pretend I went on a wonderful vacation to the Irish Sea. Let's pretend that I haven't spent the last month staring at my computer screen, and knowing that there is stuff that I want to post and just haven't.

I don't know about you all, but I get tired. Tired, overworked, frustrated, etc. Frustrated with all the little things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix many of those little things, so I crawl into a hole and pretend that those little things don't exist. When I am forced to confront them, it just makes me sad.

Sad that I don't know whether my 12 year old still likes monkeys, and sad that unless I call her she won't talk to me. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she thinks about me if I don't call. No matter how many people tell me I've done nothing wrong. I didn't hurt her, I cared for her the best I possibly could. That doesn't matter because in my heart I ask that question every day. What could I have possibly done that made her not want to live here anymore?

Did my choice to live my life with my partner push her away? Was it the fact that The Diva and The Fairy Princess have medical issues, and T had a breakdown? Did we not pay enough attention? We all make choices. As mothers, fathers, caretakers we make choices about the lives our children live. Did I decide for her too many times??

There are things I don't regret. I do not regret letting her go. I do not regret the lack of screaming in my house. I do not regret The Princess Fairy being happy. I do not regret the time I spend worrying about her.

I just wish it could have been different.

Welcome to We Are Muslim | We Are Muslim

2010-09-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to We Are Muslim We Are Muslim: ""

I'd like to throw out a big thanks to Avitable for coming up with this site!

Really, still no equal rights for LGBT????

2010-09-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a post about how Don't ask Don't Tell has finally been declared unconstitutional, and how wonderful that is, but then C brought up the fact that we (as a couple, and as individuals) are still not being given equal rights on a daily basis. In fact, she had been thinking about her own blog post, but I asked and she doesn't feel ready, or just won't, or whatever. So here goes, I hope I can do her thoughts justice!

We've always known DADT is unconstitutional. Even when C and I were both in the military, we knew. Neither of us were OUT then, and we both were trying so hard to live in the roles we were born in to. However, now we both know in our hearts the other pieces of our lives that are unconstitutional.

We have no protection as a couple, or as individual citizens under the law in our state. If you look at it and bend the glass a bit, our not being allowed to marry is also a violation of our first amendment rights. We, unlike other Americans, are not allowed the freedom of expression that others enjoy. We would love to freely express the depth of our love together by marrying. I do not look at marriage as a religious contract, but rather a civil contract. After all, we would then be protected at hospitals, when we try to adopt, and on our death beds.

No one would be able to keep her from me if I were dying, and vice versa. Let me tell you, right now that is one of the things that scares me most. If I am gone, no judge will tell her she can keep the two children who still live with us. If she is gone, no one will be able to stop her crazy-ass mother from coming down here to get The Diva.

And yet...we work for the State. We can't hold hands in public (in most places), we can't get married, for God's sake we can't even smoke in a restaraunt!! That last part is meant lightly, but think about it. I often think about the fact that they will legalize marijuana, shortly after they outlaw smoking in public.

We uphold the laws of the State of Misery, we protect the people of this state from those they would all remain seperate from, and yet there is no protection for us. I am not allowed to use the size of our family to qualify for any services whatsoever, because we are not one unit under the law. And yet, when I tried to qualify my children for reduced lunch fees, we were counted as one unit, and suddenly made too much money!! I can't qualify for family status on my benefits at work, and heaven help me, if she were killed while working (or vice versa) they wouldn't give us administrative leave to attend the other's funeral because we are not legally wed. People I know think that I am too serious about this, but I simply ask what if you were suddenly told you couldn't marry because your potential heterosexual partner was of a different race, ethnic group, or religion? I bet you'd take it just as seriously.

So, we keep fighting, I will continue to bring this topic to light at work, and we keep working to protect the citizens of the State Of Misery!!

Feminine or Masculine?

2010-09-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

So, C and I were talking the other day about how we were feeling. Both of us have been a little down and out, with K's birthday tomorrow (the child in Texas) and other life events. C said that when she is feeling needy, or like she hates her body, etc. that makes her feel feminine. And so I asked (in my wise verbal judo corrections voice) "Is that a bad thing?" And she said yes. She doesn't like to feel feminine because it makes her feel weak, and that is always bad.

I thought about that for a while because I am not hardly ever masculine. I am dominant in many, many ways. I am sometimes (ok mostly) aggressive, almost always abrupt, and yet I am still rarely masculine. I like that I am feminine, it is the part of me that I most enjoy. For me feminine doesn't mean I always wear makeup (ok, hardly ever) or skirts and heels, it just is who I am.

To me being feminine is the epitomy of who I am, who I most want to be. I want to be able to be soft, kind, fair... all of those things that word makes me think of. I've never viewed it as being weak. I know she wasn't downgrading me for being feminine, after all it is not always about me. But still I'm left wondering, why does feminine to her signal weakness?

Does it mean she has to ask for help, or that she needs me to reassure her that I am still here, still interested in her? I know you all know those people, the ones who in an offhand way will ask "Who is the guy in the relationship?" She is not a guy, thank the Goddess!! She is this wonderfully strong, beautiful, vibrant woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But, if I think about her in relation to me, she is kind of masculine. I view her as my protector, she is the only person I am ever submissive with. I love when we go out and she wears the tie or the suspenders with the fedora, and this lovely blue silk shirt, but even then she always wears her hair down. She is not so butch that people would ever mistake her for a man, and I am fairly sure that we get our fair share of weird looks as people question the idea of two femmes being together.

Trust me folks, she is NOT a femme. She would find that laughable, but I have seen her wear eyeliner. I guess my question is, what makes her masculine to my feminine? How did we find our perfect opposite in each other? How does it work out that I had to have someone stronger than myself to keep me sane, and she was right here at the right time? Am I the only one who asks these questions?

Isolationism anyone?

2010-08-29T06:08:00.000-07:00

So, anyone who reads my blog knows that my son was diagnosed with bipolar depression this summer. We were at the counselor's office this week, and I was going through the pre-screening with her again, when she asked if anyone ever tested T for autism or asperger's. I told her no, he's never been tested for that, but I've been telling people since he was two that something was wrong.

Not that there is anything 'wrong' per-se with my son. He is a beautiful boy, handsome, intelligent, strong, and kind (for the most part.) Then she went on to ask a whole bunch of questions about whether or not he was able to be soothed as an infant or even as a toddler. Whether he did flapping gestures, etc...

Now, I know that he is bipolar. I feel strongly that that diagnosis is correct, but now I am left with a whole new set of questions. Why did nobody think of this earlier? Why couldn't I get anybody to listen to me when he was 2, 4, 6, 8, 10? Why did it take this long for somebody else to see what I see daily?

The only reason I can see for this is isolationism. I am beginning to blame myself for this. I kept him out of organized sports until this year because I couldn't stand the constant pressure. He was/is supremely emotional. The slightest thing at 6, 8, and 10 made him cry or scream. Even in school, he has been the odd man out. He doesn't make friends easily and he gets picked on frequently. Kids, and teachers, think he is bizarre for the crying fits. For a long time, I didn't look for anyone to talk to about this, because I didn't want anyone to know.

I've been looking for support groups for about a year now. The closest thing I've found is the parents meeting when we were doing the intensive outpatient therapy after his diagnosis. We don't have those meetings anymore, because he is just doing the counseling one-on-one now.

Earlier this week, we had a manic episode. For those that don't know my son personally, a manic episode looks like an extremely pissed-off, rage filled kid. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours. This one was new, as it lasted approximately three days. T had a melt-down after practice on Tuesday and screamed at me, and another parent, in public. That hasn't happened in years, mostly because we were never in public together, aside from the grocery store. I told him, after he was calm, that he could not yell at me in public, because he is showing that he doesn't respect me at that moment. He apologized to me, he apologized to the other mom the next day. But all this leads back to isolationalism.

People that don't know T, probably looked at him and thought "why can't that mom control her kid?" My answer: Come live in my shoes for a week, please! Except that I believe I've brought this on myself by not talking to people about it, or even allowing it to be seen.

Please understand, I am not embarassed about my son. I am proud of the improvements he has made. I simply don't want people to judge him, or me, by what they see. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know who to talk to, and I really am tired of living in a box I apparently made all by myself. Any thoughts?

I remember...

2010-08-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

*Warning*-This post may be upsetting for some.

I still remember what he looked like. I met him when I was in 6th grade. We moved to North Georgia, and started going to a new church. My parents met a couple that they believed were like them. Both couples worked, had three children, went to church everytime the doors were open. Surely they could be friends. And they were for a while.

The summer of 7th grade, they invited us to their lake house. I don't know if my little sister went with us, I do remember my brother being there. I remember feeling like I was only there to babysit everyone's children. I remember desperately wanting people to like me, after all we weren't from the south, I certainly didn't sound like I was from the south.

One day we were all out on the boat, my Dad, their Dad, and the kids. My Dad was driving the boat, their Dad was in the water trying to teach us how to water ski. For the record, I still don't know how to water ski and I have no interest in learning. I remember getting in the water, I remember him putting his arms around me. Then I remember him putting his hands in between my legs. I remember wondering with all the intelligence of any 13 year old girl, if he was supposed to be doing that. He said he liked me, that I was really pretty and I was very smart.

I remember telling my parents after that weekend that I didn't want to go to their house anymore to babysit their kids. I remember him telling me to stay behind in my sunday school class after everyone else had left. I remember the dress Mama had bought me. It was the late 80's and those drop waisted dresses with the bubble skirts were really popular. My Mom had found one in pink with white dots. It felt like silk, and I never wore it again after he ran his hands down the front of it. Do you know that even if you don't like what someone is doing, and you are scared to death, your body will still react? I hated my body for years for that reaction.

I remember this man was the first to make me feel like my body betrayed me, like I was dirty and bad. He was not the last. FYI...I don't go to counseling, I've never told my parents what he did. It doesn't matter now, it was 21 years ago. If I knew any of you IRL, I probably wouldn't be writing this now. But, this is my safe place, and it's time I let some of this out of my brain.

Don't you want to lose weight??

2010-07-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence! I don't say a lot at this blog about it, but I am a big girl. I weigh 200+ pounds. I haven't been less than 200 pounds since the birth of my second child.

As a teenager, my mawmaw and my mama (grandma and mom for non-southerners), spent a great deal of time pressuring me into dieting. I always felt conspicuous, never fitting in with a family of skinnies. Now mind you, my biological family on my birth-father's side are very large people. All of them. Noone weighs under 200 pounds, nor have they ever given it much thought. But that didn't stop my mawmaw and my mama. I could tell you of diets where I ate one piece of toast with half a tablespoon of peanut butter and v-8 juice with wheat germ for breakfast. I could tell you of times that my Mawmaw told me I had to be careful, because fat girls smell worse than skinnies.

About a year ago, I started following a blogger called The Rotund. She was talking about something called Fat Acceptance. I had never thought about fat acceptance before, I just knew I was tired of the yo-yo. I was tired of always putting myself beneath someone else simply because they weighed less than me. After all, in a letter designed to make up with me, my ex-husband said "It doesn't bother me that you are so heavy, I just wish it bothered you more." As though I was just lazy. As though I sat on my ass in front of the couch every day eating ice cream and cooking meals designed to make us all fat. So, when I found this blogger, I was intrigued. I pondered how I felt about my fat. And finally, I decided I would claim it. This is me world, all of me!!

I am healthy, I no longer know exactly what I weigh at any given point. I don't really worry about it. I know that if I go to any number of doctors they will tell me I am morbidly obese, that 200 plus pounds should never fit on my 5 foot 3 inch frame. I listen to people at work obsess over their weight on a daily basis. They have recently started another (yes there is more than one) weight loss competition. I work in corrections, and we are all about the competition at work. I feel the looks of the people that I work with, as they decide what they will or will not eat today. And you know what? Most of the time I don't worry about their thoughts, although with my obsessive thoughts I do think about it more than I want to. What made me think about this today was my friend asking "Can I rub your belly for luck?"

For the record, no you cannot rub my belly for luck!! I am not your personal buddha, and my size 20 jeans are looser than they've been in months. I like it when my wife says I have 'kickin' curves. I love the fact that my babies can pillow their blessed little heads on my soft, droopy boobs and comfort themselves. I love my body for giving me three healthy children. I love my body for being here when I need it. Defensive Tactics rocks, thank you very much!!

Nothing happening here...nothing at all!

2010-07-09T15:30:00.000-07:00

I totally have nothing to say. Nothing good, nothing bad...just nothing. I'm just here. I wish I were on a beach somewhere, with my wife, drinking a peach daquiri. Doesn't that sound nice?? I'm just sayin...

Where would you like to go? If you could go anywhere at all with no cost...

What did you do on vacation???

2010-07-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

For years now I have wanted to take a real vacation, one where I got to leave the house and go to some exotic locale (Edisto Island, anyone??) but alas it just wasn't meant to be. I haven't had a vacation (that didn't involve a death) in 3 years.

So, this year I had plenty of time on the books, and I went on vacation. Ten whole days off with no work and no responsibilities, and no time limits, right?? WRONG!!

For my whole work week, I got up at 6:15 every morning to take The Diva to summer school. She was taking health so that it didn't interfere with her women's choir and concert choir schedule during the school year. Then on Monday and Thursday, I took T in the evening to his therapy meeting. And, on Wednesday...I went to work. I know, I was supposed to be resting. But, the trainer for my dog classes just had surgery a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with my offenders.

And while all of this may leave you all shaking your heads, it was actually quite relaxing for me. C and I didn't talk about work, for the most part. I took lots of naps, read a few books, and watched a lot of TV. I also watered the plants, played with the kiddos, and played with my own puppies. I tried to spend time soaking in the peace and calm in my house without being bored out of my skull. Normally, after just two days off I end up pacing the house trying to find any excuse to go to work. Not this time...I was actually sad to leave my house this morning, I just wanted to go back home.

Is this what domestic tranquility means for me??? I wonder if I could just stay home permanently? I'm sure I would be bored after a while. For those of you that don't work outside the home, how do you do it? I mean really, if I quit, we would make approximately 29,000/year with 4 kids and 3 dogs, and three children with extreme medical bills. It worries me, any ideas??

Is there someone to catch you if you fall?

2010-07-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, so most people that know me know that I love So You Think You Can Dance. Mia Michaels is perhaps my favorite choreagrapher in my whole life. People that watch will understand when I say it is apparent she has had a hard life. Anyway, she said something after one of the dances yesterday that just really touched me. She said "It is such a blessing to be able to let go, be vulnerable enough and know that someone is there to catch you if you fall." Forgive me if I got part of that wrong, but you get my gist.

I consider myself blessed to be in the presence of my partner on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. I never felt safe before I met her. I had lived for 32 years knowing that I was not worthy of love, that I had invariably done something wrong long ago that made me unworthy. We have been together for 3 1/2 years now, and it took me two years to stop shying away from her when she put her hand on my face. It took a long time to quell the fear that I would do something wrong and she would leave. Now, after a lot of hard work, I understand that I am worthy of love. I have worth and value, not just for my brain, but for my soul.

I have learned that life is not fair. As my boss would say, "The fair is a place you take your pig", lol! I have learned that it is not always even-stevens. At times one of us is holding the other up, supporting the other, loving the other more than they are receiving. And beyond all else, I know she will catch me if I fall. This has enabled me to take huge risks, both personally and professionally. It helps me to trust her every day because I know I am there for her and she is here for me. I once wrote a list of 50 things I love about her, and at the top of my list is her strength and her heart. Anyone who knows a Marine will understand, they have to have the strength and heart of a lion. She has never given up, she will never give up. She tells me all the time, anything worth having is worth fighting every day for.

I just finished a movie (more like a documentary) called "Edie and Thea: A Very Long Engagement." I would encourage you all to see it. If you are straight or gay and don't believe in gay marriage, please watch this. These women spent almost 44 years together, and they are phenomenal! Watching these women look at each other with such love after 40 years gives me hope. There is such a tenderness and caring there, I wish all people could find that in their lives. I want to look at C like that when I'm almost 80, I want to see her grin and say "Loves Ya" when she is 82! I am happy that I know who will catch me when I fall, do you have someone to catch you??

Why the Real L Word really SUCKS!!

2010-06-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I watched the show last week and was not impressed. However, being the judgemental, hateful bitch that I can be I thought I'd give Ms. Chaiken another chance.

All that being said, this show totally blows!!! First scenario...One of the couples, Rose and Natalie, go out for their 7 month anniversary. While Natalie is definitely (maybe) wrong for bringing up babies and marriage this early, Rose definitely wins the douche award for saying "Cheers to my love, you are lucky you have it." WTF????? Ok, you are allowed to believe that you are lucky or blessed to be receiving the love of your partner, but you are most definitely not allowed to be hyper-obsessed with your worth on this planet!

Second scenario...Whitney goes out with what has to be her 5th partner in the second show, and then kisses her. Then later she is on the phone with the same girl, while all the while the girl who moved out to LA to be with her is sleeping in her bedroom. And, the kicker, she tells the girl on the phone that she doesn't have the willpower to not hit on her physically. Again W.T.F????? These are not the lesbians in my world.

The other problem I have is that they are all rich, powerful, ego-filled twits with no thoughts of anything but themselves! At least in the other L Word we could put aside their ego-filled b.s. and focus on the fact that it was fiction! There was a storyline, that was at times drama filled fluff, but at other times was very powerful and touching. I find it hard to believe that every lesbian in LA is successful, wealthy, and powerful. I think there are probably quite a few that are struggling to pay their bills, clothe their children, and work normal jobs every day.

So...here is my rant for the day. Eilleen you can suck it! I will no longer torment myself with this supposed "Real L Word." I had such high hopes... If you are a normal lesbian in LA, or even one of the successful ones, feel free to comment.

p.s. This is one of the primary reasons that the conservative right thinks we do nothing but sleep with all the girls we can find and drink all day long!!

Pride Weekend, and why we didn't go...

2010-06-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

So...this weekend is Pride weekend. It is something I look forward to all year long. I love being able to immerse myself in my community, hold hands with my wife on the street, and not worry about our safety. It has been my favorite thing to do since I came out, I love the parties, all the people, the crowds, all of it.

We are not going this year, again. I didn't get to go last year because I was at the hospital for 3 straight days before my Daddy died. It was horrible, awful and I swore that I would go to Pride this year, if only to forget for a few moments. Except that I can't forget. As we get closer to the anniversary, I just want to lay down in my bed and not move. I took the week off at work so I don't have to deal with staff or offenders, who are often unwittingly insensitive. They don't mean to be, but people forget about the important things in others lives.

We also can't go due to the financial situation in our household, and the situation with T. As we are still struggling to keep up with our bills, it seems irresponsible to go blow money that we don't have. And literally, we don't have it. We would just have to wander around and not spend money, which kind of ruins the whole thing.

As far as the situation with T goes...we still can't leave him here by himself with the girls. And, I don't really feel comfortable leaving him with friends. What if he has a meltdown? What if he goes ballistic and they don't know what to do to help him?? We had a meltdown this morning over the dishes, something he agreed to do today. He doesn't understand why he has to do them this early in the morning, and I want to be able to cook breakfast. Perfect setting for a meltdown, and nothing I say or do makes this any better either. And...it's not early! It's almost 10 am for crying out loud. I am being reminded weekly that we can't give in, we have to follow through, but I'm telling you sometimes these battles just suck. Never mind that sometimes it's hard to tell what is typical teenage behavior, and what is a symptom.

So...Happy Pride Weekend Everyone!! I want to be there, and am there in spirit. Hopefully next year will find me at the City Diner watching the Parade and ignoring the protestors!!

So much to say, so little time...

2010-06-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here in about a month. I thought at first that I would just lay low for the month of June, as it is two weeks before the year anniversary of my Daddy's passing. But, I am here, and now I don't know the words to use.

T has been diagnosed bi-polar (finally, a diagnosis), and he has been working really hard on his counseling and therapy. We are going to let him play football in the fall, and he is really excited. I am hopeful that it will be one more step toward a stable life at home. Also, his room has been clean for 9 days now. 21 more and he can have his tv back, and he wants to get his ear pierced. We are learning to support and discipline, not simply support.

Among the other changes, my 11 year old has decided she would like to live with her father. I thought about this and prayed about this, and there is no easy answer. I will not make her stay, when she is obviously miserable. Also, I will not make everyone else in this household miserable by having to deal with her unhappiness.

And so... I write this, and while I know I overshare, I hope for your thoughts and kind words. I am heartbroken at the thought of losing my child, but I hope that she will find the place she needs to be.

Two children graduate tomorrow...I feel Ooooooold!

2010-05-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am not going to talk about how I feel ancient today, no I am going to avoid the fact that I feel Ooooolld right now. No one ever told me that I was going to have one in eigth grade and one in kindergarden at the same time.

Tomorrow, the Diva (8th) and the Fairy Princess (K) graduate. They are both going to wear pretty dresses (only one of which I had to pay for) and pretty shoes, and do their hair. They are both going to sing (??)

Now...here comes the ignorant part! The Diva (remember I said 8th) graduates at 9:00 am tomorrow. Why?? Because then they have a bowling party field trip after that. Again why?????? Oh yeah, so the Diva and the Boy (boy-friend??) could tell both sets of parents that they don't want to go bowling. Especially not in the new dress (yes, I bought another DAMN dress.) So, I guess they expect me to make her go sit in a classroom and watch a movie while all of her friends go to the stupid bowling alley (the same one that does not carry shoes in the Boy's size.) Well...that is not going to happen my friends. We are going to take her to lunch and give her flowers, and come home and nap.

Then, when the other three kiddos get off the bus, I will get up and re-bathe the Fairy Princess and do her hair and put her dress on. Then I will take her to her Kindergarten graduation at 6 pm. Personally, I think they did this whole mess backwards.

So, think of me tomorrow when I have to re-do my makeup to go to the second graduation of the day, where I will undoubtedly cry harder. And think of the Fairy Princess, who told me the other day that all she wanted for graduation was her Grandpa. We all still miss him so much, but it is hardest on the baby. I wait with baited breath for the next big step...

I survived the great dress search of 2010!

2010-05-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am officially Superwoman, just so y'all know! I just spent the better part of 5 hours at two different malls and Davids Bridal (David can suck it!!) with 4 girls aged 15, 11, 9, and 6!!

So, I must be Superwoman, or I will have to admit I've fallen off the crazy train and need a straight jacket right.frickin'.now!! Anyway, after all of that we have a dress and shoes for the same price as the dress alone at David's Bridal (makes sense, the sucking, now doesn't it??) The Diva has tried on every pink dress Macy's has for sale this year, except the overly long obviously-prom dress types.

She finally found the same dress for $70 less, and decided that she really did like that dress after all.

So, I'm home with three girls and a boy and am going to turn in and take a much needed vicodin. No, I didn't lose a girl...she went back to her own house to sleep. I had traded T for a neighbor girl because he didn't want to go to the mall with 4 girls. I understand now why he didn't want to go...

JV Cheer Squad, here we come!!

2010-04-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

The Diva made the jv cheer squad. I think she's happy, although her first comment was "I don't know why I didn't make varsity I caught the girl they dropped!"

We are officially entering a new era in our household. In a few short months we are going to be the parents of a high school cheerleader! Ack!! What will I do?? After wringing my hands in fear that I may never be home again next year, I have decided...it will be ok. I may never have any money ever again, but I will be ok. When I was filling out the paperwork for her to try out I may have skipped (ran) past the dollar signs attached, but now I am fully aware this will cost me an arm and a leg.

Will they give you $550 if you donate an arm and a leg to science?? Probably not, so my new plan is to start saving now and hope that she gets the summer job she is interviewing for at Six Flags.

Oh, and by the way, we also have a spring formal in two weeks and graduation (8th grade) a week after that. So, we need two dresses, a strapless bra and some rockin' shoes (for the spring formal of course!!)

Pray for me peeps, I'm off to find that bottle of Southern Comfort now. Oh wait...I have to pick her up from track practice tonight! How many things can she find to do before we are both overwhelmed??

C really is a Vampire Princess!!!

2010-04-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

So, C decided to go to the doctor as she has been sick (cough due to cold, anyone???) for a minute now. That is an offender minute by the way, not an irl minute, so it could last from 20 minutes to 49 years. Just so you know...

Anyway, the doc was concerned so he ordered blood tests and we got the results yesterday. She, my lovely wife, is... Vitamin D Deficient!! Apparently the numbers on an average human should run between 50 and 100. While C is hovering at 5.6. Not 46, but 5.6!! I have never even heard of someone being Vitamin D deficient, so I really never knew that it could make you sick. Like, really, really don't want to get out of bed, look like a truck ran over you sick. Apparently, that is exactly what happens.

So now she has to take some gel tab thing once a week for a helluva long time, and then we get to go back and re-draw her blood. By the why drawing her blood is like looking for a needle in a haystack, or something equally difficult. 3 years ago it took 5 chemo nurses 11 sticks for 9 tubes of blood just to find out she has some random clotting disorder. Fun stuff huh???

I am so looking forward to having to force her to take meds to fix this little issue...NOT!! And, the Doc says something bizarre about how she is not absorbing the Vitamin D from the sun like she is supposed to. Well duh...she works evenings. She sleeps in the afternoon, and rarely goes out before dark. Why would this be a problem??

So here's to the princess of darkness, the love of my life!! :)

I want to change the world, at least my world...

2010-04-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

The other day I read an article to C wherein the Lutheran Church has finally decided to accept us (teh gays, I mean really do they care about little ol' me??) the way we are. To the point where they will even reinstate people who they previously ousted because they were open and honest about their personal lives.

That got me to thinking... do I want to be accepted for who I am now?? I mean if they didn't want me or my kind then, then do I want to be a part of them now? I'm not trying to sound mean or cold hearted, but coming out was hard for me. It meant giving up some of the people I considered to be family, and understanding that my life would never be the same again. I'm not complaining, I am happier now than ever before in my life. I know, deep inside me, that I am where I am supposed to be. But it was hard. I had to tell C that I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it, and then I had to decide if I was strong enough to do it.

Then I had to tell my Mama and my Daddy. For those that don't know, I was raised Southern Baptist. You all surely know how hard this was, I can't imagine how hard it was for my parents to hear that I was going to "CHOOSE" to be different than I had been all my life. I came out three years ago in February at the age of 32.

Parts of me wish I had come out 15 years ago when I first had questions, but really didn't know. We teach our daughters that that part of themselves that we all term 'virginity' is sacred. It is special, something to be given only to someone you love with all your heart, mind and soul. Part of me wishes C had been that person, part of me feels sad that she wasn't the first and only I shared that with. But...if I hadn't been married to the EX, three of the kiddos wouldn't be here. And, if C hadn't been with her ex, the eldest wouldn't be here either. So, it's kind of a toss up.

I say all this to say that I want to be more involved in the LGBT community in my area. I want to prop them up, and shout from the rafters that I believe in this cause, I believe in US!! But, I really don't know how. I don't have extra money to give them. And, with four children, work, and Phoenix Flight I kind of run out of time to breathe. So... How do I do this?? How do I help them and all of us gain the acceptance the Lutheran's have graciously granted us from everyone else?? Clear as mud? I hope so!! :)

Why are some things not as important??

2010-04-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, being a good lesbian blogger (oh sorry, are you surprised??) I try to engage my partner whenever I can. When I see a good conversation starter I tell her about it, or ask her opinion. I have asked her several times recently because a friend of mine (Sasha) is a great conversation starter.

Sometimes if I want to leave a comment on another site that I think C might feel would compromise her (or our) privacy, I will ask her if it is okay. Most of the time she simply says she doesn't care. BUT... if I want to put pics up of our children, then she gets all bent about it. I guess that is what I don't understand. If it's okay for me to share intimate details about our personal lives with a person whom I consider a friend, but don't *know* in *real life*, then why is it not okay for me to share details about our children?? I don't really want to show their faces, but I think it would be cool to put certain things on this page.

I feel obligated to ask her, hello...it's her life too, but I don't think I want to know the answer sometimes. She doesn't care about blogging in general, or mine in specific most times. I, on the other hand, feel like I've built some really good friendships (in a loose sense) out in the great wide web. Do you all ever have this issue?? How do you, *I*, resolve it? I can't force her to care about everything I do, because hello...I'm never going to care how a car goes together, but it would be nice if I could share this with her more often. Any thoughts???

The dogs have graduated!!!

2010-04-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

So, the Phoenix Flight Program has successfully graduated our first round of dogs!! My dogs did great and my offenders were outstanding! I am so proud of all of them! Alex went to his forever home, and they are Collie people, so I think it will be great for him. His offender trainers cried, which made me sad. The reality of it is, it's not a success unless they all go to good homes, but I hate to make anyone hurt. Hopefully we will have 6 new dogs in the first week of May, keep your fingers crossed!!

Update on Phoenix Flight

2010-04-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

All of my dogs graduated their Canine Good Citizen Test last night. This is probably the hardest thing I've done since I've worked in a prison. It has been fun, rewarding, sad, disappointing, and sometimes scary.

I have had to remove two of the trainers. That sucked. We lost a 3rd due to a court-ordered treatment transfer the day before the test. The other two trainers were flying stupid in a no-stupid-zone and had to be tagged. I hated doing it, but I am ultimately responsible for the safety of my dogs.

Next week is graduation, and then I have three weeks to find homes for 4 of the 5 dogs, before we bring the next crew of six in. My boss is already freaking out this time. I told him that normally he gives me until the week before, he said he was trying to beat the rush on freaking out. It all makes me tired.

The program has not been without its detractors. There have been both officers and classification staff that have wanted to see this fail. There have been others who waited until they saw signs of success before attacking. I will stand by this program no matter what. We are doing the right thing, for both the dogs and the offenders. This is the most important thing I've done since I started working for the Department 5 years ago. And, in the end, we will succeed. We may be tired, we may be stressed, but we will stand and be counted in the end as people who have done a positive thing for both offenders and rescue dogs.

The day I painted my son's nails

2010-03-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

So, today I painted T's nails. The world did not fall out of orbit, he didn't say he wanted to be a serial killer, I painted his nails. When I was growing up I fought with my parents a lot. Mostly the fights were about my clothes or my makeup, or why I wanted to be in drama. I always told myself and my kids that I won't fight about self expression. The rule is "as long as your boobs and your butt are covered I don't care what you wear." C apparently doesn't have the same philosophy. That said, I think it is mostly out of concern for T. He gets picked on at school and C is worried that having black nails will cause him to get beat up. I asked T if he worried about this, and he said " I don't care." now it could be different tomorrow afternoon if he gets beat up or something, but I honestly don't think it will happen. I just want T to be happy in his own skin, and right now he's not. So what do you all think? Are black nails the beginning of a downward spiral??

I miss my wife!!

2010-03-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know everybody works and I know we all work hard, but seriously??? I'm tired and I'm done! I want C to work a normal shift, so we can have a normal family. I know I sound mean, hateful, whatever you want to call it. I'm just tired of never seeing her. I used to celebrate our anniversary every month, but I forgot a few months ago and suddenly time just flies by. I just want to spend some quality time with her by myself. Every time I say that, out loud or in my head, I feel like a selfish bitch. I'm just afraid we are going to wake up one day and not have anything to say to each other. I haven't seen her awake in two days and I'm lonely. There you go, I said it. And now I sound like some 2 year old brat. But really, I miss my best friend!!

How do you know when you're getting hosed?

2010-03-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

So, the last several weeks at work have been just a tad stressful. I have been fighting a losing battle trying to deal with things. I have been trying really hard to learn to shut my mouth. This might work for some, but not so well for me! I have finally learned after 35 years to walk awAy, now if everyone else would just get on board! If I work circles around someone, then don't spend time trying to tear me down! Just let me work! Oh wAit... I forgot the rules of DOC!! Failure is expected, mediocrity is rewarded, and success will not be tolerated!! Anyone feel like you are working for no appreciation or recognition? Normally I am happy to just do my job, but sometimes It would be nice to get a thankyou!

Look @ me, all technologically advanced!

2010-02-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

So, I got an iPod touch ... And it has taken me about a month to figure out how to use it. I wish I could post more often, but with kids and work and work dogs I am busy beyond anything I ever imagined. The dogs are doing well, with the average amount of beurocratic bs you'd imagine. Keep your fingers crossed, I am hoping for success!

The Dogs are here!

2010-02-11T03:56:00.000-08:00

I started working on Phoenix Flight on November 15th, and yesterday, February 10th we got our first set of dogs!! I am so excited, and I firmly believe my offenders will do an outstanding job! This has felt like an overly long process, and some days I felt like it would surely never happen. There are many naysayers when you are trying to do something different than "the way things have always been done." But it was worth it last night.

Until last night, I had never seen one of these guys smile. All the rest (9 others) will smile and hold a conversation, but this one man I had never seen an actual smile. My friend gave him his dog, and I saw all of his teeth, his smile was so big. It makes me proud to be a part of something like this, and I believe it will do wonders for the dogs and the offenders!

We have 5 dogs, some of them are silly, and all of them have great personalities! I can't wait to see what these guys can accomplish!!

So, y'all have a good day because I know I will!!

So, if you're the wife is she the husband??

2010-01-29T18:57:00.000-08:00

Today I present you with two examples of questions people ask about the gay community.

The first example comes from my supervisor. I was happy because The Diva called me 'step-mom' for the very first time last night. And I was telling everyone I could find, because it is really important to me. My boss said "I'm confused, I'm trying not to be insensitive, but if you call C your wife, then wouldn't you be the husband?"

I am not insulted by this. Not in the least. I didn't feel attacked, I didn't feel hurt. I felt like she asked out of an honest curiosity, and a desire to understand. I explained, again, that there are no men in our relationship, so we don't use male terms. I call C my wife, and she calls me her wife. I know some lesbians that go by male terminology, but C and I aren't those people. I know that some people consider me feminine, but there really is nothing more feminine than my wife with her blond hair down to her rear! She is beautiful, more beautiful than I ever thought I'd be blessed with.

Now, let me inundate you with the second example. The Diva is in the debate group. I don't know how extensive the debate training is in middle school, but I don't think they've been taught much sensitivity. So, today they were debating whether or not gay marriage should be allowed. Several of the boys were apparently very rude, with one of the most rude comments being "Gays should not marry because they will just make all their children gay."

The Diva interrupted at that point and said that wasn't true. They asked how she knew, and she said "because my mom's are gay." So, anyone that didn't know about her parents status knows now, and our brave little girl spent all afternoon crying. She cried for their ignorance, and she cried because she was angry. And most of all, she cried because the guidance counselor wouldn't let her call home. Can you believe that? She explained why she was upset, and the counselor just said no.

And then? Then she came home and cried with C. Then she put on her makeup and went to a birthday party, because that is what brave 15 year old girls do.

I know this has been long, but I hope you have read all of it. I have been thinking for days about the status of my relationship with C. I don't generally think about the fact that I am a lesbian, because I am out. C says I am like a bulldozer, tell me I can't do something and I'll do it all the faster. But, I feel bad for any children in the room today with the debate team who might be questioning their sexuality. With that kind of ignorance and hatred, they may stay in the closet as long as I did.

Any thoughts?

And....They WON!!!

2010-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

So, yes the Indians won. They are AWESOME!!! I have to tell you, I never thought I could get so excited about middle school sports, but those boys rock!!

They were behind most of the game, but they never gave up. They just kept plugging away, and tied with 2.2 seconds left on the clock! Then it took two rounds of overtime and plenty of penalties, but they won by 5 points! I am not the mom to any of these boys, but my Diva (the cheerleader) she sure does make this mama proud!

And to top it all...she called me her step-mom tonight!! I don't know if anyone else has lived in a blended family, but I have waited almost three years to hear that word! Normally I am just 'my Rebecca', but tonight to one of her friends I became her step-mom. I actually teared up, she made me so happy!

So, I will go to bed and sleep like the exhausted mama I am, and hopefully I will have a voice in the morning! Y'all have a good night! :)

Hey Y'all... GO INDIANS!!!!!

2010-01-27T17:52:00.000-08:00

So, I was never a basketball person. All my life I've watched either baseball or football. Oh, and we can ignore those 11 years where I was forced to watch Nascar. Oh the horrors!

Anyway, The Diva is a basketball cheerleader. And the boy who is not a boyfriend (she can't date yet), is a basketball player. So, I have gone to all but two of the games this year, and I *gasp* enjoy it!! The boys basketball team is going to the championship game tomorrow!! Yeah!! And, while I still don't understand all the specifics, I can safely say I enjoy middle school basketball.

So, go team!! Go Diva!! Here's to hoping they win tomorrow!!

C has an interview!!

2010-01-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

C is going to be interviewing at another Prison in about a week or so. It is for a Corrections Training Officer. Basically she would be the trainer for that entire institution.

I know how badly she wants this, she is an awesome teacher! She has such patience, and such good little pieces of wisdom, it is an amazing thing to watch her teach.

She normally teaches defensive tactics, firearms, chemical weapons, etc. Your normal classroom stuff, LOL!

So, good luck my sunshine! I hope you get everything you've ever wanted!!

Oh, and she would make more money than I do, wooo hoooo! :) Good Luck Baby!

For the record, I am not a people person...

2010-01-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

Today I got called on the carpet by my boss for not being a people person. For the record, I am actually very sensitive. If people actually knew how much I worried about whether or not they like me, they would think I was a whiny suck-up.

All of that aside, there is a place for friends and friendliness. If I work in a prison with you, and you are out in the control module the chances of me asking about your boyfriend, girlfriend or your weekend plans are slim to none.

Now, if you need something I will be the first person in line to help you out. I will do whatever I can, donate whatever extra I have, or find someone who can help you if I can't.

I wish people would not assume that because I am about business at work, that I have no heart and no soul. FYI, the offenders don't want to talk to me about their personal issues because I am THE disciplinarian. I am the only one who regularly deals with their violations and places them on restriction, or in administrative segregation. Would you want to go see the principal about your boyfriend issues, if the principal just gave you a month's worth of detention?? Probably not. The inmates also know that I am probably the best one to have on their side if they are having mental health issues or issues with disabilities. Even my supervisors know this. That is why I work in the housing unit I work in. Just please know that I am in a prison every day for 8 to 10 hours to work, not to be friends with the inmates or all the staff.

I do have a heart, I have a soul, and I have cried over these inmates and their lives more than anyone will ever know. I worry about them even when I am at home, just so everyone knows.

An aside... noone I know from work reads this, but I had to vent a little because really! Even when the warden says it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it only matters what your supervisor thinks, it still hurts to be called a bitch at least twice a day, every day!!

The independent voice of Massachusetts??

2010-01-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

So now, there is a new senator in the place of Ted Kennedy. I was never an outspoken fan of Teddy, he was probably one of the Kennedy's I liked the least aside from Joe Sr.

But really??? We had an opportunity to pass healthcare legislation in this country, and the voters of Mass. took it upon themselves to take that away? I know that it isn't healthcare like I would like. I don't know about you all, but I work full time. I work a lot, and I still can't afford all of my children's healthcare coverage. I also make too much (according to Missouri) for the children to qualify for state healthcare coverage. I was really hoping that the public option would remain in effect. I know that it isn't going to happen, but we have to have some kind of change! It should be illegal that children and old people die every year because they are poor. Or, because their parents are the working poor.

People assume that if I am behind a public option then I must be living on state aid, food stamps, etc. Actually it is the exact opposite. I work really hard, I haven't taken a dime of state aid for 10 years, and yet for some reason I can't afford the Fairy Princess and the Diva's $200 a month in meds for their asthma. Oh, and the Diva has an ulcer because she is a worrier, like her mama. C and I don't take the meds we need, or go to the doctor because we have to pay for the kids monthly trips to the doc, and their monthly meds.

Do I sound whiny? I hope not. I hope you will read this and see it for what it is. Someone who is tired of constantly paying into a system that doesn't help me, or the other law enforcement people that I hang out with. Think about that...the people who protect everyone from the offenders, and the offenders from everyone else are the ones doing without. We are the ones without medicine and medical care, we are the ones giving our all to make sure our kids don't do without. I am tired people, tired of seeing no change. President Obama that goes for you too! Do more, argue more, I've done my part. Fight more for the people you profess to care so much about!

That is all...comments??

Epic FAIL and Happy Birthday!

2010-01-16T17:08:00.000-08:00

So, the other day I posted a long post about how I can't leave my house for 5 minutes without my middle two children making a disaster. And, then right before I hit 'publish post', the phone rang.

For those of you who don't have Charter cable and dsl, I am happy for you. In our house Charter cable means that even with dsl, and my wireless motem, I can't be on the phone and the internet at the same time! How dumb is that?? So, then I got off the phone (thank you Citibank student loans) and tried to publish my new post and the damn internet wouldn't come back up. In order to turn it back on I have to go to my router and unplug and replug in the cables. We have had Charter out to fix it twice. They say nothing is wrong, I say they are lost in a sea of inadequacy and ignorance!!

Anyway, on to the Happy Birthday part! Happy birthday to the fairy princess!! She is a very big 6 year old girl, and I can't figure out how that happened!! She truly is my awe renewed!

I'm back!!

2010-01-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

Hello? Internet friends, is anyone still here? I haven't been here for a minute, mostly because I couldn't find anything I really wanted to say. Last year was really hard in our house, and I figured no one wanted to hear from the sad Becca during the holiday season. However, I am happier now and I miss writing...so here goes!

We are picking up all of the children tomorrow and I am totally psyched about it!! The small three went to Atlanta on Christmas Eve, and the Diva left for Mexico on Christmas morning. So C and I spent our first Christmas alone. We actually had a really nice time, and were not too depressed without the kiddos.

I had a wonderful birthday, and got some really nice presents. C bought me Julie and Julia (Outstanding movie y'all!), two new vampire books, and a robe. I am done with both books which means I need to take my stash to the used book store to get some new ones.

Oh, and happy 3rd year anniversary to the love of my life! I would be totally lost without her. She is my sunshine, every day!!

The dog program is slightly off schedule, as we are busy waiting for the State to finish the Memorandum of Understanding before we can bring the puppies to the prison. Could we please move a little faster???

This is the first year I have been away from the Diva in three years, and I can't wait to see how much she has changed. She has had a blast in Mexico, which is great for her and I am glad to see her spread her wings a little.

And finally, thank you to the U.S. Postal Service who delivered her passport at 7pm on Christmas Eve so the Diva didn't have to stay home with us. The post-mistress in our town rocks, I'm just sayin! She drove all the way to St. Louis, picked up the passport and hand delivered it to my house. All while C was at work, and I was in Tennessee with the Diva dropping of the babies.

So... here is to a New Year! I know it will be a better year for all of us, and I can't wait to see the changes that happen! I love you all, and thank you for being there every time I've needed to talk!

Crazy Christmas Shopping for DOC

2009-12-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

I ventured out into St. Louis last night for some Christmas shopping. Not for my family mind you, because I still don't know where that money is going to come from...

First, we went to Sam's Club. They do not suck, except that it is Christmas season and they should understand that everyone and their brother will want something from the locked cabinet at the Member's Services area. Hire more cashier's for crying out loud!! We spent about $650 dollars for the employee christmas party next Saturday. (I'll have better stories then, promise!)

Then we headed over to Borders and Best Buy, spent a whopping total of about 13 minutes in each store buying gift cards (paid for with a corporate check). No problem there, and the checkers were still actually cheerful (I don't know how.)

We headed off to Shnucks (THEY SUCK!!!!!) with the best of intentions, and hit what we thought was the motherload. You can buy any damn kind of gift card you want. We added up what was spent so far, and discovered we still had another $1700 to spend. Yippee!! Right? Nope! After gathering around $550 worth of gift cards, the cashier watches me right out a check, screw it up and start over. As I am starting over, he comes out of his comatose state to say "You can't do that!" What, I said? He says "You have to pay for those gift cards with cash!!" Seriously????? You watched me f*ck up the first check and now write the next one, and waited until I was almost done to say no??? What the hell is your problem?

Those were the thoughts running through my brain, what I actually said was "cancel it!" and walked out of the store.

Finally, we made our last stop at Wal-Mart (Telecheck sucks!!). We gather $1,242.00 worth of merchandise and head to the cashier. After the cashier almost dumped our digital picture frame in the floor, I was ready for a drink. We again write a check on the corporate account, only to have it declined. Then, the manager decides to get stupid with me. After I almost raised my voice at her, I called Telecheck to discover (as I thought) that there is nothing wrong with our checking account, telecheck just doesn't want us to spend any more money on Saturday night. So, we decided to split the bill and try to write another check. That worked, go figure! Then we tried to buy the second round of merchandise, again no joy. I could understand Telecheck being this nutty if the items were written on a personal check, but they were not!!! There is over $15,000.00 in that account. I haven't spent it all year, let me spend it for crying out loud!!!

So, friendly internets... anyone else have any crazy Christmas shopping stories? And, for those interested, no we don't have a damn credit card, this might have all been easier with that!

Another job interview...

2009-11-28T07:42:00.000-08:00

Good Morning All! So, as you may have guessed by the title I have another job interview on Monday morning. The interview is for the same position as last time, which is a giant step forward in the career plan. There is only one problem... I don't know if I want it this time or not.

If you haven't read further down on my page, I have this huge program going on right now at work where we are trying to bring dogs in for the offenders to raise so we can adopt them back into the community. This is a huge commitment on my part, and several other people both in and out of the prison community.

C and I talked about it, and I wasn't going to interview this time. I told my boss that I was going to wait 6 months to get this program up and off the ground, but that I would interview for the next position that came available. Then, it happened! He just kind of flipped out. He said that was a waste of my ability, and if for nothing else I needed to interview for the experience. So, then I decided I would just blow the interview. I mean I have a really good, steady job, and I could interview for the next open spot...right?

There is only one problem with that. I tend to do my very best at everything, and I don't know if I know how to blow something off that I have wanted for so very long. So dear intranets, anybody have any ideas? Do I blow it off? Do I do my best and then tell them I don't want it? Do I do my best and then take the job if they offer it? What do I do???? Can you feel my pain and confusion? Someone help please!!

I am thankful for...

2009-11-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

I know it has been a week since I posted (I think), and so if no one reads this entry that is okay. I just need to say it, I think I am practicing for tomorrow. The Diva likes to know what we are all thankful for.

I am thankful for:

1. My wife, she is the love of my life, and I thank the gods above every day for her.
2. My children, they truly are the joys of my life.
3. My job, because I know there are people out there that will go hungry tomorrow.
4. My house, because I could have been living in a cardboard box.
5. As much as it sucked, I am thankful that I was there almost every step of the way with my Daddy at the end. I miss him with a pain that may never grow dull.
6. My friends, Amy, Jen, Paul, Tracey, Wendy, Mike, Brenda and all the rest that hugged me, wrote me little notes, or just thought about me throughout this very bad, no good year.

Again I want to say how thankful I am for the love of my life. Without her, I have no doubt I would have layed down and given up. For those of you who have never experienced work in law enforcement (yes, prison counts) remember all of us please. For all of our funny stories, some days are really bad and require a lot of help to get through. To all my brothers and sisters in blue, I am thankful for all of you. Thank you for protecting me and mine every day!

Bring on the dogs!!

2009-11-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

So, now I can tell you about my new project at work!!! I am the project coordinator for a program called Phoenix Flight Dog Rescue.

We are going to be bringing dogs into my prison, and I can't wait! We are going to start with 5 dogs and 10 offenders with the hope of going up to 20 dogs and 40 offenders. We will be training the offenders to train the dogs, and then they will be adopted out by our coordinating rescue society.

I know in my heart that this will work, I don't know of a single program that has failed and there are a bunch of them out there. The only problem that I foresee is that we are trying to find funding for everything. Due to budget cuts the department will not be funding one tiny little part of this, so I have to find money for everything (even the food.)The only other issue will be (as always) peoples' own ignorance. We will be using dogs that have been rescued, and most rescued dogs in Misery come from fighting homes. So, you have all the people out there who believe that fighting dogs can't be rehabbed.

So... everyone think happy thoughts and positive blessings for me and my new baby, I really want this one to succeed!

Nine working days left before I go back to a housing unit!

2009-11-07T06:53:00.000-08:00

I am sooooo excited! I am going back to the unit I first started in as a caseworker, and I can't wait!! I am training my replacement, and boy does she have the deer in the headlights look right now. I always think it is funny when people realize exactly how much work goes into what I do. Plus, there is all the other stuff I do that she won't even have to worry about.

I teach staff about once a month, I teach a two hour program to the offenders weekly, I help with our adseg committee, and for the past three months I have been acting president on our personnel club. I really am one busy little chicky! I am going back to 5 8-hour days this week so that I can keep up with what the kiddos are now doing. The soldier is starting wrestling this week, and The Diva has cheerleading practice at least twice a week. Plus, the princess has joined the Drama club (perfect for her,really!) and they meet once a week after school.

I also have a really big project coming up at work that I am not allowed to talk about right now, but OMG if it succeeds it will be a major windfall for me! I think I have again found how to be content in wherever I find myself. Thank the Goddess for that, because I don't know what I would do if I remained as discontented as I was for about a month. How about you internets? Is everyone content where they are right now?

Another banner day for gay marriage

2009-11-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

Yeah for the state of Maine, according to Fixed News, Maine makes the 31st state to vote in a referendum to repeal a law that would have allowed gay marriage.

I am so proud to be from Misery today, I just can't stand it!! All I really have to say is 'why?' Why is my life and the happiness in my life less important than the rights of others? Why is it ok to discriminate against one entire section of humanity??

I know I don't shout from the rafters around here about being gay and how I believe we should all support each other, but come on! Can't we ever get to the point where it is ok for anyone to live their lives without extreme prejudice and interference? C and I don't spend every single moment showing pda to our neighbors far and wide. I have a really hard time believing that my personal life affects Joe Blow down the street. I would like to marry my wife (legally) in front of my family and friends, I don't think that is too much to ask for.

Sometimes this is just sooooo disappointing, I just have to rant! Thanks all for listening.

Tattoos and bellies!!

2009-10-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

So, in honor of Aunt Becky (mommywantsvodka) and Sylvia and Bianca (The Zaftig Chicks) I am putting up a pic of my tattoo and mah belly (kind of.)

I chose the ribbon because really? why not have a rainbow ribbon on my body. Ladybugs are my all-time fave bug of course. The Diva calls me the little, lellow, ladybug. And, of course, it has the Irish clover at the bottom because I must insert my Irish roots wherever I go. I also put someone's initials on there because she is very near and dear to my heart. And then...she cried! I think all in all it is a success. So, dear internets, do you all have any tattoo pics you would like to share? Or belly pics? I'll take either, I'm not picky!

Oh, and if you are looking for some awesome sights visit Aunt Becky or the Zaftig Chicks 'cause they rock!!

I am still here, and an update on C!

2009-10-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't been here in almost two weeks. Ack, the pain!! I love blogging, I just ran out of time with the birthday party for the Diva and trying to find the gumption to work while at work and worrying my butt off about my wife.

The Diva's party was wonderful, the boyfriend who isn't a boyfriend and his parents and the rest of his siblings (run-on much, I KNOW!!!) went to mexican and then bowling. I think she loved it, and we actually got a pic of her and the boy smiling (talk about labor intensive.)

C went to the workman's comp doctor again on Tuesday. For those of you that don't know, she wrenched all of the tendon's in her elbow while trying not to fall down the stairs of the tower at work about 6 months ago. Two cortisone shots later and four weeks of stupid physical therapy, she is still in pain. She had to recertify for the firing range on Thursday and Friday. By Friday when they qualified on the pistol, her supervisor had to hold the damn holster so she could get the pistol out and fire. So, she told the doc all that yesterday, and he said well the only thing left is surgery.

She said okay, which shocked me because she hates surgery and hospitals and all that crap. I guess that means she hurts worse than she tells me, which means she is in more pain than anybody knows. And still...people at work seem to feel she is faking it. So, there you have it internets, I am worried for her but if she doesn't do this the damage may be permanent. If it isn't already because they have waited sooooo long. What do you think?

Back to school, yippee!

2009-10-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

So today, after a whole week off due to upper respiratory illnesses, all 4 of my children will be heading back to school! Thank the Gods above for small miracles, because I really am very (VERY) tired of the bitter, angry, bitch at each other for 24 hours a day, children that have kidnapped their ickle little bodies.

Really... being trapped in a hourse with 4 children who are sickly, fever ridden critters makes you a much better woman than I. Woman, thy name is C! She is awesome, because I seriously would have been committed by now. I am ready to send them all packing to the nearest military school after just the weekend with them. So, to all of you who stay home, or spend an inordinate amount of time with your critters on a daily basis, I say thank you from all of us who would have probably left them somewhere rather than listen to the bitching! (I kid, but REALLY!!!)

Gone, but not forgotten

2009-10-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

Today is the 11 year anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard. He was 21 years old, a beautiful young man, and he died because of the hatred of a few men his own age.

Matthew was born December 1, 1976 and died October 12, 1998. He was attacked after accepting a ride from two men on the evening of October 6. He was found tied to a fence post outside Laramie, Wyoming eighteen hours later after being pistol whipped and left for dead. Severe head injuries eventually cost Matthew his life.

I have watched the Laramie project, which is a good idea (I believe) for anyone who is just coming out. There is supposed to be a sort of Laramie redux, for the ten year anniversary, coming out soon. The gentleman who did the latest interviews spent a good deal of time with one of the men found guilty in Matthew's death. He admitted that he is the poster-child for hate crimes in the U.S. He also stated that he did not want to get out of prison, that there was no place for him in the world.

Ten years ago if you had asked me if the men who attacked Matthew should have died, I would have undoubtedly said yes. Today, after almost 5 years in the prison system, I don't know anymore. Part of me wants to spend year after year locked in a cell for 23 hours a day, simply because they took Matthew away from his parents and everyone who loved him. The other part of me doesn't believe that rehabilitation is possible for men like this.

It is not my intent today to be sad, or angry for Matthew or his family. Today it is my intent to lift up the life of this beautiful young man taken from us far too soon. Please let someone you know (gay or straight) that you love them no matter who they are. That they are important in someone's life, who knows you and I could make a difference today!!

More fall cooking!

2009-10-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend I am making apple butter in the crockpot (thank you very much Southernplate.com), and apple fritters! I can't wait until I wake up in the morning and the whole house is filled with the smell of apple-y goodness.

My mama didn't make these kind of things while I was growing up, although she does make some kick-butt (!) fried chicken, lasagna, and german chocolate cake. I want my girls to grow up with a good sense of how to make their families happy. While I am definitely not one of those ladies who is submissive and compliant, I do want my family to know I put my best on the table for them everytime I can.

On a more somber note, no promotion for me...this time around. I took my day to be pissed off and hurt over it, and I am okay now. I feel like it really must be a 'third times a charm' kind of thing for me. We'll see, I don't know when there will be another spot open for me to interview but I'll be ready!!

*P.S. Do any of you have favorite recipes that your mama's made for you? I always love remembering my mama and my mawmaw (grammy) cooking for all of us when we were kids.

P.P.S. Go Colts, Go Cowboys, Go RedSox!!!

I am soooo oooold!!

2009-10-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

So today I was wandering through a part of the prison and found an offender...standing in the doorway smoking a cigarette! I couldn't believe it!! I'll be honest, I smoke. There are days I wish I didn't, but I still do. We are not allowed to smoke in our offices (duh!), so I follow all the pidly little rules they seem to add to daily.

However... I am not going to stand there and let an offender smoke in a doorway, when I can't smoke in my office. No way, not gonna happen! So, I took his ID and went to write the violation and discovered he was born in 1988. He is only 6 years older than the Diva. Isn't that just awful? Why am I re-raising an entire generation of society's forgotten children? Oh, I remember... sometimes some (not all) parents just don't give a rat's ass. That is my rant for the day!

**p.s. Does it say something about how old I really am that I can't watch the Diva and all her little cheerleading buddies do the booty shakin' cheers? I just can't do it...I know she's 14, but still she will always be a little one to me. :)

H1N1 is making me paranoid...

2009-10-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

SO... I have been told that two or three children at my kiddos school have H1N1. I am seriously considering taking my smallest child out of school and putting her on lock down!

One of C's friends just lost her daughter last week. They believe that she had H1N1 and they also believe that her asthma made it harder for her to fight off. It scares the piss out of me, I'll be honest. There aren't many things that do it for me, but anything that threatens the life of my children ratchets up the fear factor a notch or two.

I honestly don't know what to do, the vaccine (injectable) won't be here for a few weeks, and then only at the health department. My eldest and smallest need it most because they both have asthma. The Diva wouldn't stay at home for anything, especially if she isn't sick yet. Oh, and according to everything I've read the eldest and smallest can't take the H1N1 mist (up the nose) because of the asthma. Ack!! What is an overly-paranoid mama to do at this point? Any ideas??

Yes, I do cook dammit!

2009-10-03T14:50:00.001-07:00

I very rarely cook during the summer. Quite frankly, I hate it. I would much rather let C grill something while I make macaroni salad and lots of fresh veggies.

Yet another reason I love fall is that I get to start cooking again. This weekend I am making chicken and dumplings with homemade bread. C is sick, she sounds miserable, so this should help some. Tomorrow I am making nothing (yet another wake), and Monday (Yep, still part of my weekend, Yeah ME!!) I am making ham and beans. I can't wait. I love fall days, the football on the screen (go UGA!!), and the smell of freshly baked bread. Nothing beats it. So, do you all cook or I the only one left on the planet??

*RIP John. One of my very best friends' dad passed on Wednesday with the same cancer that killed my dad. 3 months to the day people, this really sucks!!

Come on Fall, and all the grouchy children!!!

2009-09-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

It is no secret in my family, my favorite season is fall. The leaves are falling, the air is crisp, the bugs are almost dead... there really is nothing better!

However, being at home alone on a Monday morning with my smallest two has given me a new reason to be irritated with my favorite season. C is in training all week, which means she has to go to work in the morning instead of 4pm. I am apparently the only one who actually enjoys the cool, crisp mornings because I have spent the last 30 minutes listening to the fairy princess cry about being cold. Now, I am not the mean mommy that I portray in real life, I took her a heavier coat and made sure the light one is in her backpack for later. But, really... 57 degrees is cold??? What is she going to do when the midwest winter actually hits and it is -4 degrees outside?

I didn't realize this might be a problem until now. C probably doesn't put up with the same level of whining I am tolerating this morning. I normally don't see my kiddos, except to say goodbye at 6:30 every morning. So, on the mornings that I am here I try to be tolerant, and happy. However, happy normally means waving them off and going back to bed. Today I have to do all the running I do once a month for work, kids doctor's appointments, etc. And to top it off, I actually have to go to work and take C a different shirt. Seems she figured out half way there that she is not a firearms instructor any longer and probably shouldn't wear the red shirt. Oh well... yeah!!! Fall is almost here, and while my children are grouchy I will remain upbeat because I know it will only get colder.

Do you have a favorite season?

Blogger.com almost made me crazy!!!

2009-09-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Blogger... Why is my password that I have used every day for the last three months, not the same password as my google password? Do you understand you have almost made me lose the last bit of sanity I had? I'm just sayin'!!!

It is a damn communist conspiracy!!!!

2009-09-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

I was talking to the Princess on the way back from her new ecology club, when she informs me that now all the kids who have sack lunches have to sit in a whole different section of the lunchroom.

Apparently, this is to cut down on the amount of contamination from those dreaded children who are still bringing peanut products to school. Earlier this year we were told that if the children brought peanut products they would have to sit at a different table and use sani-wipes for their hands and faces when they were done eating.

Now I guess they don't have enough people to be on the lookout for the peanut product children, so they have lumped them all in the same group. WTF????? My smallest critter has not taken pb&j all year, even though she loves it, because I was unwilling for her to be segregated from her classmates. Now, because I cannot afford for all four of my kiddos to eat hot lunch every day, they are still being segregated.
Hot Lunch Kids vs. Sack Lunch Kids.... I think my kids could take them.

This makes me so irritated, I will probably have to make a phone call to the school on Monday. I don't communicate with the school unless I absolutely have to. I follow the rules of The Mother implicitly. But now? They have found one of my easiest buttons to push. Don't punish my kids because they don't have the same amount of money or qualify for the same government programs as everyone else. They didn't do anything wrong. Grrrrr!

So, what do you think? Do I call, or is one of those live and let live moments?

Dog Shows, almost my very favorite thing!!

2009-09-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

So, tomorrow I am taking Elrod to the show at Purina Farms here in Misery. Purina is a wonderful place for a dog show in the fall because it is outside and the air is cool. Granted we have like a 75% chance of showers tomorrow, which will make my silver tipped white bulldog look like a flippin' dalmation, but there you have it!

I am very optimistic, hopefully El can get his first point tomorrow. We haven't shown nearly as much as his Mama Diana shows her dogs, but we have had a tough year. I am hoping that with the new year, we can show a lot more. We are also lucky it is only a confirmation show, so really all he has to do is trot, stand, and look very handsome. I don't think I could ever do rally, I don't have the patience or the time and energy.

So, here's to hoping the boy doesn't act like an ass and I stack him well enough that he wins. AND, I hope Wayne Brower likes my smallish bulldog... all -- pounds of him, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me. If we do well I'll post pics sometime soon.

Have I failed at my bloggy aspiration?

2009-09-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

If you read the about me section of my page it indicates that originally I wanted to talk about politics, lgbt rights, feminism... you know all the fun interesting stuff that can really get my panties tied in a knot.

If you've read my blog since I started there may be three blog posts that relate to any of the above topics. Instead, I have blogged about my kids, my wife, the prison, my dad, etc... And so, I am wondering have I failed? Or, has it turned into something I didn't originally think I wanted?

See, the name of my blog describes me almost to a tee. I am the girly girl in the relationship. I am the one who collects pretty purses, sun glasses, shoes and feminine clothes. I am (for anyone who might be a lesbian and understand) typically a pillow princess. Which is not to say that I don't participate in the bedroom, it's just that I am typically not the agressor.

My wife says that is because the bedroom is the only place I feel safe enough to give someone else control over me. She is probably right, she often is. Okay, I realize I am totally off-topic here. Give me a minute.

I love my blog, I love that I feel safe enough to say what I want. I love that I have at least a few readers that seem to enjoy reading my occasionally lame crap.

So dear readers... what do you think? Did I fail, or did my blog morph into a weird lesbian mommy, prison bloggy thing?

Somebody want to come teach my class?? Please???

2009-09-16T04:44:00.000-07:00

I have to teach new hires this morning. We will be discussing policy and procedure. While I do know a lot about policy and procedure, really I just want to go back to bed.

This afternoon I am supposed to give them a tour of teh prison. I don't know how my friend Wendy does it, when she brings them to my office I try to scare the crap out of them about grievance so they won't screw up early on. (I know, I'm so nice...right!)

My allergies are going apeshit and it feels like a cat laid on my tongue all night. And not the good kind of cat alright???

So...wish me luck or please come by and teach for me. I have a feeling this one will be memorable! :)

Football Season is here again!! Yeah ME!!!

2009-09-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

So, it is well known in my family that C and I love football. We love all kinds of football!

Specifically, she roots for Dallas and I root for Indianapolis. I know we are really, really weird but it works for us. It is really the only sport we watch together, aside from the end of season baseball. Yesterday was the first of the 'real' football games that we got to see. By 'real' I mean, of course, regular season. We were supposed to see Dallas beat up on Tampa Bay, but here in Misery if you can't get the Rams to play on TV they will do almost anything to avoid showing Dallas.

We watched Cleveland and Minnesota, Seattle vs. St. Louis, and finally Chicago vs. Green Bay. I love watching the Bears and the Packers play football, they do it old school that's for sure! They are on the field name calling, and pounding on each other like football should be.

We have also discovered that we are not capable of avoiding phone calls from friends and family in the middle of our Football Mania. Try as we might, we can never convince them all that we need to have family time on Sunday. Free from interruption. We also realized last night, we are completely screwed!! We have 4 children, there will never be a Sunday without interruption. Why? Oh Why?????

Anyway, pleased to announce that the 'Boys (Dallas for you novices) and the Colts both won yesterday, and all is still right with our world. How about you? Do you have a favorite football team??

A sign from above???

2009-09-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

So, last night I was laying there half-praying and half-thinking that I really needed a concrete answer as to what to do about the job interview in Chillicothe. It's not that I don't want to interview, but damn that is a long drive just for an interview. Plus, do I really want to move 4 hours away if I get the job??

I really don't want to move, and I really don't want to have to pick the kids up and move them to a new school in the middle of the year. Plus, I really like my prison. I want to get promoted here and I'd like to stay here.

Fast forward to today...I got to my office and checked my email; I had a message to call Chillicothe. When I called I was told they cancelled all the interviews because they didn't have the funds from the state to open the treatment section of the prison.

Is that an answer or what??? I don't know whether I'll get the job here or not, I am optimistic but not overly so. It just seemed like fate or providence or something saying 'no, you are going to stay here!' So, now I wait patiently for the interview on the twenty-first...Yay Me!!!

More job interviews coming up!

2009-09-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

So, I got a letter from one of the prisons here in Misery on Thursday. I am interviewing with them this Thursday at 10am. That means I have to leave my house at 6 in the morning, because they really are located in BFE!

I really don't want to move 4 hours away, but I really (REALLY) want the promotion. I went to visit one of my 6 (yes, I said 6) bosses on Friday and told her that I was going to interview. She seemed annoyed, and wanted to know why I wanted to work at a women's prison 4 hours away. Well, I don't but I have to get promoted somewhere people!

C called Friday afternoon and I got an interview letter for the same position at our prison, but the interview isn't until the 21st. This leaves me with a dilemma. Do I interview at both places knowing the answer from the womens' prison will come back first? Or do I wait and do the interview here, thereby lowering my chances for promotion?

There are only 16 people on the register state wide for this position, and I can't imagine very many will drive to the northern-most part of the state for an interview. However, I also don't want to lower my chances at all. Plus, I've never worked at any other prison. This will give me a chance to see how different prisons work. What do you all think??

What pisses you off the most???

2009-09-02T17:45:00.001-07:00

For me it is lying. It makes me crazy mad! I do not understand it. I know that most children lie from time to time, but really? WHY???

What is the point? Why do they not understand that they will get caught in the end? What all is considered lying? For instance, I consider forging my signature to be lying. It is the act of signing my name to something so that they (whichever child it is now) can receive full credit. Rather than just remind me that I have to sign the planner, they would rather attempt a sloppy RSA that doesn't look remotely like mine. It infuriates me, and I have now been through two almost teenage children who think it is perfectly ok. I guess all children do it, I know I did. But...I also remember that I couldn't sit down for a few days because my butt hurt that bad. My Daddy made sure it was a lesson I didn't forget.

S0... there is my rant for the day. What do people do that pisses you off the most, dear internets?

Farewell Ted Kennedy

2009-08-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to say farewell to the last living Kennedy brother.

I didn't agree with very many of his ideas, but no one can deny that he was, at some points, larger than life. The Princess who loves history and always says her favorite president was JFK said "all the ones I like die." She was very sad, so in her honor I say farewell, I hope he was at peace in the end and surrounded by his family.

Band practice, what beautiful music!

2009-08-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

School has started, and my children are going to do a wonderful job this year. I just know it!! T (my son) has started band, he is playing the french horn. I was in band forever and a billion years, and I loved every.single.minute. of it. I can't wait to go to his concerts and let them all pierce my ears with their beautiful noises. Because... right now it is just noise. He doesn't know any notes yet, but he can make noise!

The noise is a cross between an elephant and a goose. Sort of a trumpeting sound with a honk thrown in at the end for good measure. C called on her way to work and said "he doesn't know how to play that thing!" Well, no kidding! He has to learn, and the learning is a beautiful thing. So, when I am holding my head during his twenty minutes of practice, someone remind me that learning is beautiful...mmmmkay?

The Diva has also started cheerleading practice so we wander around clapping and head-bobbing randomly. She's so cute!

The Princess wants to join some school counselor group, and the fairy princess officially missed her first day of school due to asthma today. I figure it is just the beginning. We are actually having a normal (read-hectic, crazy) week around here and it feels good! :)

Four reasons visiting Des Moines isn't good for me, and two that I love!

2009-08-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

1. I gained 5 pounds in 4 days.
2. I was stuck in a house the size of a postage stamp for three days with all four children, two dogs, and my lovely wife.
3. I have to hear about my father-in-law's new girlfriends (Yes, I said GIRLFRIENDS!)
4. I had to refrain from beating my sister-in-law's ass.

The reasons I love Des Moines.

1. Smitty's makes the best tenderloin EVAH!!!
2. I got to spend time with my lovely wife, and we weren't in a prison.

We didn't get to go there for a social call, my wife's grandmother (who she loved like a mom) passed on Monday afternoon. C and I have now put everyone on notice...we are getting off this roller coaster now! No one else is allowed to have a problem for a little bit, while we regain our bearings. And, we still didn't get to get married.

They like me, they really like me!!

2009-08-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with my boss yesterday, and he gave me a really nice compliment. He said "I know I don't say it very often, but you do a damn good job. You fixed property for the audit, and you work very hard, and those grievances are awesome!" I said thank you, and then I wished that he would put it on paper in my file.

And then I thought, sometimes it is nice to have positive affirmation. Working in a prison, I don't get that very often. There is always something late, something else that must be done NOW, or some emergency somewhere. The first year I was a caseworker I spent going totally crazy with an egotistical, woman-hating boss. I thought surely I would never make it. And then last year the opportunity came to take this job. I was back with the crazy, micromanaging boss and I really needed a break.

I know that I complain about how boring this job is, but I also know that I am really good at it. And, it will prepare me whenever I can get promoted. But sometimes, you forget that you are good at something. I told my boss last week that I felt like people hate me because I spend so much time creating a shit-storm of paperwork that must be dealt with. Plus, I am aggressive, sometimes overly-assertive, and extremely High-Alpha. So, you all know what this leads to right? That feeling that you will never be the one everybody likes, because you lack a filter on your mouth most of the time. For the most part, I have gotten over the need to be liked. Probably because I lacked a lot of it to begin with.

But occasionally, it is nice to hear good things said about you. And I will take the true compliments wherever I can get them. Because my boss? Yeah, he doesn't hand out the bullshit real well. So if he compliments me, I know I got it right!

Parent Sex (yes, I said sex!)

2009-08-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

So, have you all ever had parent sex? You know the kind, where you look at your partner and say "If I wasn't so tired, I'd eat you up!" Somebody shared that with me as a joke today, but I see the reality in it.

My wife (partner, baby mama, whatever) and I work different shifts. She works third shift and I work second. That means when I am almost ready to come home, she is going to work. Last week we went three whole days without seeing each other awake.

When I first met C I could wait until midnight when she got home and then we could talk or cuddle or whatever (wiggles eyebrows suggestively). Now that we have lived together for almost 3 years, we are both tired. TIRED!! I want to be able to be with her more than just the weekends when we are both home. Technically we aren't even home together on Saturday. She still has to work, and I try to let her sleep. Sometimes I will see her for about 3 hours before she has to go back to work. It really just sucks. There is no other word for it.

I really enjoy the time we spend together. I know there are couples that get tired of each other and need a break, but we have never been like that. I truly crave her company, she is the best friend I have ever had. Normally we have two times a year that we are alone together. Either New Years or her birthday and Pride Weekend. This summer because of all the stuff (read earlier posts) that happened, I was unable to be with her for Pride. And she was at home alone with our kiddos. It has been almost 9 months since our last time alone, and I neeeeeed it. As in NOW, right now, today, not tomorrow, not next week. And I can't have it. We can't change our schedules until they put bids up for her. We can't do anything about it. And that sucks!

Just thought I'd vent a little, hope y'all understand!

That's soooo gay...

2009-08-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

So, good afternoon intranets! I read a post at today talking about a discussion she had with her son at some point.

It reminded me of my own son coming home and telling me that some of the mean kids were calling him 'gay' and using the word 'fag' to describe him. My son knew what 'gay' was, but the first time he heard it he didn't know what 'fag' was. I felt bad for not preparing him, but I also thought he was almost 13, shouldn't he have known what that was?

Fast forward to almost a month ago, and one of my other friends (who is also a lesbian) told me that a child of a mutual acquaintance of ours had called her daughter a 'fag.' She then had to explain it to her daughter because, like my son, she had never heard it before.

This leads to my point (a tad long winded, I know!), are we as gay parents not preparing our kids for life in the real world by avoiding what we deem an extremely ugly word? I know personally, that word is not allowed in our house. But, when I voiced my concern to another mom (who is hetero) she said perhaps I was being overly sensitive. Her statement was "all the kids say it, it's just a saying."

I disagree wholeheartedly! To me, and most gays, it is a word most often used in hate speech. It is a word used to denigrate and demean the gay,bi,queer,tran members of the community. But, should we be explaining it to our children young? Should they know what the word is, so they are hurt earlier, or should we explain it when it happens?

I am torn. I want to protect my son, but my stomach turns when I even use that word in a sentence. I know that before I even came out I deemed the word 'fag' to be hate speech. I always felt (probably because I hid for so long) that the people who were openly gay deserved our sincere respect for their strength. So that is my question...

When do we prepare our kids for the ugliness in this world? What do you think??

The St. Louis Museum Of Art, A Review...

2009-08-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

While the little kids were gone C,The Diva, and I went to the St. Louis Museum of Art. We all loved it! It was free and it was a great way to spend a really (REALLY) hot, bright summer day. Below are a few of my favorite pictures. I'll also take this time to give thanks and all praise to C, she took all the pictures and she did an outstanding job!! I really wanted to put pics of C and the Diva in here, but I was vetoed because of where we work. Enjoy Everybody!!

This is Degas' Dancer sculpture, isn't she beautiful? I have waited my whole life to see these things.

This is Monet's Waterlilies. It is my all time favorite painting. I love it. I have a copy of it on the wall of my office at the prison, and now I have a small copy for our bedroom at home. Looking at this painting gives me a sense of peace daily, and seeing the real piece of art brought tears to my eyes. C found it and took me to it, because I wasn't paying attention and didn't know that it was there.

This is a chinese dog, he looks remarkably similar to our bulldogs at times. I loved being able to see genuine, real pieces. I am amazed that they made it to our day and age as beautiful as they are.

These arches were made by local artists for the All-Star game which was held in St. Louis this year. They had two arches at the museum. I love looking at local artists' work!

This horse overlooks all the ponds and bridges leading up to the museum. I believe that we read that the statue was a present from France. It is just majestic!

C took these pictures in the war room. These are German guns, she absolutely loved this area!!

Remember I said the statue of the horse overlooks the pond and bridges? This is the pond area. I want to come up here whenever C and I actually have a ceremony, and have our pictures taken here. It is one of my favorite spots in ALL of St. Louis!

Our truck is in that parking area. There is a point to this picture, never fear! There are signs that say no parking, but we (The Diva and I) assumed they (whoever they are) meant No Parking on the Street. Scroll down and see how wrong I was!

See the pretty parking ticket I got? See all those other people parked in the area with our truck? The City Of St. Louis made a killing on all of us that day. We looked and every.single.one. of us got a ticket that day. Oh well, live and learn!

The City Museum of St.Louis, A Review...

2009-08-10T05:44:00.000-07:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I suppose I should mention: nobody is paying me to review the City Museum. I just thought for those of you that don't live here, you might want to know what it is like if you ever visit.

A word of caution to all of you that do not like heights or tight spaces: Do NOT go there. Don't even let yourself be tempted by your wife who will likely say that it will be alright. Don't do it. It will not be ok, not even for a minute. You will have a panic attack the likes of which have not been seen 'round these parts for many years.

But...I digress. No one in our party of adventurers had a panic attack. I did have a moment of "Oh hell, w.t.f. did I get myself into here?" And then I realized that I couldn't very well leave the children, including the Diva, in the oh so capable hands of my ex-husband.

They do have a lot to do at the City Museum. There are places to climb and hide and slide in almost every area. Everything in the museum is recycled, according to the Diva, and that is pretty cool. The Princess had a lot of fun, while she scared me to death, climbing and hiding.

The Roof Top is also supposed to be pretty cool, they have a preying mantis, school bus, and a Ferris wheel that the children can ride. We couldn't go up there because of the heat advisory in St. Louis this weekend.

The aquarium is nice, they have a place for the children (no big people) to crawl through with sharks and turtles that swim overhead. They even have a ray tank, where you can feed and pet the various rays. The rays came right up to the edge and wait for you to pet them, which is awesome!

The Soldier and the Fairy Princess really enjoyed the skate park area. They don't allow boards in there, but you can run up and down all the curvy parts. You can even slide down the concrete areas. The Soldier gave us a scare when he fell down the 15 foot wall, but he didn't break anything so he kept on going.

The Circus School is the only one in St. Louis, and the kids really enjoyed that. The man running it made a handkerchief disappear and made a little girl levitate. The Soldier and The Diva thought that was pretty cool.

All in all, the kiddos had a lot of fun, and I only had a few moments of sheer terror. C did not go which turned out to be a good thing, as she is really not fond of thousands of screaming people and tight spaces and dark corners. If you enjoy any of these things, you should have a blast!

And now we're off to go bowling this morning, Yeah!!! I really do like bowling! :)

p.s. It cost's $12 per person, even for the little ones, and the aquarium is an exta $6 per person.

p.p.s. You cannot drop your children off and leave, unless they are 16 or over. And let's face it, they really aren't children in any sense of the word at that point are they?

Aaaah, Yes! The joys of children

2009-08-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

Yippee! All the babies are home, happy, safe and healthy. We picked them up last Sunday, thus explaining my absence for the week. Did you miss me???

The Soldier and the Princess had doctor's appointments on Monday. The boy grew 2 inches and 14 pounds in the last year and a half. Yeah!!!!! We have done every kind of test (I mean ALL) imaginable, and I am so glad that he is finally growing. Of course he eats us out of house and home daily, but I will do whatever is necessary for him to be healthy in the end.

I know some of you read earlier when we were having such trouble with The Soldier so here is a little update. When we went to the doctor, C and I told him everything...Every.Thing. We have started him on a low dose of some medicine and we will see if this one thing will help. Otherwise, we will have to do a dual med and I don't know how I feel about that yet. I do know I will do whatever it takes.

The best thing ever happened at the dr's appointment. The doc looked at C and me and said "Who is the biological mom, again?" I love him for that! There is never any judgement there, they just act like we are regular parents which.is.awesome!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was still here and hadn't fallen off the planet. Oh and to The Mother, my work internet keepers won't let me comment on your site from work anymore and that sucks because you have had the funniest posts this week. I love your survival guide!

Everybody have a wonderful weekend, maybe I'll take pics or something this weekend. Wouldn't that be neat?

My God (Goddess?) what a day!!!

2009-07-31T16:01:00.000-07:00

So, anybody who has spent time here knows that I work in a prison.

On Fridays we have administrative segregation committee, that is where the guys who are confined 23 hours a day for whatever reason will come to see a three member panel and we will decide what to do with them. Most of the time there are only about 7 or 8 scheduled, but we have had days of 20 or more. Those days are the LONG days.

I think I've explained that I'm the grievance officer where I work, so a lot of the time I am totally alone. Except for whiny offenders, of course. I rarely get to do adseg committee anymore, which explains why I get totally excited about something that promises to be irritating more often than not.

So, this morning started out perfectly normal and I was excited because I get to do committee. Yeah!!! Then the shit hit the fan... we had three guys who apparently were involved in a fight last weekend. We found the one who got hit, with blood all over him. Then the officers found another one (the one they thought did the hitting) and locked him up. Then one showed up at the shift commander's office and said he was actually doing the hitting.

Now, the weird thing here is guys don't normally tell on themselves. So, (I say that word a lot) we thought he was lying; but we locked him up anyway. Well, we went back and forth this morning and finally decided the one who admitted to hitting was telling the truth.

Then we had another guy who wanted to threaten some staff while on the phone with his wife (girlfriend?sister?), so we had to see him.

Fast forward a few hours and by 2:30 this afternoon I had written three violations, two for the fight and one for the threats over the phone.

Then my boss calls me back in and says "Why didn't you all cut the guy making the hooch loose?" I don't effin' know, I am not (NOT) in charge here. So, we convened an emergency committee at 3:30 this afternoon to let him out of our adseg unit. For the record, hooch is prison made alcohol. They gather all the fruit they can steal from food service and mix it with god knows what else and some bread and voila! You have hooch!! Except this guy's violation didn't get read in time and we can't hold him anymore. Woops! Our bad, we can't punish you anymore because we didn't follow the policy.

By the time I left my office at 5:15pm they still hadn't released the guy with the hooch from 5 house, but I was going home. With the assurance of the sgt that he would be released as soon as chow is over.

I am soooooo glad it is the weekend! And, in other good news, I get to pick up the babies on Sunday. Yeah!!!

Alone for the evening...

2009-07-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

Yippee!!!!! I am alone! Totally alone, except for the doggies.

The Diva went to stay with a friend (we are babysitting her kid during the day), and the bottom three aren't home from Atlanta yet. I don't know what to do with myself, hehe!

I think I am going to watch some tv, eat some food, take some ambien and sleep like there is no tomorrow!

I am at the stage where I really don't like being around people all that much, I don't know what to say anymore. I love being able to sit down and write out my feelings and thoughts for the day, except Wow! today would have been mostly curse words.

Anyone who has never worked with an exclusively male population before, you are missing out! The joy of trying to make yourself understandable alllll day long is overwhelming. How many different ways are there to say "you have to wait for the paperwork." I leave some days feeling like I will never change anything, but others it is worth all of this.

So... now I will take a small break, order dinner (italian, yum!), and watch the tube. Y'all have a good night! :)

The joy of quiet mornings...

2009-07-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

I love early mornings at my house. All is quiet, everyone but me is asleep.

The sun is shining, and I will not let the gray at the back of my mind take over. These are the mornings where I sit in front of the computer, with my coffee and read my favorite blogs. They are an escape for me, I have found a few new ones over the last few weeks that have really helped. They have made me laugh out loud, and I am glad. Glad to know that I am going to come around eventually, and glad to know that my sense of humor is as warped as it ever was.

This morning I got up and loaded the dishwasher, and made blueberry muffins. I know that C and the Diva will be thrilled when they get up, and it made me all the happier to have a few minutes of quiet peace. Tuesday will come, and I will go back to work, but the weekends with my family make it all worthwhile. Just thought I'd share my favorite day of the week.

What is yours?

Followup on Elrod's eye

2009-07-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

Good morning all! The sun is shining and the birds are chirping, meh! Not really, I woke up to a wonderful thunderstorm that would have been really good sleeping weather. Did I get to sleep? Nope.

I took El (the baby bulldog) in this morning for a check up on his eye. Doc says it all looks good, except we have to do the ointment in the non-injured eye 4 times a day because it is still too dry.

We won't know until next Saturday whether or not he will keep the eye. They have to take the stitches out and poke around a little, and then the Doc will decide.

In better news, the secretary told me this morning it is only $480 rather than $650. Yippee! I told her just to keep the money on our account until we see what happens next week.

I am going to think positively, and believe for him that El will get to keep his eye. Although, his Mama D said we could make him a pirate for Halloween next year, with a black patch! I kid, we would much rather him keep his eye. But, at least we know he will always be our baby boy.

So, I sit here and watch him. He hates this damn collar, and really just figured that out this morning. My poor boy...

Why am I sooooo angry??

2009-07-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, and I was pissed. Not irritated, not grumpy, just pissed.

I don't know where this is coming from. Well, I take that back, I do know. I feel like at least part of my life was left back there almost a month ago when Daddy died. My sis was angry at the beginning, she said it helped her. I don't think it is helping me. It feels like I can't get this rock off my chest.

People will ask me what is wrong, and my brain is thinking "duh, whaddya think is wrong with me?" But then (until today at home), I am nice and brush them off. "Nothing's wrong, I am fine, just fine."

This is the part of me that hates working at a prison. I can't be sad and mopey in front of the offenders, I can't be sad and mopey in front of my boss. I tell new employees all the time, 'fake it until you make it.' But I haven't faked it in about three years. I like my job, I enjoy almost all aspects of it. But, right now I don't want to be there. I don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to anyone.

I teach a class to about 20 offenders, and I know it is slower right now than the last class I taught. I keep telling myself I have to pick up the pace, but I don't know how. I cannot bring myself to care about it right now.

I feel bad for being such a grouch, but I don't know how to stop. I feel like no one wants to hear about my sob story anymore, but I can't make it go away.

I yelled at C tonight and I just couldn't stop. Then I came out of my bedroom, and the Diva was sitting there listening in on our conversation so I yelled at her too. Ack! I know better than to behave like this, it makes me worry that I will drive the people I love most away.

Part of me feels like it would be better to just be left totally alone, but then I'm all 'wait, come back, don't leave!' Then C said she understood, mmmm no, don't think she really does. I don't know how anyone who hasn't gone through this understands, and I know that sounds mean too.

Make it stop!! Maybe if I remind myself to breathe it will all work out, but it doesn't feel like it right now.

Damn bulldogs!!!

2009-07-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Elrod ruptured his cornea last night. I don't know why it has to be the one who is worth twice more than his sister. He is the one with the skin problems, and now this.

We had an emergency surgery at 8:00pm to save the eye, and hopefully they'll be able to take the stitches out Saturday morning. I don't know for sure. Thank God for the Diva, without her paying attention we probably wouldn't have found it until this morning. Thank God for C, without her yelling at the very stupid vet tech, they probably would have convinced the Doc to take the eye without looking at it.

Thank God that it was Elrod, and not Lucy (breathing problems) otherwise we probably would have lost her.

I told his Mama D last night (our co-owner) that I didn't care if he ever showed again, I just don't want him to lose his eye. We are holding out hope.

Also, thank the Goddess (confused yet??) that the other 3 kiddos weren't at home, only two hysterical women needed at once... thank you very much!

p.s. I am hoping to post pics from our trip to the St.Louis Art museum this weekend, it was lovely. They have Degas' dancer and Monet's Waterlilies. I am in love forever!!

My Sister's Keeper

2009-07-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

I took the Diva to see My Sister's Keeper tonight. It is a fairly sad movie and although C would sit through it with me (and probably will once it is in stores), I thought she has been through enough lately.

It is a good movie, moving, sad, somewhat uplifting, but all in all a good movie. Here's the bad part though...If you read the book don't expect the movie to hold a candle to it.

I liked it, I just wish it hadn't been the very first Jodi Picoult book that I read. I love her, I love her writing even though she makes me cry every time. Sometimes that is cathartic, I think.

The other problem is I probably won't be able to convince the Diva to read the book, she is still working on Breaking Dawn. So, I sat there and didn't say anything when the end went in an unexpected direction. She won't know what she is missing and neither will C, so the only person I could really talk to about it is my sister. She would go on a complete tangent with this one, I promise.

In other news, the Soldier, the Princess and the Fairy Princess are all in Hotlanta for the next two weeks, so I am trying to figure out how to fill my time on the weekends. We are off to the museum on Sunday, and I think that will be wicked fun.

And... the low here tonight is going to be 57, hooray for open windows and bulldogs that can breathe b/c the humidity finally went away!!! Yippee!

And the winner is...

2009-07-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

Me???

Gosh, I hope so! I interviewed today at a level 5 (maximum security) institution for the position of functional unit manager. The FUM is the manager of the housing unit, supervising offenders, classification staff, and custody staff.

I think it went well, there were only two questions that I had to make up on the spot answers. This is my first time interviewing for this position, it took three interviews to become a caseworker, so I am not overwhelmingly optimistic.

However... they did offer me a tour of the institution (sweet!) and I think they have already called my boss!

I felt a little nervous at the beginning, where I had to just say "Becca get over it! It is just an interview!!" Tomorrow I will going back to being a simple grievance officer, but today? Today was good!

In other news, did anybody besides Adrenaline's Shadow see So You Think You Can Dance? Wonderful choreography in the 'addiction' piece by Mia Michaels. She rawks!

Wonderful days...

2009-07-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

So, Tuesday has come and gone. It was a wonderful service, and my brother did an outstanding job. He was so strong for my mama, I am so proud.

About halfway through the service, I felt a kind of peace settle over me. The rest was still very difficult, and I cried like a baby at points, but it did feel peaceful.

I went back to work yesterday, and am going for a promotional interview today. Daddy would not want me to just lay down and quit, so I won't.

My grandpa told me to make sure I take care of Mama and my brother, so now I have to figure out how to get money to her once a month without irritating her. She is very private, and sometimes when people try to help she feels like they pity her.

Thank you to everyone who gave me their thoughts, well wishes and prayers. I appreciate you all, and have come to feel very close to many of you. Hopefully I will feel up to spending time on my favorite sites again soon. Right now every time I go to comment, I just can't find the words. But, I love you all!

Go Big or Go Home...

2009-07-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

The next few days may very well be the longest of my life...

For the record, my friend Diana disagrees and says that the day Daddy died will be the longest day for the rest of my life.

Monday we will have the visitation. I was planning on taking the little ones from 5-6 pm and then taking them home, because I didn't think they needed 4 hours of visitation. Then Mama called and said I need to be at the house by 11 am so we can have a family meal with Daddy's brothers who are coming in for the funeral and I need to stay until 7 pm for the visitation.

I understand where she is coming from, I really do. I just worry about the babies.

Tuesday is the funeral. We have to be there at 9:30 am and the funeral starts at 10. That will last until 11 or 11:30 and then we will have the meal. Mama is independent fundamental baptist, so they cook a lot. The family and the pall bearers will eat first so we can leave for the grave site on time. Then we will all get in the vehicle and drive to Jefferson Barracks for the burial. Then we are all driving back to her house to go to dinner before the brothers have to leave Wednesday morning.

Mama never does anything ostentatious or loud, but this? This is big. She has made all the arrangements, the casket sounds wonderful, the flowers beautiful, and they are doing a burial with full military honors. I just want it all to be over.

I think my only problem with all of this is that other than my kiddos, I? I will.be.totally.alone. I cannot bring C or the Diva to the funeral. Any support that I could get from my wife I will have to get prior to leaving Tuesday morning. On top of that, she has to work Tuesday night. She hasn't been able to take off for any of this, because according to the state of Misery, our relationship doesn't exist.

When I told her last Tuesday that she couldn't go to the funeral, she cried. I haven't seen her cry through any of this, I couldn't even tell you what she ate last weekend. Normally, for the record, I am the caretaker. I always know whether she has eaten, what she ate, if she took her prilosec and what she is doing at any given moment. I have completely lost my ability to be the caretaker.

She didn't cry because she was hurt or angry (which she is), she cried because it is one more way she can't be with me. I tried to explain that every big thing I have done in my life, I have done alone. I have birthed two out of the three babies by myself (stupid wasn't there except for the last two hours on each.) I graduated from boot camp by myself. I even came out to my parents by myself. After a while you just get used to it. But she is right, I shouldn't have to be alone during this and neither should she. This is the part that really, REALLY sucks.

In a fog...

2009-07-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

So, now I have had a whopping 5 hours of sleep and I feel almost human.

Mama called this morning and asked me if I slept. Why yes, I fell asleep at two and slept til 7. Then she said I should call her if I needed to talk. I still can't talk coherently about any of this. I keep repeating shit and I am sure my friends are all tired of hearing about it.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, because I kept thinking I didn't tell him goodbye. I told him he did a good job, and he was so strong, but I didn't tell him I would see him again. And, I can't get that image out of my head. I am 34 years old and I feel like a 9 year old, who just can't focus. What do I do about that?

How do you wrap your head around the fact that the man who has been your dad since you were two is gone? I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do. I told my Princess that he would be okay. My fairy princess (aka the cookie queen) cried like her heart was breaking. She is 5, he was her dat! How do I make that better for them? And what do I tell my son??? My daddy was the only full time male presence he had in his life.

This just sucks, and I wish I could wake up and it would all be done. How immature is that?

The end...

2009-06-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

My father passed away around 3:30 this morning. He is at peace, and my mama is resting. Thank you all for your prayers and concerns.

Becca

The nightmare continues...

2009-06-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't been on here since Saturday (I think.) My dad had emergency surgery Sunday morning.

They went in and found that he had a five centimeter ulceration on the front of his small intestine that blew out. They think that happened sometime Thursday or Friday night. They repaired that and had to remove the rest of the colon that they left, because when the small bowel ruptured it flooded the abdominal cavity and killed the rest of the healthy colon.

The doc's said at that point he has been living with the ulceration for many, many years and they don't know how there were no signs/symptoms.

Last night his blood pressure crashed several times and they could not get it under control. They transferred him to a larger hospital and began using meds to try and keep him out without affecting his blood pressure. He is on a ventilator.

When they got him to the new hospital, they discovered that he had formed a clot where the fork is to go down to the femoral arteries in the legs. This cut off circulation to his right leg and it had already started to become necrotic.

My mama's pastor specifically asked the surgeon what would happen if they left it, and he told both of them it would kill him. So, at 5:30 this evening they amputated my daddy's right leg above the knee (way above the knee.)

He came out of surgery at around 6:30, but as my mama says "How long can it take to cut off a man's leg?"

Daddy is still critical, but they have said that his blood pressure is better than it has been all weekend. I am asking for prayers that we will have kidney function by tomorrow. Right now they are estimating that there has been absolutely no function since Saturday evening. They are supposed to be starting dialysis this evening, once they get the second central line that they can dedicate to that in.

I know that I don't know you all very well, and that I have probably said too much. I am just so scared that he won't wake up, or that there will be another problem. I told C this morning, it feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Every time I wake up something else happens. Thank you for letting me talk about this here, because I am so tired and I am sure everyone else is tired of hearing about it.

Update...

2009-06-27T11:38:00.001-07:00

So, mama called a while ago and said that the stenosis site (where they sutured the two ends of the intestine back together is still holding. Daddy developed a hole next to where the jackson-pratt port was (that is a tube attached to the incision site), and so the port started leaking fluid.

She says that the surgeon says they won't do surgery right now, but will wait for the hole to close on its own. They are going to insert a pic line tomorrow so they can give him nutrients and do the blood work without having to stick him over and over again.

So, this appears to be a blessing and at least they won't have to take him back into surgery. @ The Mother, I know you understand all of what I just wrote. If it is worse than my mother is telling me please let me know. Sometimes she doesn't tell us all the bad news at once.

Right now, she says he will be in the hospital much longer than Monday b/c they have to wait for this to heal.

Thank you all for your prayers, and please keep my dad in your thoughts. I am going to see Mama later on and pick up her laundry so that she can have come clean clothes. Please pray for her too, she sounds as though she is on her last leg.

To all of my friends, please pray!

2009-06-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

This will be a short post, I have not posted on here about my dad out of respect for my mother, but he was diagnosed with colon cancer about a month ago.

He had surgery on Monday and last night started having what could be some really serious complications. He is having an emergency CT scan right now, and then they will tell my mom what they need to do next.

I am just asking for all of you to pray, I don't care what you believe in, just pray that my dad will make it through this. This man is larger than life to me, and I will be lost without him. I covet all your prayers. I will update as soon as I know something

FYI, not all professional dog handlers are this dumb!

2009-06-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

So, I finally figured out how to save most of the blogs that I read to a feed reader today. I know, I am slow, but I am still figuring out this blogging thing.

I used Google, mainly because I can get it at work and still get my fix, and Google downloads items from your local largest metropolitan area (St. Louis.)

When I went to Google to help C find her way to the doctor's office after a snafu on I-270 left her stranded on a bridge I noticed this announcement, Seven show dogs die after handler leaves them in van in Jefferson County. My heart just dropped.

One of the things I haven't talked about on this site is that my family raises and shows english bulldogs. I can't imagine the pain those dogs must have gone through prior to their death. I know that I shouldn't judge, I have travelled with 5 dogs at a time and it doesn't matter how tired I am, or that I have spent the last 13 hours on the road, the dogs come first! I would post a damn link to this, but I can't figure it out, if anyone out there can help me it would be greatly appreciated.

One of the dogs that died is the top-ranked female Akita in the nation and fourth-ranked over all. That may not mean anything to people who don't show dogs, but it is very, very important! First, even if it is a show dog, it is still (most of the time) a pet. My bullies (Lucy and Elrod) live in our home and we have raised both of them from the time they were babies. On top of that, total how much it costs to show a dog and how much the dog costs.

Most people don't actually make money showing dogs, most people show dogs because they love the dogs and they want to protect the breed that they love. I am just horribly saddened that the owners were not with their pets when they crossed the rainbow bridge, and I am horrified that this young woman appears to have been merely too lazy to move the dogs to a safe place. I live about 30 minutes from her, and on the night in question it never dropped below 85 degrees and the humidity was at nearly 100 percent.

My dogs don't have nearly the fur that the akita and the husky I saw pictures of, but no one leaves my girl (Lucy) outside for more than 10 minutes right now simply because of the danger of the heat. I know that there are handlers out there that will leave their dogs in the big trailers overnight, but they are plugged in and have access to air conditioning.

I almost didn't write about this tonight, but I wanted to remind everyone please take care of all your pets and your children. Don't leave them in a vehicle, they can't take it. The vet said it takes about 8 minutes for a dog to die of heat stroke, however, I know of bulldogs that have lived for upwards of 30 minutes before succumbing to the horrible heat. My heart hurts for these poor animals and their owners.

Governor Sanford (SC), We hardly knew ye...

2009-06-24T19:33:00.001-07:00

I'm baaaack! Bronchitis and pneumonia will not keep me down, no ma'am, it just might make me lose track of the political world for a little while!

Before Friday afternoon I had no idea who Governor Sanford was, but now I am all too well acquainted with him.

So, the short story apparently is that Governor Sanford, of South Carolina, left his office on Thursday of last week without his security staff and disappeared. He then left word with his Lt. Governor apparently Sunday or Monday that he was sorry for the confusion he had caused, and he was just hiking the appalachian trail.

Fast forward to this morning, where the esteemed governor was witnessed, by a member of the media, getting off a plane at the airport in Atlanta arriving from... Buenos Aires! What??

What made the Governor believe, even for a minute, that noone would see him leaving an airport terminal?

I was going to be exceedingly supportive of his wife for having the strength to not going to the podium with him for his walk of shame. However... it turns out she allowed everyone to believe that he WAS actually hiking the Appalachian Trail, when she knew where he was and had asked for a seperation two full weeks ago.

I really do feel bad for the Governor's family, because this could have been handled so much more easily. They could have simply made a joint announcement about their seperation and moved on. Instead, it seems as though this man may have had a temporary break with reality and unwittingly ruined his future aspirations toward higher political office.

Moving on to the next political scandal...I predict we have two weeks before the next bombshell drops.