tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2727636036765622622024-03-12T17:15:55.996-07:00Forever femmeBeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-38379098856518387872011-10-24T19:06:00.000-07:002011-10-24T19:16:37.241-07:00Happy Birthday!!Hi everybody, I know I've been gone for ten thousand years. I really don't have an explanation, well I do but it will take ten thousand more years and really... who has time for that. I don't.<br /><br />This is Happy Blog day!! Happy birthday to The Diva!! My sweet, darling, 17 year old girl! I love her so much, and I am so proud of her, and I am blessed to have been allowed to have been part of her life for the last 5 years.<br /><br />She has grown so much in the last 5 years, I wish I had a picture for every day of her life. I wish I had been there in the pictures where she is chubby-cheeked and smiling for all the world to see.<br /><br />I wish I had been there when my mother 'guilted' her 'new' granddaughter into smiling for the pictures she took days ago. I love the fact that she loves my mom and calls her 'Grammy' like she had grown up all her life with a Grammy. Y'all, I wish like hell I could put a brick on her head and keep her from growing any more. I know I can't stop it, but oh my... what it will be like in two and a half years when she has to go off to college and spread her wings and fly. I can't wait, and yet I'm scared to death.<br /><br />I know this has been a sappy post, but I wish everyone could see our beautiful girl. So pretty inside and out, all I could have ever wished for!! Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-70589738471909336732011-07-09T05:46:00.001-07:002011-07-09T06:00:33.344-07:00Times are changing...When I first started this blog, I told you all about my parents and myself. I told you about my children, my wife, my job, etc.<br /><br />Lately I have been loathe to talk about it. I don't know if it's just that everything that has gone on this year is scary for me, or if it is my continual reluctance to journal my feelings. I have always hated doing this, for me it seems to make things more real. As though I can ignore the issues if I just don't write them down.<br /><br />I am happy right now, happier than I have been in years in certain parts of my life. The part of my life I consider to be real has changed. I used to view my job as the thing that I could count on for sanity and stability, stop it... yes I know I work in a prison!! It was always the stabilizing factor, always there, never changing. <br /><br />In the last three months things have changed, first with the cancer scare, then with my mother, then with my job.<br /><br />I don't think I mentioned anywhere that Mama is now living down here near us, and working here too. I love being able to see her almost every day. I love that my brother is home. I love the acceptance they have shown Crys and me. It saddens me that it took 4 1/2 years to find this acceptance, but overall I am happy to have it.<br /><br />The job...ahhh, the job. When I took this job I naively felt that I could supervise anyone. OMG, I was so wrong. Also, I believed when I was promoted that it was their way of saying they believed in my ability to do the job. Now, I'm not so sure. After 7 months I sometimes feel that they just needed a body to fill a spot, and I was the only one they could find. I hate that. I hate losing my confidence in my ability to do the job and make the right decisions. I don't know why I feel this way. <br /><br />You know what I've learned though? The job does not define me. It is the thing that I have to go do so I can live the rest of my life!! Not that I am consistantly unhappy there, but on the days when I am I think "It's okay, I get to go home and live my real life in 8 hours." I don't know when or why it became important to me to seperate myself from corrections, but I am glad that I have. It makes it easier for me to let it all go as soon as I step out the front door.<br /><br />Have you ever felt this way??Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-14017614271674739012011-06-30T18:12:00.000-07:002011-06-30T18:22:55.576-07:00Two YearsIt has been two years today since my Daddy passed. I am still sad. Not everyday, but some days I wake up and think "I need to tell Daddy"... and then I realize I don't get to tell him anything because he is gone. I miss him, and some days it feels like it was just yesterday that he was here with us. <br /><br />I hate that my Mama is still so sad, but I believe I understand. I hate to hear people say "She'll get over it." Really? I mean really, would you get over losing your best friend? I don't think I would after 32 years.<br /><br />Things are better most days, but I still miss him. I grieve for the fact that he will never see his great grandbabies. I grieve for the fact that the first time my mother sat down to have dinner with my wife, he was not here. <br /><br />I believe that he is still here with us in our hearts, and that is how we breathe in and out every day and keep on moving. He would expect nothing less.<br /><br />"Life is about finding balance" - KNABeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-23952034672131163292011-06-18T10:06:00.000-07:002011-06-18T10:11:29.822-07:00Love the life you have...I used to tell Crys that I try to be content in wherever I find myself. I must say that in the last 4 months that has beein increasingly hard to do. I say all that to say this...<br /><br />When you wake up in the morning and you are comfortable in your skin, you are where you need to be. Even if you have to take vacation to get there, try to find it!! I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day that I go to work, I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day as a mom. But, I know that I am comfortable in my skin every single day in my relationship with my wife. Crys is the best friend I never knew I needed, and she gives me everything I could ever want. My life may not be normal compared to some people, but what is normal? Why would we ever want to go back to 'vanilla'?<br /><br />I love my wild, crazy, abnormal life!! Just my thought for the day!! :)Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-21442579333262393842011-06-04T17:49:00.000-07:002011-06-04T18:02:21.152-07:00So, what happened??I had surgery on the 20th, and they let me know Thursday that I was all clear. They took two pre-cancerous papillomas and a mass the size of a golf ball out of my left breast. Which begs the question, how can they take that much out and my breast is still the same size? I am now on a horrendous amount of antibiotics, because they believe that the two lumps they found under the nipple are infected lymph nodes. Then in six months I will have another mammogram and ultrasound. I seriously was really crazy by the time they told me because it took a long damn time!!
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<br />I am hopeful that this means the craziness is over in my house for a while. We are trying to move, spending time with the middle daughter who is home for the summer. I sure do wish she would stay.
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<br />Thank you to all my friends who spent the day with me, or called, or wrote to ask if I was alright, and a special thank you to Crys (my love, my wife) who held my hand and explained what they did over and over to a groggy crazy lady with too much anesthesia!! :)Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-59499976396015666822011-05-15T12:07:00.000-07:002011-05-15T12:27:53.329-07:00What are you scared of?I know what I am scared of. Some of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning know what I am scared of. <br /><br />I am scared of death. When my Daddy died, I kept thinking this can't really be happening. I believe in feelings. When someone tells me to pay attention to the hairs on the back of my neck, I believe them. I used to think that was crazy, but I have learned. I learned through Daddy's illness and death, that those feelings are real. When you know in your gut, that something bad is going to happen, believe it. <br /><br />It has been a long two years. I can't sleep, or maybe it is that I don't sleep. I wake up at all hours of the night, and then I am through. I hate that I can't really rest without the aid of chemicals. Don't worry, I don't take them often. I take a little white pill (ambien) maybe once or twice a month, and those are the only times that I really rest. <br /><br />I am getting ready to have surgery this Friday, to have two lumps removed from my left breast. And now... now I don't want to sleep. I think I have the pain tolerance to do this without the sedative. I am scared. I have cried for three days. I don't think I would be so scared if I didn't have this gut feeling, but I do. I learned, Oh my goodness have I learned, that we as humanity are not immortal. It doesn't stop me from praying, from hoping, from thinking that I am crazy. I wish to God, Goddess, whoever that I could be dreaming, but I don't think that will help. <br /><br />I have learned that none of our time here is infinite, and none of us know the time of our own ending. There is so much left to do, and yes you are probably all right, I am panicking for no reason. All I know is that I have this feeling, and I hate it, and I just want to be done with this now. I'm scared.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-40486780432493992802011-04-23T17:07:00.000-07:002011-04-23T17:22:49.459-07:00How do we teach our daughter's better?I went shopping with the Diva today for the prom dress. She is going with a boy as a friend only, which I appreciate because she is still going to have a good time without all the boyfriend pressure.<br /><br />What I really want to talk about though is the pressure that the Diva feels to be thin and pretty. To give you an idea, she is 5'3" and about 118 pounds. She fluctuates about 5 or 10 pounds, depending on when track season starts. Last year when looking for the perfect 8th grade dance dress she wore a size 4. This year for homecoming she still wore a size 4. Today we had to go up to a size 6. I seriously thought she was going to cry.<br /><br />We don't focus on looks in our house. I'm a big girl, but I've always been a big girl so this is all I know. I remember the pressure my mom and Mawmaw put on me to diet while I was growing up, and I hated every minute of it. We try to make sure (as best we are able) that the Diva eats 3 healthy meals a day and that she doesn't skip. If I don't watch her she will occasionally skip breakfast, and of course I don't know that she actually eats the lunch she takes to school. I believe her when she tells me she does.<br /><br />So my question is this, other than encouraging positive body image in our house, how do we keep her from worrying about her weight? Y'all should see her, she is so pretty. She is this tiny, petite little thing with an outstanding personality, but I hate for her to worry so about it. <br /><br />I know I think "what's the big deal between a 4 and a 6, at least it's not a twenty." The dress was by a different designer, but she is still fretting about it. I want her to grow up with a healthy body image, but short of locking her in her bedroom and taking away her tv and computer I don't know how to keep her from worrying. Then I worry, what a vicious cycle.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-43851884121497800302011-04-19T14:59:00.000-07:002011-04-19T15:15:15.660-07:00Ok... a post about "Sister Wives"How are you all doing? I thought we could have a light discussion about 'Sister Wives'. <br /><br />I don't watch very much reality television. We watch Amazing Race and So You Think You Can Dance, but we don't watch any (up to now) that involve people's supposed 'real' relationships.<br /><br />I was intrigued by Sister Wives to begin with just because it is unusual. Y'all understand, it's kind of like watching a train wreck. You just can't look away.<br /><br />I was really impressed by the format of the show, it's not at all like other 'relationship' based reality shows with the constant fighting and arguing. There is no screaming, and they all seem to be very in tune with their needs and the needs of their kids.<br /><br />We were discussing bizarre behavior that people exhibit while I was at work today, and I said "basically you can do what you want in your own home, as long as you don't attract undue attention by buying large amounts of weapons (just an example), or punishing your wife and children outside your home." So I ask, do you all think that all of the attention being given to the 'legality' of sister wives Kody Brown is brought about because he is on television showing off his lifestyle, or do you think someone would have eventually made life difficult for them all either way?<br /><br />I don't know how I feel about it. I am a tolerant individual, and I pretty much don't care what you do in your home as long as it is not forced on me. Technically speaking Kody is not breaking any laws, he is only legally married to one of the women. My point here, I guess, is that if it works for their family and the females involved were all consenting adults then what business is it of anyone elses? Is it any different than enjoying a polyamorous lifestyle, with a little religion thrown in on the side?<br /><br />And can I just say, I find their honesty about their issues to be refreshing. I find the hierarchy interesting, kind of like watching a sociology experiment gone viral. What are your thoughts?Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-63306782669029385182011-04-11T18:45:00.000-07:002011-04-11T18:57:04.180-07:00National Crime Victim's recognition weekI am no longer a victim, I am forever more a survivor. <br />I have survived my past, grown, and am constantly moving forward.<br />Even if I have saved no one else, I saved my last child. <br />She will (hopefully) never know the pain of a violent home.<br />If you have friends who are suffering...<br /><br />Don't give up! Please, I know there were friends who tried to help me.<br />When your friend is tired of the shit, tired of lying to her or himself...<br />When they are tired of the constant fear, knowing you are there will be a blessing.<br />Be there for them. If you are living with violence now, then get help.<br />Know that it won't last forever. Know that in the end, you make the decision.<br /><br />The decision whether to live or die in the violence you survive in daily.<br /> Get out, save yourself and your children (even if they don't exist yet!)<br />It will be the hardest, best choice you have ever made!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-69942318420452945192011-03-10T17:07:00.000-08:002011-03-10T17:24:28.656-08:00Glee will probably save lives!Are you done laughing at my title? Good, now I'll explain.<br /><br />When I was a young person trying to make a decision about who I was deep down inside, there were no (really!!) role models that were gay. There were no acceptable gay people, there were only the people you heard about compared to pedophiles and sickos.<br /><br />I still remember 4 and 1/2 years ago when I was still trying to make a decision as to who I was as a 32 year old woman, there were very few people I could look to as responsible role models for this life. Sure there's Ellen, and while I love her, she is not enough on her own to help me decide what to do with my life.<br /><br />Last night when I watched Glee (yes, I watch and I loooovvvveee) I cried when Santana and Brittany sang with Gwyneth Paltrow. I cried harder when Santana cried. I was almost balling by the time she begged Brittany "I love you. Tell me you love me back, please!" The Diva said "I don't understand" when Santana was crying during the song. The reason she was crying is because she was scared and she didn't know what to do. I felt all those things a very short time ago when my beautiful C said "I love you, Tell me you love me. Please!!" I was scared and I pushed her away for about two weeks before I made my decision. I hurt her and I still feel guilt for that. But we are together, and I am forever blessed by her presence in my life.<br /><br />I say all that to say this, if Glee had been around when I was a teen I probably would never have married a man. I hate to be that blunt, but I know this is the life I was meant to live and there are times when I wholeheartedly wish C was the only one I had ever been with. We need to support our gay youth, and it has gotten so much better in certain places. It still needs to get better, but with continued shows like this and positive young people I have full faith that it will! <br /><br />Please continue to support any youth you know that may be going through this turmoil, I know I would have given anything for a comforting shoulder!!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-10505824236940810862011-02-01T13:40:00.000-08:002011-02-01T14:02:36.272-08:00The horror of new schools...So many of you know that my son, T, is bipolar with a side of adhd. I've talked about it a few times on this site, but mostly we just try to deal on a day by day basis. Anyway, T's issues are not the subject of today's torture with school, it's just to let you know that I believe our family has already been handed enough tricks.<br /><br />So today I called the Fairy Princess's school because she has been having some issues with her school work. I am not what you could call a helicopter parent. I don't hover, I tend to try to let them work their own issues out. But, when I get a paper where my first grader got a c on her reading because her words per minute score is not fast enough, I get a little bent. According to the world wide web, the average words per minute for a first grader is 50 to 70. Fairy Princess got a c for a 49 word per minute average. <br /><br />Why can't we all understand that all children learn at their own pace?? Why when I call the school, does the teacher tell me that I need to take my child to the pediatrician to ask why she isn't concentrating? I know you are all "Becca, just get past it, every child has issues", but I can't. I am listening to a teacher telling me that my youngest child is not concentrating, she loses her center time almost every day, and she does not ever complete her work.<br /><br />I have not been told by Fairy Princess's teachers in the last two years that she has problems concentrating. I admit I was frustrated by the amount of homework she has brought home, but I didn't ever know there was a problem with her concentration. Now, she loses her center time daily because she doesn't finish her seat work. When I ask what to do I am told to take her to the doctor to see about meds that could help with concentration. WTF????? I don't want to do this with another child. I don't want her to have a problem, I don't want this life for her. It is so hard, and I am sooooo tired of having to deal with all of these issues everyday. <br /><br />So, I ask, am I overreacting? Did we have this problem all along, and nobody told me? Have I failed my another one of my children by not noticing a problem fast enough? Sincerely, Becca the tired and frustrated!!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-32853351777309696052011-01-20T15:24:00.000-08:002011-01-20T15:34:27.089-08:00The Fairy Princess has found her temper!!So I often tell the story of how happy the Fairy Princess is. She is the youngest of 4 children and she frequently has to go along to get along. I just thought that every youngest child was this way, but I am told by my friends that this is not often so. <br /><br />On to my story... The Fairy Princess is now going through her terrible two's. Now some of you may remember, she just turned 7. Not two people, s.e.v.e.n!!! How do you find the terrible two's at the age of 7? I love the baby, we all do, she is normally just a giant ball of sunshine. But she turned 7, and the next day, the demon child appeared. She has now decided that it is perfectly alright to scream, cry and stomp her feet. Today C put her in the corner, and then sent her to her room to clean it. I came home, room is still not clean, back to the corner she went. <br /><br />It really is kind of funny, but at the same time, C and I are both like WTF???? Where did this child come from, and can we please have the happy Princess Fairy back???<br /><br />BTW, Let me know if you see a 7 year old wandering down the highway with her thumb out. It might be the original Fairy Princess who has lost her way!!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-22167445672619210192011-01-10T19:39:00.000-08:002011-01-10T19:53:57.978-08:00All moved in, now why can't I get comfortable??I know the answer to the question by the way, it takes a long time to get comfortable. I wasn't comfortable at my last prison over night, and it won't happen over night here either. But, to all of you who read my site, it would be really nice if someone has some words of wisdom or comfort that isn't "Oh Becca, you're so smart, you'll fit just fine."<br /><br />Anyway, we are officiallyh moved in and I am still really tired, and the internet connection in this house sucks the life out of me every time I move a different direction!! <br /><br />I am still trying to get used to work, my children are now alllll in school. I say that because the Diva has apparently been missing a required immunization for 6 years and Mississippi County caught it. Not 6 months, but 6 years people. So, she didn't get to start for a week after T. The Fairy Princess started today too, and she had the most awful day (according to the 6 year old) in her whole life... <br /><br />So, I had a slight meltdown and told them that I couldn't handle hearing any more complaints about us moving down to bfe, and that if we could just all please suck it up I would be incredibly happy. So, the worst mother in the world award goes to yours truly!<br /><br />Hopefully I'll find my sanity soon, because I need to just feel normal again and this going round and round in my own head is making me tired. Oh so tired.....Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-71915821844147650782010-12-19T06:21:00.000-08:002010-12-19T06:33:54.906-08:00Busy, busy, busy...Ok, so I know I haven't been here in a long damn time. Here's my list of excuses...<br /><br />1. I am busier than crap now that I got promoted.<br />2. I don't have a real computer where I am staying.<br />3. I was too worried about all the stuff going to really post honestly about it!!<br /><br />Anyway, now the good news! C got the transfer to my new institution. Yeah!! And, she gets to keep her rank which was really, really important to her. Last night was her last night at our old institution, so I imagine she is nervous and worried about that, but she doesn't talk about it. We found a place to live that is bigger than a shoebox. Really you should have seen the place I was staying. Tiny doesn't adequately describe it. We are moving on Thursday and Friday which gives me three days (WTF?????) to pare down and pack everything we really want to take. I don't know why, but I really feel like we have been packrats for long enough, and now is the time to remedy the situation. My 3 kiddos that live here full time have school until Wednesday, so I know they are freaking out about everything too.<br /><br />The Diva broke up with the boyfriend, which led to an angry phone call and a couple of back-handed facebook posts to me, which really??? Why get involved in our kids business like that? They are 15 and 16, and it was their first boyfriend/girlfriend experience. They will be fine. Even if the other mother thought for sure everyone was going to get married and live happily ever after. Again, WTF?<br /><br />Also, KBear, my middle daughter who ran off to live in Texas with her Dad, is home for the Winter holiday. I am so happy to see her, but I want us to have a nice time, and I am worried as crap that she will use any excuse to fight with the Diva. Today we are going to my Aunt's house for our christmas with them, which means I lose a whole day of packing, but we don't see them very often so I just go with the flow.<br /><br />I will probably not post again until after the new year because we are going to be super-busy, and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done between now and then and OMG just breathe dammit!! Anyway, know that I am still reading all of your stuff, and thinking about you all everyday. Have a blessed winter season, no matter what you celebrate!! :)Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-74233143337381835062010-11-04T17:49:00.000-07:002010-11-04T17:54:02.602-07:00Is a lost follower bad?I've lost a follower. I don't know how that happened. I am always very happy to see that someone is following me, but I've had seven for a while now. Today when I rolled down on the screen, I only have six. What happened?<br /><br />Am I not posting enough? Do you think I finally irritated someone, because really how could I not ever have a troll but irritate someone enough to unfollow me? The first thing I thought of was that I must have made a bad comment on someone's site who I follow, but really that's not possible.<br /><br />I am very conscientious about my postings. I try to never post, or respond to a post when I am angry. I try to always put myself in that person's shoes, and think about how I would feel if someone said what I was thinking to me. Are you confused yet?? I am.<br /><br />Anyway, I know I really probably shouldn't worry about a lost follower but it makes me a little sad. :(Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-9634650719205340702010-10-30T16:47:00.000-07:002010-10-30T16:58:08.785-07:00Well, I found the brass ring, now what do I do with it?So, many of you know that I have been interviewing for a unit manager position in a prison for a while. To be exact, I have interviewed 5 times. According to C, who has interviewed 6 times for lieutenant, that is not very many times. According to my way of life (it really is all about me, right??), I should have been promoted about two interviews before now.<br /><br />I interviewed at a very large prison, in a tiny little town, in Southern Misery two weeks and 4 days ago. The assistant warden called me on Friday and asked if I would accept the position. Of course, I said YES!!!! :) If I were to say no, then all kinds of bad things could happen, which is to say no one would ever offer it again. Plus, for whatever reason, I really do want to work there. So now everyone at my prison knows, and everyone at that prison knows, and in about two weeks I have to appear for work.<br /><br />I am really, really, really damn excited to have the promotion. I cannot wait to learn and learn, and learn some more. But, I am also scared. This prison is about two and a half hours from where I currently live, and C is up for promotion here on the 9th of November. I really, really, really want her to get promoted. She deserves it, and she will make a damn fine lieutenant. But...if she gets the job up here, then our cozy little family of five, plus three dogs, is split for a while. Then we have to live in two seperate places until one or the other can transfer (at least 6 months.)<br /><br />If I stay down there and then someone up here retires, I could lateral back up here, and then we wouldn't have to move the kids. Or she can do a hardship transfer down there in six months. So, needless to say, there are tons upon tons of decisions to be made. But for now... I am FINALLY a Unit Manager!! Yippeeeeeee!! It only took 5 interviews and 1 and 1/2 years of being eligible, and I got it!! <br /><br />The other scary part??? They will now expect me to supervise people!!! :)Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-88989992850468411782010-10-11T05:39:00.000-07:002010-10-11T06:01:37.374-07:00Where did you go?Let's pretend I went on a wonderful vacation to the Irish Sea. Let's pretend that I haven't spent the last month staring at my computer screen, and knowing that there is stuff that I want to post and just haven't.<br /><br />I don't know about you all, but I get tired. Tired, overworked, frustrated, etc. Frustrated with all the little things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix many of those little things, so I crawl into a hole and pretend that those little things don't exist. When I am forced to confront them, it just makes me sad.<br /><br />Sad that I don't know whether my 12 year old still likes monkeys, and sad that unless I call her she won't talk to me. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she thinks about me if I don't call. No matter how many people tell me I've done nothing wrong. I didn't hurt her, I cared for her the best I possibly could. That doesn't matter because in my heart I ask that question every day. What could I have possibly done that made her not want to live here anymore?<br /><br />Did my choice to live my life with my partner push her away? Was it the fact that The Diva and The Fairy Princess have medical issues, and T had a breakdown? Did we not pay enough attention? We all make choices. As mothers, fathers, caretakers we make choices about the lives our children live. Did I decide for her too many times??<br /><br />There are things I don't regret. I do not regret letting her go. I do not regret the lack of screaming in my house. I do not regret The Princess Fairy being happy. I do not regret the time I spend worrying about her. <br /><br />I just wish it could have been different.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-9477530650821279712010-09-11T14:20:00.000-07:002010-09-11T14:22:43.877-07:00Welcome to We Are Muslim | We Are Muslim<a href="http://www.wearemuslim.net/2010/09/welcome-to-we-are-muslim/">Welcome to We Are Muslim We Are Muslim</a>: "<a href="http://www.wearemuslim.net/"><img src="http://www.wearemuslim.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/salaam-200.jpg" /></a>"<br /><br /><br />I'd like to throw out a big thanks to Avitable for coming up with this site!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-43755342132305560122010-09-10T19:37:00.000-07:002010-09-10T19:56:34.744-07:00Really, still no equal rights for LGBT????I was going to write a post about how Don't ask Don't Tell has finally been declared unconstitutional, and how wonderful that is, but then C brought up the fact that we (as a couple, and as individuals) are still not being given equal rights on a daily basis. In fact, she had been thinking about her own blog post, but I asked and she doesn't feel ready, or just won't, or whatever. So here goes, I hope I can do her thoughts justice!<br /><br />We've always known DADT is unconstitutional. Even when C and I were both in the military, we knew. Neither of us were OUT then, and we both were trying so hard to live in the roles we were born in to. However, now we both know in our hearts the other pieces of our lives that are unconstitutional.<br /><br />We have no protection as a couple, or as individual citizens under the law in our state. If you look at it and bend the glass a bit, our not being allowed to marry is also a violation of our first amendment rights. We, unlike other Americans, are not allowed the freedom of expression that others enjoy. We would love to freely express the depth of our love together by marrying. I do not look at marriage as a religious contract, but rather a civil contract. After all, we would then be protected at hospitals, when we try to adopt, and on our death beds.<br /><br />No one would be able to keep her from me if I were dying, and vice versa. Let me tell you, right now that is one of the things that scares me most. If I am gone, no judge will tell her she can keep the two children who still live with us. If she is gone, no one will be able to stop her crazy-ass mother from coming down here to get The Diva.<br /><br />And yet...we work for the State. We can't hold hands in public (in most places), we can't get married, for God's sake we can't even smoke in a restaraunt!! That last part is meant lightly, but think about it. I often think about the fact that they will legalize marijuana, shortly after they outlaw smoking in public.<br /><br />We uphold the laws of the State of Misery, we protect the people of this state from those they would all remain seperate from, and yet there is no protection for us. I am not allowed to use the size of our family to qualify for any services whatsoever, because we are not one unit under the law. And yet, when I tried to qualify my children for reduced lunch fees, we were counted as one unit, and suddenly made too much money!! I can't qualify for family status on my benefits at work, and heaven help me, if she were killed while working (or vice versa) they wouldn't give us administrative leave to attend the other's funeral because we are not legally wed. People I know think that I am too serious about this, but I simply ask what if you were suddenly told you couldn't marry because your potential heterosexual partner was of a different race, ethnic group, or religion? I bet you'd take it just as seriously.<br /><br />So, we keep fighting, I will continue to bring this topic to light at work, and we keep working to protect the citizens of the State Of Misery!!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-88545836609085842292010-09-07T19:30:00.000-07:002010-09-07T19:45:36.295-07:00Feminine or Masculine?So, C and I were talking the other day about how we were feeling. Both of us have been a little down and out, with K's birthday tomorrow (the child in Texas) and other life events. C said that when she is feeling needy, or like she hates her body, etc. that makes her feel feminine. And so I asked (in my wise verbal judo corrections voice) "Is that a bad thing?" And she said yes. She doesn't like to feel feminine because it makes her feel weak, and that is always bad.<br /><br />I thought about that for a while because I am not hardly ever masculine. I am dominant in many, many ways. I am sometimes (ok mostly) aggressive, almost always abrupt, and yet I am still rarely masculine. I like that I am feminine, it is the part of me that I most enjoy. For me feminine doesn't mean I always wear makeup (ok, hardly ever) or skirts and heels, it just is who I am.<br /><br />To me being feminine is the epitomy of who I am, who I most want to be. I want to be able to be soft, kind, fair... all of those things that word makes me think of. I've never viewed it as being weak. I know she wasn't downgrading me for being feminine, after all it is not always about me. But still I'm left wondering, why does feminine to her signal weakness?<br /><br />Does it mean she has to ask for help, or that she needs me to reassure her that I am still here, still interested in her? I know you all know those people, the ones who in an offhand way will ask "Who is the guy in the relationship?" She is not a guy, thank the Goddess!! She is this wonderfully strong, beautiful, vibrant woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But, if I think about her in relation to me, she is kind of masculine. I view her as my protector, she is the only person I am ever submissive with. I love when we go out and she wears the tie or the suspenders with the fedora, and this lovely blue silk shirt, but even then she always wears her hair down. She is not so butch that people would ever mistake her for a man, and I am fairly sure that we get our fair share of weird looks as people question the idea of two femmes being together.<br /><br />Trust me folks, she is NOT a femme. She would find that laughable, but I have seen her wear eyeliner. I guess my question is, what makes her masculine to my feminine? How did we find our perfect opposite in each other? How does it work out that I had to have someone stronger than myself to keep me sane, and she was right here at the right time? Am I the only one who asks these questions?Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-58388036816701825652010-08-29T06:08:00.000-07:002010-08-29T06:33:10.793-07:00Isolationism anyone?So, anyone who reads my blog knows that my son was diagnosed with bipolar depression this summer. We were at the counselor's office this week, and I was going through the pre-screening with her again, when she asked if anyone ever tested T for autism or asperger's. I told her no, he's never been tested for that, but I've been telling people since he was two that something was wrong.<br /><br />Not that there is anything 'wrong' per-se with my son. He is a beautiful boy, handsome, intelligent, strong, and kind (for the most part.) Then she went on to ask a whole bunch of questions about whether or not he was able to be soothed as an infant or even as a toddler. Whether he did flapping gestures, etc...<br /><br />Now, I know that he is bipolar. I feel strongly that that diagnosis is correct, but now I am left with a whole new set of questions. Why did nobody think of this earlier? Why couldn't I get anybody to listen to me when he was 2, 4, 6, 8, 10? Why did it take this long for somebody else to see what I see daily?<br /><br />The only reason I can see for this is isolationism. I am beginning to blame myself for this. I kept him out of organized sports until this year because I couldn't stand the constant pressure. He was/is supremely emotional. The slightest thing at 6, 8, and 10 made him cry or scream. Even in school, he has been the odd man out. He doesn't make friends easily and he gets picked on frequently. Kids, and teachers, think he is bizarre for the crying fits. For a long time, I didn't look for anyone to talk to about this, because I didn't want anyone to know.<br /><br />I've been looking for support groups for about a year now. The closest thing I've found is the parents meeting when we were doing the intensive outpatient therapy after his diagnosis. We don't have those meetings anymore, because he is just doing the counseling one-on-one now.<br /><br />Earlier this week, we had a manic episode. For those that don't know my son personally, a manic episode looks like an extremely pissed-off, rage filled kid. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours. This one was new, as it lasted approximately three days. T had a melt-down after practice on Tuesday and screamed at me, and another parent, in public. That hasn't happened in years, mostly because we were never in public together, aside from the grocery store. I told him, after he was calm, that he could not yell at me in public, because he is showing that he doesn't respect me at that moment. He apologized to me, he apologized to the other mom the next day. But all this leads back to isolationalism.<br /><br />People that don't know T, probably looked at him and thought "why can't that mom control her kid?" My answer: Come live in my shoes for a week, please! Except that I believe I've brought this on myself by not talking to people about it, or even allowing it to be seen.<br /><br />Please understand, I am not embarassed about my son. I am proud of the improvements he has made. I simply don't want people to judge him, or me, by what they see. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know who to talk to, and I really am tired of living in a box I apparently made all by myself. Any thoughts?Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-63218778759444981862010-08-22T06:34:00.000-07:002010-08-22T06:49:52.045-07:00I remember...*Warning*-This post may be upsetting for some.<br /><br /><br />I still remember what he looked like. I met him when I was in 6th grade. We moved to North Georgia, and started going to a new church. My parents met a couple that they believed were like them. Both couples worked, had three children, went to church everytime the doors were open. Surely they could be friends. And they were for a while.<br /><br />The summer of 7th grade, they invited us to their lake house. I don't know if my little sister went with us, I do remember my brother being there. I remember feeling like I was only there to babysit everyone's children. I remember desperately wanting people to like me, after all we weren't from the south, I certainly didn't sound like I was from the south.<br /><br />One day we were all out on the boat, my Dad, their Dad, and the kids. My Dad was driving the boat, their Dad was in the water trying to teach us how to water ski. For the record, I still don't know how to water ski and I have no interest in learning. I remember getting in the water, I remember him putting his arms around me. Then I remember him putting his hands in between my legs. I remember wondering with all the intelligence of any 13 year old girl, if he was supposed to be doing that. He said he liked me, that I was really pretty and I was very smart.<br /><br />I remember telling my parents after that weekend that I didn't want to go to their house anymore to babysit their kids. I remember him telling me to stay behind in my sunday school class after everyone else had left. I remember the dress Mama had bought me. It was the late 80's and those drop waisted dresses with the bubble skirts were really popular. My Mom had found one in pink with white dots. It felt like silk, and I never wore it again after he ran his hands down the front of it. Do you know that even if you don't like what someone is doing, and you are scared to death, your body will still react? I hated my body for years for that reaction.<br /><br />I remember this man was the first to make me feel like my body betrayed me, like I was dirty and bad. He was not the last. FYI...I don't go to counseling, I've never told my parents what he did. It doesn't matter now, it was 21 years ago. If I knew any of you IRL, I probably wouldn't be writing this now. But, this is my safe place, and it's time I let some of this out of my brain.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-41598201547656149532010-07-13T19:49:00.000-07:002010-07-13T20:24:13.081-07:00Don't you want to lose weight??Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence! I don't say a lot at this blog about it, but I am a big girl. I weigh 200+ pounds. I haven't been less than 200 pounds since the birth of my second child.<br /><br /><br /><br />As a teenager, my mawmaw and my mama (grandma and mom for non-southerners), spent a great deal of time pressuring me into dieting. I always felt conspicuous, never fitting in with a family of skinnies. Now mind you, my biological family on my birth-father's side are very large people. All of them. Noone weighs under 200 pounds, nor have they ever given it much thought. But that didn't stop my mawmaw and my mama. I could tell you of diets where I ate one piece of toast with half a tablespoon of peanut butter and v-8 juice with wheat germ for breakfast. I could tell you of times that my Mawmaw told me I had to be careful, because fat girls smell worse than skinnies.<br /><br /><br /><br />About a year ago, I started following a blogger called The Rotund. She was talking about something called Fat Acceptance. I had never thought about fat acceptance before, I just knew I was tired of the yo-yo. I was tired of always putting myself beneath someone else simply because they weighed less than me. After all, in a letter designed to make up with me, my ex-husband said "It doesn't bother me that you are so heavy, I just wish it bothered you more." As though I was just lazy. As though I sat on my ass in front of the couch every day eating ice cream and cooking meals designed to make us all fat. So, when I found this blogger, I was intrigued. I pondered how I felt about my fat. And finally, I decided I would claim it. This is me world, all of me!!<br /><br /><br /><br />I am healthy, I no longer know exactly what I weigh at any given point. I don't really worry about it. I know that if I go to any number of doctors they will tell me I am morbidly obese, that 200 plus pounds should never fit on my 5 foot 3 inch frame. I listen to people at work obsess over their weight on a daily basis. They have recently started another (yes there is more than one) weight loss competition. I work in corrections, and we are all about the competition at work. I feel the looks of the people that I work with, as they decide what they will or will not eat today. And you know what? Most of the time I don't worry about their thoughts, although with my obsessive thoughts I do think about it more than I want to. What made me think about this today was my friend asking "Can I rub your belly for luck?"<br /><br /><br /><br />For the record, no you cannot rub my belly for luck!! I am not your personal buddha, and my size 20 jeans are looser than they've been in months. I like it when my wife says I have 'kickin' curves. I love the fact that my babies can pillow their blessed little heads on my soft, droopy boobs and comfort themselves. I love my body for giving me three healthy children. I love my body for being here when I need it. Defensive Tactics rocks, thank you very much!!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-83293436449850064822010-07-09T15:30:00.000-07:002010-07-09T15:32:55.566-07:00Nothing happening here...nothing at all!I totally have nothing to say. Nothing good, nothing bad...just nothing. I'm just here. I wish I were on a beach somewhere, with my wife, drinking a peach daquiri. Doesn't that sound nice?? I'm just sayin...<br /><br />Where would you like to go? If you could go anywhere at all with no cost...Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-272763603676562262.post-47227421397658358292010-07-06T19:49:00.000-07:002010-07-06T20:05:59.540-07:00What did you do on vacation???For years now I have wanted to take a real vacation, one where I got to leave the house and go to some exotic locale (Edisto Island, anyone??) but alas it just wasn't meant to be. I haven't had a vacation (that didn't involve a death) in 3 years.<br /><br />So, this year I had plenty of time on the books, and I went on vacation. Ten whole days off with no work and no responsibilities, and no time limits, right?? WRONG!!<br /><br />For my whole work week, I got up at 6:15 every morning to take The Diva to summer school. She was taking health so that it didn't interfere with her women's choir and concert choir schedule during the school year. Then on Monday and Thursday, I took T in the evening to his therapy meeting. And, on Wednesday...I went to work. I know, I was supposed to be resting. But, the trainer for my dog classes just had surgery a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with my offenders.<br /><br />And while all of this may leave you all shaking your heads, it was actually quite relaxing for me. C and I didn't talk about work, for the most part. I took lots of naps, read a few books, and watched a lot of TV. I also watered the plants, played with the kiddos, and played with my own puppies. I tried to spend time soaking in the peace and calm in my house without being bored out of my skull. Normally, after just two days off I end up pacing the house trying to find any excuse to go to work. Not this time...I was actually sad to leave my house this morning, I just wanted to go back home.<br /><br />Is this what domestic tranquility means for me??? I wonder if I could just stay home permanently? I'm sure I would be bored after a while. For those of you that don't work outside the home, how do you do it? I mean really, if I quit, we would make approximately 29,000/year with 4 kids and 3 dogs, and three children with extreme medical bills. It worries me, any ideas??Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11506653506780986151noreply@blogger.com3