Monday, October 11, 2010

Where did you go?

Let's pretend I went on a wonderful vacation to the Irish Sea. Let's pretend that I haven't spent the last month staring at my computer screen, and knowing that there is stuff that I want to post and just haven't.

I don't know about you all, but I get tired. Tired, overworked, frustrated, etc. Frustrated with all the little things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix many of those little things, so I crawl into a hole and pretend that those little things don't exist. When I am forced to confront them, it just makes me sad.

Sad that I don't know whether my 12 year old still likes monkeys, and sad that unless I call her she won't talk to me. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she thinks about me if I don't call. No matter how many people tell me I've done nothing wrong. I didn't hurt her, I cared for her the best I possibly could. That doesn't matter because in my heart I ask that question every day. What could I have possibly done that made her not want to live here anymore?

Did my choice to live my life with my partner push her away? Was it the fact that The Diva and The Fairy Princess have medical issues, and T had a breakdown? Did we not pay enough attention? We all make choices. As mothers, fathers, caretakers we make choices about the lives our children live. Did I decide for her too many times??

There are things I don't regret. I do not regret letting her go. I do not regret the lack of screaming in my house. I do not regret The Princess Fairy being happy. I do not regret the time I spend worrying about her.

I just wish it could have been different.


  1. We can't stand between our kids and their lives, no matter how hard it hurts. You did the right thing.

  2. All normal missy. I went through the same thing when the not so vile teenager chose not to come back. Now, we have a great relationship. Back then: not so much.

  3. Ladies-thank you both very much. Deep down, I know these things are true, but somehow as a mother I just feel all messed up right now. Thank you again for listening.

  4. I text my Motherless. She doesn't respond. I read through our old texts. Some of them over a year old. Some of them so sweet... and some of them so truly ugly I can't believe they came from my little girl.

    I remember her as a babygirl lying on my chest matching my breathing with hers, and I fucking CRAVE to smell her head again.

    Some days, it feels like I just cannot go on another minute not knowing... just... not... knowing...

    She texted me last week... "I need pads."

    I am at the store. Delighted to be buying my daughter pads. Because I might see her. To drop off pads.

    Then, in front of the sea of feminine hygiene products it hits me... I don't know what pads she uses. And I cry. I make it to my van, but I cry. LONG and HARD. I cry.

  5. @Elle-Oh honey, I know. Trust me, I know. I called the Princess for two solid weeks one time until she called. I was literally trying to decide whether to call the police when she finally called. She doesn't tell me stuff and when I ask, she brushes me off. I am sorry, I know how it hurts. :(