Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Don't you want to lose weight??

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence! I don't say a lot at this blog about it, but I am a big girl. I weigh 200+ pounds. I haven't been less than 200 pounds since the birth of my second child.

As a teenager, my mawmaw and my mama (grandma and mom for non-southerners), spent a great deal of time pressuring me into dieting. I always felt conspicuous, never fitting in with a family of skinnies. Now mind you, my biological family on my birth-father's side are very large people. All of them. Noone weighs under 200 pounds, nor have they ever given it much thought. But that didn't stop my mawmaw and my mama. I could tell you of diets where I ate one piece of toast with half a tablespoon of peanut butter and v-8 juice with wheat germ for breakfast. I could tell you of times that my Mawmaw told me I had to be careful, because fat girls smell worse than skinnies.

About a year ago, I started following a blogger called The Rotund. She was talking about something called Fat Acceptance. I had never thought about fat acceptance before, I just knew I was tired of the yo-yo. I was tired of always putting myself beneath someone else simply because they weighed less than me. After all, in a letter designed to make up with me, my ex-husband said "It doesn't bother me that you are so heavy, I just wish it bothered you more." As though I was just lazy. As though I sat on my ass in front of the couch every day eating ice cream and cooking meals designed to make us all fat. So, when I found this blogger, I was intrigued. I pondered how I felt about my fat. And finally, I decided I would claim it. This is me world, all of me!!

I am healthy, I no longer know exactly what I weigh at any given point. I don't really worry about it. I know that if I go to any number of doctors they will tell me I am morbidly obese, that 200 plus pounds should never fit on my 5 foot 3 inch frame. I listen to people at work obsess over their weight on a daily basis. They have recently started another (yes there is more than one) weight loss competition. I work in corrections, and we are all about the competition at work. I feel the looks of the people that I work with, as they decide what they will or will not eat today. And you know what? Most of the time I don't worry about their thoughts, although with my obsessive thoughts I do think about it more than I want to. What made me think about this today was my friend asking "Can I rub your belly for luck?"

For the record, no you cannot rub my belly for luck!! I am not your personal buddha, and my size 20 jeans are looser than they've been in months. I like it when my wife says I have 'kickin' curves. I love the fact that my babies can pillow their blessed little heads on my soft, droopy boobs and comfort themselves. I love my body for giving me three healthy children. I love my body for being here when I need it. Defensive Tactics rocks, thank you very much!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Nothing happening here...nothing at all!

I totally have nothing to say. Nothing good, nothing bad...just nothing. I'm just here. I wish I were on a beach somewhere, with my wife, drinking a peach daquiri. Doesn't that sound nice?? I'm just sayin...

Where would you like to go? If you could go anywhere at all with no cost...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What did you do on vacation???

For years now I have wanted to take a real vacation, one where I got to leave the house and go to some exotic locale (Edisto Island, anyone??) but alas it just wasn't meant to be. I haven't had a vacation (that didn't involve a death) in 3 years.

So, this year I had plenty of time on the books, and I went on vacation. Ten whole days off with no work and no responsibilities, and no time limits, right?? WRONG!!

For my whole work week, I got up at 6:15 every morning to take The Diva to summer school. She was taking health so that it didn't interfere with her women's choir and concert choir schedule during the school year. Then on Monday and Thursday, I took T in the evening to his therapy meeting. And, on Wednesday...I went to work. I know, I was supposed to be resting. But, the trainer for my dog classes just had surgery a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with my offenders.

And while all of this may leave you all shaking your heads, it was actually quite relaxing for me. C and I didn't talk about work, for the most part. I took lots of naps, read a few books, and watched a lot of TV. I also watered the plants, played with the kiddos, and played with my own puppies. I tried to spend time soaking in the peace and calm in my house without being bored out of my skull. Normally, after just two days off I end up pacing the house trying to find any excuse to go to work. Not this time...I was actually sad to leave my house this morning, I just wanted to go back home.

Is this what domestic tranquility means for me??? I wonder if I could just stay home permanently? I'm sure I would be bored after a while. For those of you that don't work outside the home, how do you do it? I mean really, if I quit, we would make approximately 29,000/year with 4 kids and 3 dogs, and three children with extreme medical bills. It worries me, any ideas??

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Is there someone to catch you if you fall?

Ok, so most people that know me know that I love So You Think You Can Dance. Mia Michaels is perhaps my favorite choreagrapher in my whole life. People that watch will understand when I say it is apparent she has had a hard life. Anyway, she said something after one of the dances yesterday that just really touched me. She said "It is such a blessing to be able to let go, be vulnerable enough and know that someone is there to catch you if you fall." Forgive me if I got part of that wrong, but you get my gist.

I consider myself blessed to be in the presence of my partner on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. I never felt safe before I met her. I had lived for 32 years knowing that I was not worthy of love, that I had invariably done something wrong long ago that made me unworthy. We have been together for 3 1/2 years now, and it took me two years to stop shying away from her when she put her hand on my face. It took a long time to quell the fear that I would do something wrong and she would leave. Now, after a lot of hard work, I understand that I am worthy of love. I have worth and value, not just for my brain, but for my soul.

I have learned that life is not fair. As my boss would say, "The fair is a place you take your pig", lol! I have learned that it is not always even-stevens. At times one of us is holding the other up, supporting the other, loving the other more than they are receiving. And beyond all else, I know she will catch me if I fall. This has enabled me to take huge risks, both personally and professionally. It helps me to trust her every day because I know I am there for her and she is here for me. I once wrote a list of 50 things I love about her, and at the top of my list is her strength and her heart. Anyone who knows a Marine will understand, they have to have the strength and heart of a lion. She has never given up, she will never give up. She tells me all the time, anything worth having is worth fighting every day for.

I just finished a movie (more like a documentary) called "Edie and Thea: A Very Long Engagement." I would encourage you all to see it. If you are straight or gay and don't believe in gay marriage, please watch this. These women spent almost 44 years together, and they are phenomenal! Watching these women look at each other with such love after 40 years gives me hope. There is such a tenderness and caring there, I wish all people could find that in their lives. I want to look at C like that when I'm almost 80, I want to see her grin and say "Loves Ya" when she is 82! I am happy that I know who will catch me when I fall, do you have someone to catch you??