Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Don't you want to lose weight??

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence! I don't say a lot at this blog about it, but I am a big girl. I weigh 200+ pounds. I haven't been less than 200 pounds since the birth of my second child.

As a teenager, my mawmaw and my mama (grandma and mom for non-southerners), spent a great deal of time pressuring me into dieting. I always felt conspicuous, never fitting in with a family of skinnies. Now mind you, my biological family on my birth-father's side are very large people. All of them. Noone weighs under 200 pounds, nor have they ever given it much thought. But that didn't stop my mawmaw and my mama. I could tell you of diets where I ate one piece of toast with half a tablespoon of peanut butter and v-8 juice with wheat germ for breakfast. I could tell you of times that my Mawmaw told me I had to be careful, because fat girls smell worse than skinnies.

About a year ago, I started following a blogger called The Rotund. She was talking about something called Fat Acceptance. I had never thought about fat acceptance before, I just knew I was tired of the yo-yo. I was tired of always putting myself beneath someone else simply because they weighed less than me. After all, in a letter designed to make up with me, my ex-husband said "It doesn't bother me that you are so heavy, I just wish it bothered you more." As though I was just lazy. As though I sat on my ass in front of the couch every day eating ice cream and cooking meals designed to make us all fat. So, when I found this blogger, I was intrigued. I pondered how I felt about my fat. And finally, I decided I would claim it. This is me world, all of me!!

I am healthy, I no longer know exactly what I weigh at any given point. I don't really worry about it. I know that if I go to any number of doctors they will tell me I am morbidly obese, that 200 plus pounds should never fit on my 5 foot 3 inch frame. I listen to people at work obsess over their weight on a daily basis. They have recently started another (yes there is more than one) weight loss competition. I work in corrections, and we are all about the competition at work. I feel the looks of the people that I work with, as they decide what they will or will not eat today. And you know what? Most of the time I don't worry about their thoughts, although with my obsessive thoughts I do think about it more than I want to. What made me think about this today was my friend asking "Can I rub your belly for luck?"

For the record, no you cannot rub my belly for luck!! I am not your personal buddha, and my size 20 jeans are looser than they've been in months. I like it when my wife says I have 'kickin' curves. I love the fact that my babies can pillow their blessed little heads on my soft, droopy boobs and comfort themselves. I love my body for giving me three healthy children. I love my body for being here when I need it. Defensive Tactics rocks, thank you very much!!


  1. Kudos.

    Regardless of our sizes, women (many women) in our society struggle daily with these thoughts.

    It is inspiring that you found peace inside your body.

    When I'm feeling particularly "fucked up" in the head, I too am reminded of what my body has given me. It makes so many other things feel very trivial.

  2. Excellent post. Definitely food for thought. Oh shit. Pardon the awful pun.


    Can I kick their butt for my own self gratification???

    Who says that?!! Jeesh. On another note, it's wonderful to see someone accept who they are with such fervor. As long as you are taking care of yourself, you're healthy and you feel good about yourself... I see no problem with this.

  4. I just found this today and thought of you:


  5. @Elle-Thanks!! Just because I say I'm okay with it today, doesn't mean every day is great. You are right in that what we go through to have our children makes everything else trivial.

    @Syd-Thanks, you're sooo funny!! :)

    @Faiqa- Really, she is a very good friend of mine, and I think she was just as embarassed as I was that it came out of her mouth.

    @The Mother-thanks, that is an outstanding article!! Who knew they wrote stuff about people who are overweight and lesbians, too cool!! :)

  6. Dude. Someone asked to rub your belly for luck? I would punch them in their damn face for being an asshole.

  7. I would be kicking asses and taking names....I'm impress that you have such restraint because really....I wouldn't be able to do it.

    You're beautiful, healthy and confident....tell them to take their salad and kiss your ass.