Monday, October 24, 2011

Happy Birthday!!

Hi everybody, I know I've been gone for ten thousand years. I really don't have an explanation, well I do but it will take ten thousand more years and really... who has time for that. I don't.

This is Happy Blog day!! Happy birthday to The Diva!! My sweet, darling, 17 year old girl! I love her so much, and I am so proud of her, and I am blessed to have been allowed to have been part of her life for the last 5 years.

She has grown so much in the last 5 years, I wish I had a picture for every day of her life. I wish I had been there in the pictures where she is chubby-cheeked and smiling for all the world to see.

I wish I had been there when my mother 'guilted' her 'new' granddaughter into smiling for the pictures she took days ago. I love the fact that she loves my mom and calls her 'Grammy' like she had grown up all her life with a Grammy. Y'all, I wish like hell I could put a brick on her head and keep her from growing any more. I know I can't stop it, but oh my... what it will be like in two and a half years when she has to go off to college and spread her wings and fly. I can't wait, and yet I'm scared to death.

I know this has been a sappy post, but I wish everyone could see our beautiful girl. So pretty inside and out, all I could have ever wished for!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Times are changing...

When I first started this blog, I told you all about my parents and myself. I told you about my children, my wife, my job, etc.

Lately I have been loathe to talk about it. I don't know if it's just that everything that has gone on this year is scary for me, or if it is my continual reluctance to journal my feelings. I have always hated doing this, for me it seems to make things more real. As though I can ignore the issues if I just don't write them down.

I am happy right now, happier than I have been in years in certain parts of my life. The part of my life I consider to be real has changed. I used to view my job as the thing that I could count on for sanity and stability, stop it... yes I know I work in a prison!! It was always the stabilizing factor, always there, never changing.

In the last three months things have changed, first with the cancer scare, then with my mother, then with my job.

I don't think I mentioned anywhere that Mama is now living down here near us, and working here too. I love being able to see her almost every day. I love that my brother is home. I love the acceptance they have shown Crys and me. It saddens me that it took 4 1/2 years to find this acceptance, but overall I am happy to have it.

The job...ahhh, the job. When I took this job I naively felt that I could supervise anyone. OMG, I was so wrong. Also, I believed when I was promoted that it was their way of saying they believed in my ability to do the job. Now, I'm not so sure. After 7 months I sometimes feel that they just needed a body to fill a spot, and I was the only one they could find. I hate that. I hate losing my confidence in my ability to do the job and make the right decisions. I don't know why I feel this way.

You know what I've learned though? The job does not define me. It is the thing that I have to go do so I can live the rest of my life!! Not that I am consistantly unhappy there, but on the days when I am I think "It's okay, I get to go home and live my real life in 8 hours." I don't know when or why it became important to me to seperate myself from corrections, but I am glad that I have. It makes it easier for me to let it all go as soon as I step out the front door.

Have you ever felt this way??

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Two Years

It has been two years today since my Daddy passed. I am still sad. Not everyday, but some days I wake up and think "I need to tell Daddy"... and then I realize I don't get to tell him anything because he is gone. I miss him, and some days it feels like it was just yesterday that he was here with us.

I hate that my Mama is still so sad, but I believe I understand. I hate to hear people say "She'll get over it." Really? I mean really, would you get over losing your best friend? I don't think I would after 32 years.

Things are better most days, but I still miss him. I grieve for the fact that he will never see his great grandbabies. I grieve for the fact that the first time my mother sat down to have dinner with my wife, he was not here.

I believe that he is still here with us in our hearts, and that is how we breathe in and out every day and keep on moving. He would expect nothing less.

"Life is about finding balance" - KNA

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Love the life you have...

I used to tell Crys that I try to be content in wherever I find myself. I must say that in the last 4 months that has beein increasingly hard to do. I say all that to say this...

When you wake up in the morning and you are comfortable in your skin, you are where you need to be. Even if you have to take vacation to get there, try to find it!! I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day that I go to work, I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day as a mom. But, I know that I am comfortable in my skin every single day in my relationship with my wife. Crys is the best friend I never knew I needed, and she gives me everything I could ever want. My life may not be normal compared to some people, but what is normal? Why would we ever want to go back to 'vanilla'?

I love my wild, crazy, abnormal life!! Just my thought for the day!! :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

So, what happened??

I had surgery on the 20th, and they let me know Thursday that I was all clear. They took two pre-cancerous papillomas and a mass the size of a golf ball out of my left breast. Which begs the question, how can they take that much out and my breast is still the same size? I am now on a horrendous amount of antibiotics, because they believe that the two lumps they found under the nipple are infected lymph nodes. Then in six months I will have another mammogram and ultrasound. I seriously was really crazy by the time they told me because it took a long damn time!!

I am hopeful that this means the craziness is over in my house for a while. We are trying to move, spending time with the middle daughter who is home for the summer. I sure do wish she would stay.

Thank you to all my friends who spent the day with me, or called, or wrote to ask if I was alright, and a special thank you to Crys (my love, my wife) who held my hand and explained what they did over and over to a groggy crazy lady with too much anesthesia!! :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

What are you scared of?

I know what I am scared of. Some of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning know what I am scared of.

I am scared of death. When my Daddy died, I kept thinking this can't really be happening. I believe in feelings. When someone tells me to pay attention to the hairs on the back of my neck, I believe them. I used to think that was crazy, but I have learned. I learned through Daddy's illness and death, that those feelings are real. When you know in your gut, that something bad is going to happen, believe it.

It has been a long two years. I can't sleep, or maybe it is that I don't sleep. I wake up at all hours of the night, and then I am through. I hate that I can't really rest without the aid of chemicals. Don't worry, I don't take them often. I take a little white pill (ambien) maybe once or twice a month, and those are the only times that I really rest.

I am getting ready to have surgery this Friday, to have two lumps removed from my left breast. And now... now I don't want to sleep. I think I have the pain tolerance to do this without the sedative. I am scared. I have cried for three days. I don't think I would be so scared if I didn't have this gut feeling, but I do. I learned, Oh my goodness have I learned, that we as humanity are not immortal. It doesn't stop me from praying, from hoping, from thinking that I am crazy. I wish to God, Goddess, whoever that I could be dreaming, but I don't think that will help.

I have learned that none of our time here is infinite, and none of us know the time of our own ending. There is so much left to do, and yes you are probably all right, I am panicking for no reason. All I know is that I have this feeling, and I hate it, and I just want to be done with this now. I'm scared.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

How do we teach our daughter's better?

I went shopping with the Diva today for the prom dress. She is going with a boy as a friend only, which I appreciate because she is still going to have a good time without all the boyfriend pressure.

What I really want to talk about though is the pressure that the Diva feels to be thin and pretty. To give you an idea, she is 5'3" and about 118 pounds. She fluctuates about 5 or 10 pounds, depending on when track season starts. Last year when looking for the perfect 8th grade dance dress she wore a size 4. This year for homecoming she still wore a size 4. Today we had to go up to a size 6. I seriously thought she was going to cry.

We don't focus on looks in our house. I'm a big girl, but I've always been a big girl so this is all I know. I remember the pressure my mom and Mawmaw put on me to diet while I was growing up, and I hated every minute of it. We try to make sure (as best we are able) that the Diva eats 3 healthy meals a day and that she doesn't skip. If I don't watch her she will occasionally skip breakfast, and of course I don't know that she actually eats the lunch she takes to school. I believe her when she tells me she does.

So my question is this, other than encouraging positive body image in our house, how do we keep her from worrying about her weight? Y'all should see her, she is so pretty. She is this tiny, petite little thing with an outstanding personality, but I hate for her to worry so about it.

I know I think "what's the big deal between a 4 and a 6, at least it's not a twenty." The dress was by a different designer, but she is still fretting about it. I want her to grow up with a healthy body image, but short of locking her in her bedroom and taking away her tv and computer I don't know how to keep her from worrying. Then I worry, what a vicious cycle.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ok... a post about "Sister Wives"

How are you all doing? I thought we could have a light discussion about 'Sister Wives'.

I don't watch very much reality television. We watch Amazing Race and So You Think You Can Dance, but we don't watch any (up to now) that involve people's supposed 'real' relationships.

I was intrigued by Sister Wives to begin with just because it is unusual. Y'all understand, it's kind of like watching a train wreck. You just can't look away.

I was really impressed by the format of the show, it's not at all like other 'relationship' based reality shows with the constant fighting and arguing. There is no screaming, and they all seem to be very in tune with their needs and the needs of their kids.

We were discussing bizarre behavior that people exhibit while I was at work today, and I said "basically you can do what you want in your own home, as long as you don't attract undue attention by buying large amounts of weapons (just an example), or punishing your wife and children outside your home." So I ask, do you all think that all of the attention being given to the 'legality' of sister wives Kody Brown is brought about because he is on television showing off his lifestyle, or do you think someone would have eventually made life difficult for them all either way?

I don't know how I feel about it. I am a tolerant individual, and I pretty much don't care what you do in your home as long as it is not forced on me. Technically speaking Kody is not breaking any laws, he is only legally married to one of the women. My point here, I guess, is that if it works for their family and the females involved were all consenting adults then what business is it of anyone elses? Is it any different than enjoying a polyamorous lifestyle, with a little religion thrown in on the side?

And can I just say, I find their honesty about their issues to be refreshing. I find the hierarchy interesting, kind of like watching a sociology experiment gone viral. What are your thoughts?

Monday, April 11, 2011

National Crime Victim's recognition week

I am no longer a victim, I am forever more a survivor.
I have survived my past, grown, and am constantly moving forward.
Even if I have saved no one else, I saved my last child.
She will (hopefully) never know the pain of a violent home.
If you have friends who are suffering...

Don't give up! Please, I know there were friends who tried to help me.
When your friend is tired of the shit, tired of lying to her or himself...
When they are tired of the constant fear, knowing you are there will be a blessing.
Be there for them. If you are living with violence now, then get help.
Know that it won't last forever. Know that in the end, you make the decision.

The decision whether to live or die in the violence you survive in daily.
Get out, save yourself and your children (even if they don't exist yet!)
It will be the hardest, best choice you have ever made!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Glee will probably save lives!

Are you done laughing at my title? Good, now I'll explain.

When I was a young person trying to make a decision about who I was deep down inside, there were no (really!!) role models that were gay. There were no acceptable gay people, there were only the people you heard about compared to pedophiles and sickos.

I still remember 4 and 1/2 years ago when I was still trying to make a decision as to who I was as a 32 year old woman, there were very few people I could look to as responsible role models for this life. Sure there's Ellen, and while I love her, she is not enough on her own to help me decide what to do with my life.

Last night when I watched Glee (yes, I watch and I loooovvvveee) I cried when Santana and Brittany sang with Gwyneth Paltrow. I cried harder when Santana cried. I was almost balling by the time she begged Brittany "I love you. Tell me you love me back, please!" The Diva said "I don't understand" when Santana was crying during the song. The reason she was crying is because she was scared and she didn't know what to do. I felt all those things a very short time ago when my beautiful C said "I love you, Tell me you love me. Please!!" I was scared and I pushed her away for about two weeks before I made my decision. I hurt her and I still feel guilt for that. But we are together, and I am forever blessed by her presence in my life.

I say all that to say this, if Glee had been around when I was a teen I probably would never have married a man. I hate to be that blunt, but I know this is the life I was meant to live and there are times when I wholeheartedly wish C was the only one I had ever been with. We need to support our gay youth, and it has gotten so much better in certain places. It still needs to get better, but with continued shows like this and positive young people I have full faith that it will!

Please continue to support any youth you know that may be going through this turmoil, I know I would have given anything for a comforting shoulder!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The horror of new schools...

So many of you know that my son, T, is bipolar with a side of adhd. I've talked about it a few times on this site, but mostly we just try to deal on a day by day basis. Anyway, T's issues are not the subject of today's torture with school, it's just to let you know that I believe our family has already been handed enough tricks.

So today I called the Fairy Princess's school because she has been having some issues with her school work. I am not what you could call a helicopter parent. I don't hover, I tend to try to let them work their own issues out. But, when I get a paper where my first grader got a c on her reading because her words per minute score is not fast enough, I get a little bent. According to the world wide web, the average words per minute for a first grader is 50 to 70. Fairy Princess got a c for a 49 word per minute average.

Why can't we all understand that all children learn at their own pace?? Why when I call the school, does the teacher tell me that I need to take my child to the pediatrician to ask why she isn't concentrating? I know you are all "Becca, just get past it, every child has issues", but I can't. I am listening to a teacher telling me that my youngest child is not concentrating, she loses her center time almost every day, and she does not ever complete her work.

I have not been told by Fairy Princess's teachers in the last two years that she has problems concentrating. I admit I was frustrated by the amount of homework she has brought home, but I didn't ever know there was a problem with her concentration. Now, she loses her center time daily because she doesn't finish her seat work. When I ask what to do I am told to take her to the doctor to see about meds that could help with concentration. WTF????? I don't want to do this with another child. I don't want her to have a problem, I don't want this life for her. It is so hard, and I am sooooo tired of having to deal with all of these issues everyday.

So, I ask, am I overreacting? Did we have this problem all along, and nobody told me? Have I failed my another one of my children by not noticing a problem fast enough? Sincerely, Becca the tired and frustrated!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Fairy Princess has found her temper!!

So I often tell the story of how happy the Fairy Princess is. She is the youngest of 4 children and she frequently has to go along to get along. I just thought that every youngest child was this way, but I am told by my friends that this is not often so.

On to my story... The Fairy Princess is now going through her terrible two's. Now some of you may remember, she just turned 7. Not two people, s.e.v.e.n!!! How do you find the terrible two's at the age of 7? I love the baby, we all do, she is normally just a giant ball of sunshine. But she turned 7, and the next day, the demon child appeared. She has now decided that it is perfectly alright to scream, cry and stomp her feet. Today C put her in the corner, and then sent her to her room to clean it. I came home, room is still not clean, back to the corner she went.

It really is kind of funny, but at the same time, C and I are both like WTF???? Where did this child come from, and can we please have the happy Princess Fairy back???

BTW, Let me know if you see a 7 year old wandering down the highway with her thumb out. It might be the original Fairy Princess who has lost her way!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

All moved in, now why can't I get comfortable??

I know the answer to the question by the way, it takes a long time to get comfortable. I wasn't comfortable at my last prison over night, and it won't happen over night here either. But, to all of you who read my site, it would be really nice if someone has some words of wisdom or comfort that isn't "Oh Becca, you're so smart, you'll fit just fine."

Anyway, we are officiallyh moved in and I am still really tired, and the internet connection in this house sucks the life out of me every time I move a different direction!!

I am still trying to get used to work, my children are now alllll in school. I say that because the Diva has apparently been missing a required immunization for 6 years and Mississippi County caught it. Not 6 months, but 6 years people. So, she didn't get to start for a week after T. The Fairy Princess started today too, and she had the most awful day (according to the 6 year old) in her whole life...

So, I had a slight meltdown and told them that I couldn't handle hearing any more complaints about us moving down to bfe, and that if we could just all please suck it up I would be incredibly happy. So, the worst mother in the world award goes to yours truly!

Hopefully I'll find my sanity soon, because I need to just feel normal again and this going round and round in my own head is making me tired. Oh so tired.....