Sunday, December 19, 2010

Busy, busy, busy...

Ok, so I know I haven't been here in a long damn time. Here's my list of excuses...

1. I am busier than crap now that I got promoted.
2. I don't have a real computer where I am staying.
3. I was too worried about all the stuff going to really post honestly about it!!

Anyway, now the good news! C got the transfer to my new institution. Yeah!! And, she gets to keep her rank which was really, really important to her. Last night was her last night at our old institution, so I imagine she is nervous and worried about that, but she doesn't talk about it. We found a place to live that is bigger than a shoebox. Really you should have seen the place I was staying. Tiny doesn't adequately describe it. We are moving on Thursday and Friday which gives me three days (WTF?????) to pare down and pack everything we really want to take. I don't know why, but I really feel like we have been packrats for long enough, and now is the time to remedy the situation. My 3 kiddos that live here full time have school until Wednesday, so I know they are freaking out about everything too.

The Diva broke up with the boyfriend, which led to an angry phone call and a couple of back-handed facebook posts to me, which really??? Why get involved in our kids business like that? They are 15 and 16, and it was their first boyfriend/girlfriend experience. They will be fine. Even if the other mother thought for sure everyone was going to get married and live happily ever after. Again, WTF?

Also, KBear, my middle daughter who ran off to live in Texas with her Dad, is home for the Winter holiday. I am so happy to see her, but I want us to have a nice time, and I am worried as crap that she will use any excuse to fight with the Diva. Today we are going to my Aunt's house for our christmas with them, which means I lose a whole day of packing, but we don't see them very often so I just go with the flow.

I will probably not post again until after the new year because we are going to be super-busy, and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done between now and then and OMG just breathe dammit!! Anyway, know that I am still reading all of your stuff, and thinking about you all everyday. Have a blessed winter season, no matter what you celebrate!! :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Is a lost follower bad?

I've lost a follower. I don't know how that happened. I am always very happy to see that someone is following me, but I've had seven for a while now. Today when I rolled down on the screen, I only have six. What happened?

Am I not posting enough? Do you think I finally irritated someone, because really how could I not ever have a troll but irritate someone enough to unfollow me? The first thing I thought of was that I must have made a bad comment on someone's site who I follow, but really that's not possible.

I am very conscientious about my postings. I try to never post, or respond to a post when I am angry. I try to always put myself in that person's shoes, and think about how I would feel if someone said what I was thinking to me. Are you confused yet?? I am.

Anyway, I know I really probably shouldn't worry about a lost follower but it makes me a little sad. :(

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Well, I found the brass ring, now what do I do with it?

So, many of you know that I have been interviewing for a unit manager position in a prison for a while. To be exact, I have interviewed 5 times. According to C, who has interviewed 6 times for lieutenant, that is not very many times. According to my way of life (it really is all about me, right??), I should have been promoted about two interviews before now.

I interviewed at a very large prison, in a tiny little town, in Southern Misery two weeks and 4 days ago. The assistant warden called me on Friday and asked if I would accept the position. Of course, I said YES!!!! :) If I were to say no, then all kinds of bad things could happen, which is to say no one would ever offer it again. Plus, for whatever reason, I really do want to work there. So now everyone at my prison knows, and everyone at that prison knows, and in about two weeks I have to appear for work.

I am really, really, really damn excited to have the promotion. I cannot wait to learn and learn, and learn some more. But, I am also scared. This prison is about two and a half hours from where I currently live, and C is up for promotion here on the 9th of November. I really, really, really want her to get promoted. She deserves it, and she will make a damn fine lieutenant. But...if she gets the job up here, then our cozy little family of five, plus three dogs, is split for a while. Then we have to live in two seperate places until one or the other can transfer (at least 6 months.)

If I stay down there and then someone up here retires, I could lateral back up here, and then we wouldn't have to move the kids. Or she can do a hardship transfer down there in six months. So, needless to say, there are tons upon tons of decisions to be made. But for now... I am FINALLY a Unit Manager!! Yippeeeeeee!! It only took 5 interviews and 1 and 1/2 years of being eligible, and I got it!!

The other scary part??? They will now expect me to supervise people!!! :)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Where did you go?

Let's pretend I went on a wonderful vacation to the Irish Sea. Let's pretend that I haven't spent the last month staring at my computer screen, and knowing that there is stuff that I want to post and just haven't.

I don't know about you all, but I get tired. Tired, overworked, frustrated, etc. Frustrated with all the little things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix many of those little things, so I crawl into a hole and pretend that those little things don't exist. When I am forced to confront them, it just makes me sad.

Sad that I don't know whether my 12 year old still likes monkeys, and sad that unless I call her she won't talk to me. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she thinks about me if I don't call. No matter how many people tell me I've done nothing wrong. I didn't hurt her, I cared for her the best I possibly could. That doesn't matter because in my heart I ask that question every day. What could I have possibly done that made her not want to live here anymore?

Did my choice to live my life with my partner push her away? Was it the fact that The Diva and The Fairy Princess have medical issues, and T had a breakdown? Did we not pay enough attention? We all make choices. As mothers, fathers, caretakers we make choices about the lives our children live. Did I decide for her too many times??

There are things I don't regret. I do not regret letting her go. I do not regret the lack of screaming in my house. I do not regret The Princess Fairy being happy. I do not regret the time I spend worrying about her.

I just wish it could have been different.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Friday, September 10, 2010

Really, still no equal rights for LGBT????

I was going to write a post about how Don't ask Don't Tell has finally been declared unconstitutional, and how wonderful that is, but then C brought up the fact that we (as a couple, and as individuals) are still not being given equal rights on a daily basis. In fact, she had been thinking about her own blog post, but I asked and she doesn't feel ready, or just won't, or whatever. So here goes, I hope I can do her thoughts justice!

We've always known DADT is unconstitutional. Even when C and I were both in the military, we knew. Neither of us were OUT then, and we both were trying so hard to live in the roles we were born in to. However, now we both know in our hearts the other pieces of our lives that are unconstitutional.

We have no protection as a couple, or as individual citizens under the law in our state. If you look at it and bend the glass a bit, our not being allowed to marry is also a violation of our first amendment rights. We, unlike other Americans, are not allowed the freedom of expression that others enjoy. We would love to freely express the depth of our love together by marrying. I do not look at marriage as a religious contract, but rather a civil contract. After all, we would then be protected at hospitals, when we try to adopt, and on our death beds.

No one would be able to keep her from me if I were dying, and vice versa. Let me tell you, right now that is one of the things that scares me most. If I am gone, no judge will tell her she can keep the two children who still live with us. If she is gone, no one will be able to stop her crazy-ass mother from coming down here to get The Diva.

And yet...we work for the State. We can't hold hands in public (in most places), we can't get married, for God's sake we can't even smoke in a restaraunt!! That last part is meant lightly, but think about it. I often think about the fact that they will legalize marijuana, shortly after they outlaw smoking in public.

We uphold the laws of the State of Misery, we protect the people of this state from those they would all remain seperate from, and yet there is no protection for us. I am not allowed to use the size of our family to qualify for any services whatsoever, because we are not one unit under the law. And yet, when I tried to qualify my children for reduced lunch fees, we were counted as one unit, and suddenly made too much money!! I can't qualify for family status on my benefits at work, and heaven help me, if she were killed while working (or vice versa) they wouldn't give us administrative leave to attend the other's funeral because we are not legally wed. People I know think that I am too serious about this, but I simply ask what if you were suddenly told you couldn't marry because your potential heterosexual partner was of a different race, ethnic group, or religion? I bet you'd take it just as seriously.

So, we keep fighting, I will continue to bring this topic to light at work, and we keep working to protect the citizens of the State Of Misery!!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Feminine or Masculine?

So, C and I were talking the other day about how we were feeling. Both of us have been a little down and out, with K's birthday tomorrow (the child in Texas) and other life events. C said that when she is feeling needy, or like she hates her body, etc. that makes her feel feminine. And so I asked (in my wise verbal judo corrections voice) "Is that a bad thing?" And she said yes. She doesn't like to feel feminine because it makes her feel weak, and that is always bad.

I thought about that for a while because I am not hardly ever masculine. I am dominant in many, many ways. I am sometimes (ok mostly) aggressive, almost always abrupt, and yet I am still rarely masculine. I like that I am feminine, it is the part of me that I most enjoy. For me feminine doesn't mean I always wear makeup (ok, hardly ever) or skirts and heels, it just is who I am.

To me being feminine is the epitomy of who I am, who I most want to be. I want to be able to be soft, kind, fair... all of those things that word makes me think of. I've never viewed it as being weak. I know she wasn't downgrading me for being feminine, after all it is not always about me. But still I'm left wondering, why does feminine to her signal weakness?

Does it mean she has to ask for help, or that she needs me to reassure her that I am still here, still interested in her? I know you all know those people, the ones who in an offhand way will ask "Who is the guy in the relationship?" She is not a guy, thank the Goddess!! She is this wonderfully strong, beautiful, vibrant woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But, if I think about her in relation to me, she is kind of masculine. I view her as my protector, she is the only person I am ever submissive with. I love when we go out and she wears the tie or the suspenders with the fedora, and this lovely blue silk shirt, but even then she always wears her hair down. She is not so butch that people would ever mistake her for a man, and I am fairly sure that we get our fair share of weird looks as people question the idea of two femmes being together.

Trust me folks, she is NOT a femme. She would find that laughable, but I have seen her wear eyeliner. I guess my question is, what makes her masculine to my feminine? How did we find our perfect opposite in each other? How does it work out that I had to have someone stronger than myself to keep me sane, and she was right here at the right time? Am I the only one who asks these questions?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Isolationism anyone?

So, anyone who reads my blog knows that my son was diagnosed with bipolar depression this summer. We were at the counselor's office this week, and I was going through the pre-screening with her again, when she asked if anyone ever tested T for autism or asperger's. I told her no, he's never been tested for that, but I've been telling people since he was two that something was wrong.

Not that there is anything 'wrong' per-se with my son. He is a beautiful boy, handsome, intelligent, strong, and kind (for the most part.) Then she went on to ask a whole bunch of questions about whether or not he was able to be soothed as an infant or even as a toddler. Whether he did flapping gestures, etc...

Now, I know that he is bipolar. I feel strongly that that diagnosis is correct, but now I am left with a whole new set of questions. Why did nobody think of this earlier? Why couldn't I get anybody to listen to me when he was 2, 4, 6, 8, 10? Why did it take this long for somebody else to see what I see daily?

The only reason I can see for this is isolationism. I am beginning to blame myself for this. I kept him out of organized sports until this year because I couldn't stand the constant pressure. He was/is supremely emotional. The slightest thing at 6, 8, and 10 made him cry or scream. Even in school, he has been the odd man out. He doesn't make friends easily and he gets picked on frequently. Kids, and teachers, think he is bizarre for the crying fits. For a long time, I didn't look for anyone to talk to about this, because I didn't want anyone to know.

I've been looking for support groups for about a year now. The closest thing I've found is the parents meeting when we were doing the intensive outpatient therapy after his diagnosis. We don't have those meetings anymore, because he is just doing the counseling one-on-one now.

Earlier this week, we had a manic episode. For those that don't know my son personally, a manic episode looks like an extremely pissed-off, rage filled kid. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours. This one was new, as it lasted approximately three days. T had a melt-down after practice on Tuesday and screamed at me, and another parent, in public. That hasn't happened in years, mostly because we were never in public together, aside from the grocery store. I told him, after he was calm, that he could not yell at me in public, because he is showing that he doesn't respect me at that moment. He apologized to me, he apologized to the other mom the next day. But all this leads back to isolationalism.

People that don't know T, probably looked at him and thought "why can't that mom control her kid?" My answer: Come live in my shoes for a week, please! Except that I believe I've brought this on myself by not talking to people about it, or even allowing it to be seen.

Please understand, I am not embarassed about my son. I am proud of the improvements he has made. I simply don't want people to judge him, or me, by what they see. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know who to talk to, and I really am tired of living in a box I apparently made all by myself. Any thoughts?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I remember...

*Warning*-This post may be upsetting for some.

I still remember what he looked like. I met him when I was in 6th grade. We moved to North Georgia, and started going to a new church. My parents met a couple that they believed were like them. Both couples worked, had three children, went to church everytime the doors were open. Surely they could be friends. And they were for a while.

The summer of 7th grade, they invited us to their lake house. I don't know if my little sister went with us, I do remember my brother being there. I remember feeling like I was only there to babysit everyone's children. I remember desperately wanting people to like me, after all we weren't from the south, I certainly didn't sound like I was from the south.

One day we were all out on the boat, my Dad, their Dad, and the kids. My Dad was driving the boat, their Dad was in the water trying to teach us how to water ski. For the record, I still don't know how to water ski and I have no interest in learning. I remember getting in the water, I remember him putting his arms around me. Then I remember him putting his hands in between my legs. I remember wondering with all the intelligence of any 13 year old girl, if he was supposed to be doing that. He said he liked me, that I was really pretty and I was very smart.

I remember telling my parents after that weekend that I didn't want to go to their house anymore to babysit their kids. I remember him telling me to stay behind in my sunday school class after everyone else had left. I remember the dress Mama had bought me. It was the late 80's and those drop waisted dresses with the bubble skirts were really popular. My Mom had found one in pink with white dots. It felt like silk, and I never wore it again after he ran his hands down the front of it. Do you know that even if you don't like what someone is doing, and you are scared to death, your body will still react? I hated my body for years for that reaction.

I remember this man was the first to make me feel like my body betrayed me, like I was dirty and bad. He was not the last. FYI...I don't go to counseling, I've never told my parents what he did. It doesn't matter now, it was 21 years ago. If I knew any of you IRL, I probably wouldn't be writing this now. But, this is my safe place, and it's time I let some of this out of my brain.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Don't you want to lose weight??

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence! I don't say a lot at this blog about it, but I am a big girl. I weigh 200+ pounds. I haven't been less than 200 pounds since the birth of my second child.

As a teenager, my mawmaw and my mama (grandma and mom for non-southerners), spent a great deal of time pressuring me into dieting. I always felt conspicuous, never fitting in with a family of skinnies. Now mind you, my biological family on my birth-father's side are very large people. All of them. Noone weighs under 200 pounds, nor have they ever given it much thought. But that didn't stop my mawmaw and my mama. I could tell you of diets where I ate one piece of toast with half a tablespoon of peanut butter and v-8 juice with wheat germ for breakfast. I could tell you of times that my Mawmaw told me I had to be careful, because fat girls smell worse than skinnies.

About a year ago, I started following a blogger called The Rotund. She was talking about something called Fat Acceptance. I had never thought about fat acceptance before, I just knew I was tired of the yo-yo. I was tired of always putting myself beneath someone else simply because they weighed less than me. After all, in a letter designed to make up with me, my ex-husband said "It doesn't bother me that you are so heavy, I just wish it bothered you more." As though I was just lazy. As though I sat on my ass in front of the couch every day eating ice cream and cooking meals designed to make us all fat. So, when I found this blogger, I was intrigued. I pondered how I felt about my fat. And finally, I decided I would claim it. This is me world, all of me!!

I am healthy, I no longer know exactly what I weigh at any given point. I don't really worry about it. I know that if I go to any number of doctors they will tell me I am morbidly obese, that 200 plus pounds should never fit on my 5 foot 3 inch frame. I listen to people at work obsess over their weight on a daily basis. They have recently started another (yes there is more than one) weight loss competition. I work in corrections, and we are all about the competition at work. I feel the looks of the people that I work with, as they decide what they will or will not eat today. And you know what? Most of the time I don't worry about their thoughts, although with my obsessive thoughts I do think about it more than I want to. What made me think about this today was my friend asking "Can I rub your belly for luck?"

For the record, no you cannot rub my belly for luck!! I am not your personal buddha, and my size 20 jeans are looser than they've been in months. I like it when my wife says I have 'kickin' curves. I love the fact that my babies can pillow their blessed little heads on my soft, droopy boobs and comfort themselves. I love my body for giving me three healthy children. I love my body for being here when I need it. Defensive Tactics rocks, thank you very much!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Nothing happening here...nothing at all!

I totally have nothing to say. Nothing good, nothing bad...just nothing. I'm just here. I wish I were on a beach somewhere, with my wife, drinking a peach daquiri. Doesn't that sound nice?? I'm just sayin...

Where would you like to go? If you could go anywhere at all with no cost...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What did you do on vacation???

For years now I have wanted to take a real vacation, one where I got to leave the house and go to some exotic locale (Edisto Island, anyone??) but alas it just wasn't meant to be. I haven't had a vacation (that didn't involve a death) in 3 years.

So, this year I had plenty of time on the books, and I went on vacation. Ten whole days off with no work and no responsibilities, and no time limits, right?? WRONG!!

For my whole work week, I got up at 6:15 every morning to take The Diva to summer school. She was taking health so that it didn't interfere with her women's choir and concert choir schedule during the school year. Then on Monday and Thursday, I took T in the evening to his therapy meeting. And, on Wednesday...I went to work. I know, I was supposed to be resting. But, the trainer for my dog classes just had surgery a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with my offenders.

And while all of this may leave you all shaking your heads, it was actually quite relaxing for me. C and I didn't talk about work, for the most part. I took lots of naps, read a few books, and watched a lot of TV. I also watered the plants, played with the kiddos, and played with my own puppies. I tried to spend time soaking in the peace and calm in my house without being bored out of my skull. Normally, after just two days off I end up pacing the house trying to find any excuse to go to work. Not this time...I was actually sad to leave my house this morning, I just wanted to go back home.

Is this what domestic tranquility means for me??? I wonder if I could just stay home permanently? I'm sure I would be bored after a while. For those of you that don't work outside the home, how do you do it? I mean really, if I quit, we would make approximately 29,000/year with 4 kids and 3 dogs, and three children with extreme medical bills. It worries me, any ideas??

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Is there someone to catch you if you fall?

Ok, so most people that know me know that I love So You Think You Can Dance. Mia Michaels is perhaps my favorite choreagrapher in my whole life. People that watch will understand when I say it is apparent she has had a hard life. Anyway, she said something after one of the dances yesterday that just really touched me. She said "It is such a blessing to be able to let go, be vulnerable enough and know that someone is there to catch you if you fall." Forgive me if I got part of that wrong, but you get my gist.

I consider myself blessed to be in the presence of my partner on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. I never felt safe before I met her. I had lived for 32 years knowing that I was not worthy of love, that I had invariably done something wrong long ago that made me unworthy. We have been together for 3 1/2 years now, and it took me two years to stop shying away from her when she put her hand on my face. It took a long time to quell the fear that I would do something wrong and she would leave. Now, after a lot of hard work, I understand that I am worthy of love. I have worth and value, not just for my brain, but for my soul.

I have learned that life is not fair. As my boss would say, "The fair is a place you take your pig", lol! I have learned that it is not always even-stevens. At times one of us is holding the other up, supporting the other, loving the other more than they are receiving. And beyond all else, I know she will catch me if I fall. This has enabled me to take huge risks, both personally and professionally. It helps me to trust her every day because I know I am there for her and she is here for me. I once wrote a list of 50 things I love about her, and at the top of my list is her strength and her heart. Anyone who knows a Marine will understand, they have to have the strength and heart of a lion. She has never given up, she will never give up. She tells me all the time, anything worth having is worth fighting every day for.

I just finished a movie (more like a documentary) called "Edie and Thea: A Very Long Engagement." I would encourage you all to see it. If you are straight or gay and don't believe in gay marriage, please watch this. These women spent almost 44 years together, and they are phenomenal! Watching these women look at each other with such love after 40 years gives me hope. There is such a tenderness and caring there, I wish all people could find that in their lives. I want to look at C like that when I'm almost 80, I want to see her grin and say "Loves Ya" when she is 82! I am happy that I know who will catch me when I fall, do you have someone to catch you??

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Why the Real L Word really SUCKS!!

Ok, so I watched the show last week and was not impressed. However, being the judgemental, hateful bitch that I can be I thought I'd give Ms. Chaiken another chance.

All that being said, this show totally blows!!! First scenario...One of the couples, Rose and Natalie, go out for their 7 month anniversary. While Natalie is definitely (maybe) wrong for bringing up babies and marriage this early, Rose definitely wins the douche award for saying "Cheers to my love, you are lucky you have it." WTF????? Ok, you are allowed to believe that you are lucky or blessed to be receiving the love of your partner, but you are most definitely not allowed to be hyper-obsessed with your worth on this planet!

Second scenario...Whitney goes out with what has to be her 5th partner in the second show, and then kisses her. Then later she is on the phone with the same girl, while all the while the girl who moved out to LA to be with her is sleeping in her bedroom. And, the kicker, she tells the girl on the phone that she doesn't have the willpower to not hit on her physically. Again W.T.F????? These are not the lesbians in my world.

The other problem I have is that they are all rich, powerful, ego-filled twits with no thoughts of anything but themselves! At least in the other L Word we could put aside their ego-filled b.s. and focus on the fact that it was fiction! There was a storyline, that was at times drama filled fluff, but at other times was very powerful and touching. I find it hard to believe that every lesbian in LA is successful, wealthy, and powerful. I think there are probably quite a few that are struggling to pay their bills, clothe their children, and work normal jobs every day. is my rant for the day. Eilleen you can suck it! I will no longer torment myself with this supposed "Real L Word." I had such high hopes... If you are a normal lesbian in LA, or even one of the successful ones, feel free to comment.

p.s. This is one of the primary reasons that the conservative right thinks we do nothing but sleep with all the girls we can find and drink all day long!!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pride Weekend, and why we didn't go...

So...this weekend is Pride weekend. It is something I look forward to all year long. I love being able to immerse myself in my community, hold hands with my wife on the street, and not worry about our safety. It has been my favorite thing to do since I came out, I love the parties, all the people, the crowds, all of it.

We are not going this year, again. I didn't get to go last year because I was at the hospital for 3 straight days before my Daddy died. It was horrible, awful and I swore that I would go to Pride this year, if only to forget for a few moments. Except that I can't forget. As we get closer to the anniversary, I just want to lay down in my bed and not move. I took the week off at work so I don't have to deal with staff or offenders, who are often unwittingly insensitive. They don't mean to be, but people forget about the important things in others lives.

We also can't go due to the financial situation in our household, and the situation with T. As we are still struggling to keep up with our bills, it seems irresponsible to go blow money that we don't have. And literally, we don't have it. We would just have to wander around and not spend money, which kind of ruins the whole thing.

As far as the situation with T goes...we still can't leave him here by himself with the girls. And, I don't really feel comfortable leaving him with friends. What if he has a meltdown? What if he goes ballistic and they don't know what to do to help him?? We had a meltdown this morning over the dishes, something he agreed to do today. He doesn't understand why he has to do them this early in the morning, and I want to be able to cook breakfast. Perfect setting for a meltdown, and nothing I say or do makes this any better either.'s not early! It's almost 10 am for crying out loud. I am being reminded weekly that we can't give in, we have to follow through, but I'm telling you sometimes these battles just suck. Never mind that sometimes it's hard to tell what is typical teenage behavior, and what is a symptom.

So...Happy Pride Weekend Everyone!! I want to be there, and am there in spirit. Hopefully next year will find me at the City Diner watching the Parade and ignoring the protestors!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

So much to say, so little time...

I haven't been here in about a month. I thought at first that I would just lay low for the month of June, as it is two weeks before the year anniversary of my Daddy's passing. But, I am here, and now I don't know the words to use.

T has been diagnosed bi-polar (finally, a diagnosis), and he has been working really hard on his counseling and therapy. We are going to let him play football in the fall, and he is really excited. I am hopeful that it will be one more step toward a stable life at home. Also, his room has been clean for 9 days now. 21 more and he can have his tv back, and he wants to get his ear pierced. We are learning to support and discipline, not simply support.

Among the other changes, my 11 year old has decided she would like to live with her father. I thought about this and prayed about this, and there is no easy answer. I will not make her stay, when she is obviously miserable. Also, I will not make everyone else in this household miserable by having to deal with her unhappiness.

And so... I write this, and while I know I overshare, I hope for your thoughts and kind words. I am heartbroken at the thought of losing my child, but I hope that she will find the place she needs to be.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Two children graduate tomorrow...I feel Ooooooold!

I am not going to talk about how I feel ancient today, no I am going to avoid the fact that I feel Ooooolld right now. No one ever told me that I was going to have one in eigth grade and one in kindergarden at the same time.

Tomorrow, the Diva (8th) and the Fairy Princess (K) graduate. They are both going to wear pretty dresses (only one of which I had to pay for) and pretty shoes, and do their hair. They are both going to sing (??) comes the ignorant part! The Diva (remember I said 8th) graduates at 9:00 am tomorrow. Why?? Because then they have a bowling party field trip after that. Again why?????? Oh yeah, so the Diva and the Boy (boy-friend??) could tell both sets of parents that they don't want to go bowling. Especially not in the new dress (yes, I bought another DAMN dress.) So, I guess they expect me to make her go sit in a classroom and watch a movie while all of her friends go to the stupid bowling alley (the same one that does not carry shoes in the Boy's size.) Well...that is not going to happen my friends. We are going to take her to lunch and give her flowers, and come home and nap.

Then, when the other three kiddos get off the bus, I will get up and re-bathe the Fairy Princess and do her hair and put her dress on. Then I will take her to her Kindergarten graduation at 6 pm. Personally, I think they did this whole mess backwards.

So, think of me tomorrow when I have to re-do my makeup to go to the second graduation of the day, where I will undoubtedly cry harder. And think of the Fairy Princess, who told me the other day that all she wanted for graduation was her Grandpa. We all still miss him so much, but it is hardest on the baby. I wait with baited breath for the next big step...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I survived the great dress search of 2010!

I am officially Superwoman, just so y'all know! I just spent the better part of 5 hours at two different malls and Davids Bridal (David can suck it!!) with 4 girls aged 15, 11, 9, and 6!!

So, I must be Superwoman, or I will have to admit I've fallen off the crazy train and need a straight jacket right.frickin'.now!! Anyway, after all of that we have a dress and shoes for the same price as the dress alone at David's Bridal (makes sense, the sucking, now doesn't it??) The Diva has tried on every pink dress Macy's has for sale this year, except the overly long obviously-prom dress types.

She finally found the same dress for $70 less, and decided that she really did like that dress after all.

So, I'm home with three girls and a boy and am going to turn in and take a much needed vicodin. No, I didn't lose a girl...she went back to her own house to sleep. I had traded T for a neighbor girl because he didn't want to go to the mall with 4 girls. I understand now why he didn't want to go...

Friday, April 30, 2010

JV Cheer Squad, here we come!!

The Diva made the jv cheer squad. I think she's happy, although her first comment was "I don't know why I didn't make varsity I caught the girl they dropped!"

We are officially entering a new era in our household. In a few short months we are going to be the parents of a high school cheerleader! Ack!! What will I do?? After wringing my hands in fear that I may never be home again next year, I have will be ok. I may never have any money ever again, but I will be ok. When I was filling out the paperwork for her to try out I may have skipped (ran) past the dollar signs attached, but now I am fully aware this will cost me an arm and a leg.

Will they give you $550 if you donate an arm and a leg to science?? Probably not, so my new plan is to start saving now and hope that she gets the summer job she is interviewing for at Six Flags.

Oh, and by the way, we also have a spring formal in two weeks and graduation (8th grade) a week after that. So, we need two dresses, a strapless bra and some rockin' shoes (for the spring formal of course!!)

Pray for me peeps, I'm off to find that bottle of Southern Comfort now. Oh wait...I have to pick her up from track practice tonight! How many things can she find to do before we are both overwhelmed??

Thursday, April 29, 2010

C really is a Vampire Princess!!!

So, C decided to go to the doctor as she has been sick (cough due to cold, anyone???) for a minute now. That is an offender minute by the way, not an irl minute, so it could last from 20 minutes to 49 years. Just so you know...

Anyway, the doc was concerned so he ordered blood tests and we got the results yesterday. She, my lovely wife, is... Vitamin D Deficient!! Apparently the numbers on an average human should run between 50 and 100. While C is hovering at 5.6. Not 46, but 5.6!! I have never even heard of someone being Vitamin D deficient, so I really never knew that it could make you sick. Like, really, really don't want to get out of bed, look like a truck ran over you sick. Apparently, that is exactly what happens.

So now she has to take some gel tab thing once a week for a helluva long time, and then we get to go back and re-draw her blood. By the why drawing her blood is like looking for a needle in a haystack, or something equally difficult. 3 years ago it took 5 chemo nurses 11 sticks for 9 tubes of blood just to find out she has some random clotting disorder. Fun stuff huh???

I am so looking forward to having to force her to take meds to fix this little issue...NOT!! And, the Doc says something bizarre about how she is not absorbing the Vitamin D from the sun like she is supposed to. Well duh...she works evenings. She sleeps in the afternoon, and rarely goes out before dark. Why would this be a problem??

So here's to the princess of darkness, the love of my life!! :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I want to change the world, at least my world...

The other day I read an article to C wherein the Lutheran Church has finally decided to accept us (teh gays, I mean really do they care about little ol' me??) the way we are. To the point where they will even reinstate people who they previously ousted because they were open and honest about their personal lives.

That got me to thinking... do I want to be accepted for who I am now?? I mean if they didn't want me or my kind then, then do I want to be a part of them now? I'm not trying to sound mean or cold hearted, but coming out was hard for me. It meant giving up some of the people I considered to be family, and understanding that my life would never be the same again. I'm not complaining, I am happier now than ever before in my life. I know, deep inside me, that I am where I am supposed to be. But it was hard. I had to tell C that I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it, and then I had to decide if I was strong enough to do it.

Then I had to tell my Mama and my Daddy. For those that don't know, I was raised Southern Baptist. You all surely know how hard this was, I can't imagine how hard it was for my parents to hear that I was going to "CHOOSE" to be different than I had been all my life. I came out three years ago in February at the age of 32.

Parts of me wish I had come out 15 years ago when I first had questions, but really didn't know. We teach our daughters that that part of themselves that we all term 'virginity' is sacred. It is special, something to be given only to someone you love with all your heart, mind and soul. Part of me wishes C had been that person, part of me feels sad that she wasn't the first and only I shared that with. But...if I hadn't been married to the EX, three of the kiddos wouldn't be here. And, if C hadn't been with her ex, the eldest wouldn't be here either. So, it's kind of a toss up.

I say all this to say that I want to be more involved in the LGBT community in my area. I want to prop them up, and shout from the rafters that I believe in this cause, I believe in US!! But, I really don't know how. I don't have extra money to give them. And, with four children, work, and Phoenix Flight I kind of run out of time to breathe. So... How do I do this?? How do I help them and all of us gain the acceptance the Lutheran's have graciously granted us from everyone else?? Clear as mud? I hope so!! :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Why are some things not as important??

So, being a good lesbian blogger (oh sorry, are you surprised??) I try to engage my partner whenever I can. When I see a good conversation starter I tell her about it, or ask her opinion. I have asked her several times recently because a friend of mine (Sasha) is a great conversation starter.

Sometimes if I want to leave a comment on another site that I think C might feel would compromise her (or our) privacy, I will ask her if it is okay. Most of the time she simply says she doesn't care. BUT... if I want to put pics up of our children, then she gets all bent about it. I guess that is what I don't understand. If it's okay for me to share intimate details about our personal lives with a person whom I consider a friend, but don't *know* in *real life*, then why is it not okay for me to share details about our children?? I don't really want to show their faces, but I think it would be cool to put certain things on this page.

I feel obligated to ask her,'s her life too, but I don't think I want to know the answer sometimes. She doesn't care about blogging in general, or mine in specific most times. I, on the other hand, feel like I've built some really good friendships (in a loose sense) out in the great wide web. Do you all ever have this issue?? How do you, *I*, resolve it? I can't force her to care about everything I do, because hello...I'm never going to care how a car goes together, but it would be nice if I could share this with her more often. Any thoughts???

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The dogs have graduated!!!

So, the Phoenix Flight Program has successfully graduated our first round of dogs!! My dogs did great and my offenders were outstanding! I am so proud of all of them! Alex went to his forever home, and they are Collie people, so I think it will be great for him. His offender trainers cried, which made me sad. The reality of it is, it's not a success unless they all go to good homes, but I hate to make anyone hurt. Hopefully we will have 6 new dogs in the first week of May, keep your fingers crossed!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Update on Phoenix Flight

All of my dogs graduated their Canine Good Citizen Test last night. This is probably the hardest thing I've done since I've worked in a prison. It has been fun, rewarding, sad, disappointing, and sometimes scary.

I have had to remove two of the trainers. That sucked. We lost a 3rd due to a court-ordered treatment transfer the day before the test. The other two trainers were flying stupid in a no-stupid-zone and had to be tagged. I hated doing it, but I am ultimately responsible for the safety of my dogs.

Next week is graduation, and then I have three weeks to find homes for 4 of the 5 dogs, before we bring the next crew of six in. My boss is already freaking out this time. I told him that normally he gives me until the week before, he said he was trying to beat the rush on freaking out. It all makes me tired.

The program has not been without its detractors. There have been both officers and classification staff that have wanted to see this fail. There have been others who waited until they saw signs of success before attacking. I will stand by this program no matter what. We are doing the right thing, for both the dogs and the offenders. This is the most important thing I've done since I started working for the Department 5 years ago. And, in the end, we will succeed. We may be tired, we may be stressed, but we will stand and be counted in the end as people who have done a positive thing for both offenders and rescue dogs.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The day I painted my son's nails

So, today I painted T's nails. The world did not fall out of orbit, he didn't say he wanted to be a serial killer, I painted his nails. When I was growing up I fought with my parents a lot. Mostly the fights were about my clothes or my makeup, or why I wanted to be in drama. I always told myself and my kids that I won't fight about self expression. The rule is "as long as your boobs and your butt are covered I don't care what you wear." C apparently doesn't have the same philosophy. That said, I think it is mostly out of concern for T. He gets picked on at school and C is worried that having black nails will cause him to get beat up. I asked T if he worried about this, and he said " I don't care." now it could be different tomorrow afternoon if he gets beat up or something, but I honestly don't think it will happen. I just want T to be happy in his own skin, and right now he's not. So what do you all think? Are black nails the beginning of a downward spiral??

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I miss my wife!!

Ok, I know everybody works and I know we all work hard, but seriously??? I'm tired and I'm done! I want C to work a normal shift, so we can have a normal family. I know I sound mean, hateful, whatever you want to call it. I'm just tired of never seeing her. I used to celebrate our anniversary every month, but I forgot a few months ago and suddenly time just flies by. I just want to spend some quality time with her by myself. Every time I say that, out loud or in my head, I feel like a selfish bitch. I'm just afraid we are going to wake up one day and not have anything to say to each other. I haven't seen her awake in two days and I'm lonely. There you go, I said it. And now I sound like some 2 year old brat. But really, I miss my best friend!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

How do you know when you're getting hosed?

So, the last several weeks at work have been just a tad stressful. I have been fighting a losing battle trying to deal with things. I have been trying really hard to learn to shut my mouth. This might work for some, but not so well for me! I have finally learned after 35 years to walk awAy, now if everyone else would just get on board! If I work circles around someone, then don't spend time trying to tear me down! Just let me work! Oh wAit... I forgot the rules of DOC!! Failure is expected, mediocrity is rewarded, and success will not be tolerated!! Anyone feel like you are working for no appreciation or recognition? Normally I am happy to just do my job, but sometimes It would be nice to get a thankyou!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Look @ me, all technologically advanced!

So, I got an iPod touch ... And it has taken me about a month to figure out how to use it. I wish I could post more often, but with kids and work and work dogs I am busy beyond anything I ever imagined. The dogs are doing well, with the average amount of beurocratic bs you'd imagine. Keep your fingers crossed, I am hoping for success!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Dogs are here!

I started working on Phoenix Flight on November 15th, and yesterday, February 10th we got our first set of dogs!! I am so excited, and I firmly believe my offenders will do an outstanding job! This has felt like an overly long process, and some days I felt like it would surely never happen. There are many naysayers when you are trying to do something different than "the way things have always been done." But it was worth it last night.

Until last night, I had never seen one of these guys smile. All the rest (9 others) will smile and hold a conversation, but this one man I had never seen an actual smile. My friend gave him his dog, and I saw all of his teeth, his smile was so big. It makes me proud to be a part of something like this, and I believe it will do wonders for the dogs and the offenders!

We have 5 dogs, some of them are silly, and all of them have great personalities! I can't wait to see what these guys can accomplish!!

So, y'all have a good day because I know I will!!

Friday, January 29, 2010

So, if you're the wife is she the husband??

Today I present you with two examples of questions people ask about the gay community.

The first example comes from my supervisor. I was happy because The Diva called me 'step-mom' for the very first time last night. And I was telling everyone I could find, because it is really important to me. My boss said "I'm confused, I'm trying not to be insensitive, but if you call C your wife, then wouldn't you be the husband?"

I am not insulted by this. Not in the least. I didn't feel attacked, I didn't feel hurt. I felt like she asked out of an honest curiosity, and a desire to understand. I explained, again, that there are no men in our relationship, so we don't use male terms. I call C my wife, and she calls me her wife. I know some lesbians that go by male terminology, but C and I aren't those people. I know that some people consider me feminine, but there really is nothing more feminine than my wife with her blond hair down to her rear! She is beautiful, more beautiful than I ever thought I'd be blessed with.

Now, let me inundate you with the second example. The Diva is in the debate group. I don't know how extensive the debate training is in middle school, but I don't think they've been taught much sensitivity. So, today they were debating whether or not gay marriage should be allowed. Several of the boys were apparently very rude, with one of the most rude comments being "Gays should not marry because they will just make all their children gay."

The Diva interrupted at that point and said that wasn't true. They asked how she knew, and she said "because my mom's are gay." So, anyone that didn't know about her parents status knows now, and our brave little girl spent all afternoon crying. She cried for their ignorance, and she cried because she was angry. And most of all, she cried because the guidance counselor wouldn't let her call home. Can you believe that? She explained why she was upset, and the counselor just said no.

And then? Then she came home and cried with C. Then she put on her makeup and went to a birthday party, because that is what brave 15 year old girls do.

I know this has been long, but I hope you have read all of it. I have been thinking for days about the status of my relationship with C. I don't generally think about the fact that I am a lesbian, because I am out. C says I am like a bulldozer, tell me I can't do something and I'll do it all the faster. But, I feel bad for any children in the room today with the debate team who might be questioning their sexuality. With that kind of ignorance and hatred, they may stay in the closet as long as I did.

Any thoughts?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

And....They WON!!!

So, yes the Indians won. They are AWESOME!!! I have to tell you, I never thought I could get so excited about middle school sports, but those boys rock!!

They were behind most of the game, but they never gave up. They just kept plugging away, and tied with 2.2 seconds left on the clock! Then it took two rounds of overtime and plenty of penalties, but they won by 5 points! I am not the mom to any of these boys, but my Diva (the cheerleader) she sure does make this mama proud!

And to top it all...she called me her step-mom tonight!! I don't know if anyone else has lived in a blended family, but I have waited almost three years to hear that word! Normally I am just 'my Rebecca', but tonight to one of her friends I became her step-mom. I actually teared up, she made me so happy!

So, I will go to bed and sleep like the exhausted mama I am, and hopefully I will have a voice in the morning! Y'all have a good night! :)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Hey Y'all... GO INDIANS!!!!!

So, I was never a basketball person. All my life I've watched either baseball or football. Oh, and we can ignore those 11 years where I was forced to watch Nascar. Oh the horrors!

Anyway, The Diva is a basketball cheerleader. And the boy who is not a boyfriend (she can't date yet), is a basketball player. So, I have gone to all but two of the games this year, and I *gasp* enjoy it!! The boys basketball team is going to the championship game tomorrow!! Yeah!! And, while I still don't understand all the specifics, I can safely say I enjoy middle school basketball.

So, go team!! Go Diva!! Here's to hoping they win tomorrow!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

C has an interview!!

C is going to be interviewing at another Prison in about a week or so. It is for a Corrections Training Officer. Basically she would be the trainer for that entire institution.

I know how badly she wants this, she is an awesome teacher! She has such patience, and such good little pieces of wisdom, it is an amazing thing to watch her teach.

She normally teaches defensive tactics, firearms, chemical weapons, etc. Your normal classroom stuff, LOL!

So, good luck my sunshine! I hope you get everything you've ever wanted!!

Oh, and she would make more money than I do, wooo hoooo! :) Good Luck Baby!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

For the record, I am not a people person...

Today I got called on the carpet by my boss for not being a people person. For the record, I am actually very sensitive. If people actually knew how much I worried about whether or not they like me, they would think I was a whiny suck-up.

All of that aside, there is a place for friends and friendliness. If I work in a prison with you, and you are out in the control module the chances of me asking about your boyfriend, girlfriend or your weekend plans are slim to none.

Now, if you need something I will be the first person in line to help you out. I will do whatever I can, donate whatever extra I have, or find someone who can help you if I can't.

I wish people would not assume that because I am about business at work, that I have no heart and no soul. FYI, the offenders don't want to talk to me about their personal issues because I am THE disciplinarian. I am the only one who regularly deals with their violations and places them on restriction, or in administrative segregation. Would you want to go see the principal about your boyfriend issues, if the principal just gave you a month's worth of detention?? Probably not. The inmates also know that I am probably the best one to have on their side if they are having mental health issues or issues with disabilities. Even my supervisors know this. That is why I work in the housing unit I work in. Just please know that I am in a prison every day for 8 to 10 hours to work, not to be friends with the inmates or all the staff.

I do have a heart, I have a soul, and I have cried over these inmates and their lives more than anyone will ever know. I worry about them even when I am at home, just so everyone knows.

An aside... noone I know from work reads this, but I had to vent a little because really! Even when the warden says it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it only matters what your supervisor thinks, it still hurts to be called a bitch at least twice a day, every day!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The independent voice of Massachusetts??

So now, there is a new senator in the place of Ted Kennedy. I was never an outspoken fan of Teddy, he was probably one of the Kennedy's I liked the least aside from Joe Sr.

But really??? We had an opportunity to pass healthcare legislation in this country, and the voters of Mass. took it upon themselves to take that away? I know that it isn't healthcare like I would like. I don't know about you all, but I work full time. I work a lot, and I still can't afford all of my children's healthcare coverage. I also make too much (according to Missouri) for the children to qualify for state healthcare coverage. I was really hoping that the public option would remain in effect. I know that it isn't going to happen, but we have to have some kind of change! It should be illegal that children and old people die every year because they are poor. Or, because their parents are the working poor.

People assume that if I am behind a public option then I must be living on state aid, food stamps, etc. Actually it is the exact opposite. I work really hard, I haven't taken a dime of state aid for 10 years, and yet for some reason I can't afford the Fairy Princess and the Diva's $200 a month in meds for their asthma. Oh, and the Diva has an ulcer because she is a worrier, like her mama. C and I don't take the meds we need, or go to the doctor because we have to pay for the kids monthly trips to the doc, and their monthly meds.

Do I sound whiny? I hope not. I hope you will read this and see it for what it is. Someone who is tired of constantly paying into a system that doesn't help me, or the other law enforcement people that I hang out with. Think about that...the people who protect everyone from the offenders, and the offenders from everyone else are the ones doing without. We are the ones without medicine and medical care, we are the ones giving our all to make sure our kids don't do without. I am tired people, tired of seeing no change. President Obama that goes for you too! Do more, argue more, I've done my part. Fight more for the people you profess to care so much about!

That is all...comments??

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Epic FAIL and Happy Birthday!

So, the other day I posted a long post about how I can't leave my house for 5 minutes without my middle two children making a disaster. And, then right before I hit 'publish post', the phone rang.

For those of you who don't have Charter cable and dsl, I am happy for you. In our house Charter cable means that even with dsl, and my wireless motem, I can't be on the phone and the internet at the same time! How dumb is that?? So, then I got off the phone (thank you Citibank student loans) and tried to publish my new post and the damn internet wouldn't come back up. In order to turn it back on I have to go to my router and unplug and replug in the cables. We have had Charter out to fix it twice. They say nothing is wrong, I say they are lost in a sea of inadequacy and ignorance!!

Anyway, on to the Happy Birthday part! Happy birthday to the fairy princess!! She is a very big 6 year old girl, and I can't figure out how that happened!! She truly is my awe renewed!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I'm back!!

Hello? Internet friends, is anyone still here? I haven't been here for a minute, mostly because I couldn't find anything I really wanted to say. Last year was really hard in our house, and I figured no one wanted to hear from the sad Becca during the holiday season. However, I am happier now and I miss here goes!

We are picking up all of the children tomorrow and I am totally psyched about it!! The small three went to Atlanta on Christmas Eve, and the Diva left for Mexico on Christmas morning. So C and I spent our first Christmas alone. We actually had a really nice time, and were not too depressed without the kiddos.

I had a wonderful birthday, and got some really nice presents. C bought me Julie and Julia (Outstanding movie y'all!), two new vampire books, and a robe. I am done with both books which means I need to take my stash to the used book store to get some new ones.

Oh, and happy 3rd year anniversary to the love of my life! I would be totally lost without her. She is my sunshine, every day!!

The dog program is slightly off schedule, as we are busy waiting for the State to finish the Memorandum of Understanding before we can bring the puppies to the prison. Could we please move a little faster???

This is the first year I have been away from the Diva in three years, and I can't wait to see how much she has changed. She has had a blast in Mexico, which is great for her and I am glad to see her spread her wings a little.

And finally, thank you to the U.S. Postal Service who delivered her passport at 7pm on Christmas Eve so the Diva didn't have to stay home with us. The post-mistress in our town rocks, I'm just sayin! She drove all the way to St. Louis, picked up the passport and hand delivered it to my house. All while C was at work, and I was in Tennessee with the Diva dropping of the babies.

So... here is to a New Year! I know it will be a better year for all of us, and I can't wait to see the changes that happen! I love you all, and thank you for being there every time I've needed to talk!