Saturday, October 30, 2010

Well, I found the brass ring, now what do I do with it?

So, many of you know that I have been interviewing for a unit manager position in a prison for a while. To be exact, I have interviewed 5 times. According to C, who has interviewed 6 times for lieutenant, that is not very many times. According to my way of life (it really is all about me, right??), I should have been promoted about two interviews before now.

I interviewed at a very large prison, in a tiny little town, in Southern Misery two weeks and 4 days ago. The assistant warden called me on Friday and asked if I would accept the position. Of course, I said YES!!!! :) If I were to say no, then all kinds of bad things could happen, which is to say no one would ever offer it again. Plus, for whatever reason, I really do want to work there. So now everyone at my prison knows, and everyone at that prison knows, and in about two weeks I have to appear for work.

I am really, really, really damn excited to have the promotion. I cannot wait to learn and learn, and learn some more. But, I am also scared. This prison is about two and a half hours from where I currently live, and C is up for promotion here on the 9th of November. I really, really, really want her to get promoted. She deserves it, and she will make a damn fine lieutenant. But...if she gets the job up here, then our cozy little family of five, plus three dogs, is split for a while. Then we have to live in two seperate places until one or the other can transfer (at least 6 months.)

If I stay down there and then someone up here retires, I could lateral back up here, and then we wouldn't have to move the kids. Or she can do a hardship transfer down there in six months. So, needless to say, there are tons upon tons of decisions to be made. But for now... I am FINALLY a Unit Manager!! Yippeeeeeee!! It only took 5 interviews and 1 and 1/2 years of being eligible, and I got it!!

The other scary part??? They will now expect me to supervise people!!! :)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Where did you go?

Let's pretend I went on a wonderful vacation to the Irish Sea. Let's pretend that I haven't spent the last month staring at my computer screen, and knowing that there is stuff that I want to post and just haven't.

I don't know about you all, but I get tired. Tired, overworked, frustrated, etc. Frustrated with all the little things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix many of those little things, so I crawl into a hole and pretend that those little things don't exist. When I am forced to confront them, it just makes me sad.

Sad that I don't know whether my 12 year old still likes monkeys, and sad that unless I call her she won't talk to me. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she thinks about me if I don't call. No matter how many people tell me I've done nothing wrong. I didn't hurt her, I cared for her the best I possibly could. That doesn't matter because in my heart I ask that question every day. What could I have possibly done that made her not want to live here anymore?

Did my choice to live my life with my partner push her away? Was it the fact that The Diva and The Fairy Princess have medical issues, and T had a breakdown? Did we not pay enough attention? We all make choices. As mothers, fathers, caretakers we make choices about the lives our children live. Did I decide for her too many times??

There are things I don't regret. I do not regret letting her go. I do not regret the lack of screaming in my house. I do not regret The Princess Fairy being happy. I do not regret the time I spend worrying about her.

I just wish it could have been different.