Times are changing...

When I first started this blog, I told you all about my parents and myself. I told you about my children, my wife, my job, etc.

Lately I have been loathe to talk about it. I don't know if it's just that everything that has gone on this year is scary for me, or if it is my continual reluctance to journal my feelings. I have always hated doing this, for me it seems to make things more real. As though I can ignore the issues if I just don't write them down.

I am happy right now, happier than I have been in years in certain parts of my life. The part of my life I consider to be real has changed. I used to view my job as the thing that I could count on for sanity and stability, stop it... yes I know I work in a prison!! It was always the stabilizing factor, always there, never changing.

In the last three months things have changed, first with the cancer scare, then with my mother, then with my job.

I don't think I mentioned anywhere that Mama is now living down here near us, and working here too. I love being able to see her almost every day. I love that my brother is home. I love the acceptance they have shown Crys and me. It saddens me that it took 4 1/2 years to find this acceptance, but overall I am happy to have it.

The job...ahhh, the job. When I took this job I naively felt that I could supervise anyone. OMG, I was so wrong. Also, I believed when I was promoted that it was their way of saying they believed in my ability to do the job. Now, I'm not so sure. After 7 months I sometimes feel that they just needed a body to fill a spot, and I was the only one they could find. I hate that. I hate losing my confidence in my ability to do the job and make the right decisions. I don't know why I feel this way.

You know what I've learned though? The job does not define me. It is the thing that I have to go do so I can live the rest of my life!! Not that I am consistantly unhappy there, but on the days when I am I think "It's okay, I get to go home and live my real life in 8 hours." I don't know when or why it became important to me to seperate myself from corrections, but I am glad that I have. It makes it easier for me to let it all go as soon as I step out the front door.

Have you ever felt this way??

All moved in, now why can't I get comfortable??

I know the answer to the question by the way, it takes a long time to get comfortable. I wasn't comfortable at my last prison over night, and it won't happen over night here either. But, to all of you who read my site, it would be really nice if someone has some words of wisdom or comfort that isn't "Oh Becca, you're so smart, you'll fit just fine."

Anyway, we are officiallyh moved in and I am still really tired, and the internet connection in this house sucks the life out of me every time I move a different direction!!

I am still trying to get used to work, my children are now alllll in school. I say that because the Diva has apparently been missing a required immunization for 6 years and Mississippi County caught it. Not 6 months, but 6 years people. So, she didn't get to start for a week after T. The Fairy Princess started today too, and she had the most awful day (according to the 6 year old) in her whole life...

So, I had a slight meltdown and told them that I couldn't handle hearing any more complaints about us moving down to bfe, and that if we could just all please suck it up I would be incredibly happy. So, the worst mother in the world award goes to yours truly!

Hopefully I'll find my sanity soon, because I need to just feel normal again and this going round and round in my own head is making me tired. Oh so tired.....

Well, I found the brass ring, now what do I do with it?

So, many of you know that I have been interviewing for a unit manager position in a prison for a while. To be exact, I have interviewed 5 times. According to C, who has interviewed 6 times for lieutenant, that is not very many times. According to my way of life (it really is all about me, right??), I should have been promoted about two interviews before now.

I interviewed at a very large prison, in a tiny little town, in Southern Misery two weeks and 4 days ago. The assistant warden called me on Friday and asked if I would accept the position. Of course, I said YES!!!! :) If I were to say no, then all kinds of bad things could happen, which is to say no one would ever offer it again. Plus, for whatever reason, I really do want to work there. So now everyone at my prison knows, and everyone at that prison knows, and in about two weeks I have to appear for work.

I am really, really, really damn excited to have the promotion. I cannot wait to learn and learn, and learn some more. But, I am also scared. This prison is about two and a half hours from where I currently live, and C is up for promotion here on the 9th of November. I really, really, really want her to get promoted. She deserves it, and she will make a damn fine lieutenant. But...if she gets the job up here, then our cozy little family of five, plus three dogs, is split for a while. Then we have to live in two seperate places until one or the other can transfer (at least 6 months.)

If I stay down there and then someone up here retires, I could lateral back up here, and then we wouldn't have to move the kids. Or she can do a hardship transfer down there in six months. So, needless to say, there are tons upon tons of decisions to be made. But for now... I am FINALLY a Unit Manager!! Yippeeeeeee!! It only took 5 interviews and 1 and 1/2 years of being eligible, and I got it!!

The other scary part??? They will now expect me to supervise people!!! :)

Really, still no equal rights for LGBT????

I was going to write a post about how Don't ask Don't Tell has finally been declared unconstitutional, and how wonderful that is, but then C brought up the fact that we (as a couple, and as individuals) are still not being given equal rights on a daily basis. In fact, she had been thinking about her own blog post, but I asked and she doesn't feel ready, or just won't, or whatever. So here goes, I hope I can do her thoughts justice!

We've always known DADT is unconstitutional. Even when C and I were both in the military, we knew. Neither of us were OUT then, and we both were trying so hard to live in the roles we were born in to. However, now we both know in our hearts the other pieces of our lives that are unconstitutional.

We have no protection as a couple, or as individual citizens under the law in our state. If you look at it and bend the glass a bit, our not being allowed to marry is also a violation of our first amendment rights. We, unlike other Americans, are not allowed the freedom of expression that others enjoy. We would love to freely express the depth of our love together by marrying. I do not look at marriage as a religious contract, but rather a civil contract. After all, we would then be protected at hospitals, when we try to adopt, and on our death beds.

No one would be able to keep her from me if I were dying, and vice versa. Let me tell you, right now that is one of the things that scares me most. If I am gone, no judge will tell her she can keep the two children who still live with us. If she is gone, no one will be able to stop her crazy-ass mother from coming down here to get The Diva.

And yet...we work for the State. We can't hold hands in public (in most places), we can't get married, for God's sake we can't even smoke in a restaraunt!! That last part is meant lightly, but think about it. I often think about the fact that they will legalize marijuana, shortly after they outlaw smoking in public.

We uphold the laws of the State of Misery, we protect the people of this state from those they would all remain seperate from, and yet there is no protection for us. I am not allowed to use the size of our family to qualify for any services whatsoever, because we are not one unit under the law. And yet, when I tried to qualify my children for reduced lunch fees, we were counted as one unit, and suddenly made too much money!! I can't qualify for family status on my benefits at work, and heaven help me, if she were killed while working (or vice versa) they wouldn't give us administrative leave to attend the other's funeral because we are not legally wed. People I know think that I am too serious about this, but I simply ask what if you were suddenly told you couldn't marry because your potential heterosexual partner was of a different race, ethnic group, or religion? I bet you'd take it just as seriously.

So, we keep fighting, I will continue to bring this topic to light at work, and we keep working to protect the citizens of the State Of Misery!!

Nothing happening here...nothing at all!

I totally have nothing to say. Nothing good, nothing bad...just nothing. I'm just here. I wish I were on a beach somewhere, with my wife, drinking a peach daquiri. Doesn't that sound nice?? I'm just sayin...

Where would you like to go? If you could go anywhere at all with no cost...

What did you do on vacation???

For years now I have wanted to take a real vacation, one where I got to leave the house and go to some exotic locale (Edisto Island, anyone??) but alas it just wasn't meant to be. I haven't had a vacation (that didn't involve a death) in 3 years.

So, this year I had plenty of time on the books, and I went on vacation. Ten whole days off with no work and no responsibilities, and no time limits, right?? WRONG!!

For my whole work week, I got up at 6:15 every morning to take The Diva to summer school. She was taking health so that it didn't interfere with her women's choir and concert choir schedule during the school year. Then on Monday and Thursday, I took T in the evening to his therapy meeting. And, on Wednesday...I went to work. I know, I was supposed to be resting. But, the trainer for my dog classes just had surgery a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with my offenders.

And while all of this may leave you all shaking your heads, it was actually quite relaxing for me. C and I didn't talk about work, for the most part. I took lots of naps, read a few books, and watched a lot of TV. I also watered the plants, played with the kiddos, and played with my own puppies. I tried to spend time soaking in the peace and calm in my house without being bored out of my skull. Normally, after just two days off I end up pacing the house trying to find any excuse to go to work. Not this time...I was actually sad to leave my house this morning, I just wanted to go back home.

Is this what domestic tranquility means for me??? I wonder if I could just stay home permanently? I'm sure I would be bored after a while. For those of you that don't work outside the home, how do you do it? I mean really, if I quit, we would make approximately 29,000/year with 4 kids and 3 dogs, and three children with extreme medical bills. It worries me, any ideas??

The dogs have graduated!!!

So, the Phoenix Flight Program has successfully graduated our first round of dogs!! My dogs did great and my offenders were outstanding! I am so proud of all of them! Alex went to his forever home, and they are Collie people, so I think it will be great for him. His offender trainers cried, which made me sad. The reality of it is, it's not a success unless they all go to good homes, but I hate to make anyone hurt. Hopefully we will have 6 new dogs in the first week of May, keep your fingers crossed!!

Update on Phoenix Flight

All of my dogs graduated their Canine Good Citizen Test last night. This is probably the hardest thing I've done since I've worked in a prison. It has been fun, rewarding, sad, disappointing, and sometimes scary.

I have had to remove two of the trainers. That sucked. We lost a 3rd due to a court-ordered treatment transfer the day before the test. The other two trainers were flying stupid in a no-stupid-zone and had to be tagged. I hated doing it, but I am ultimately responsible for the safety of my dogs.

Next week is graduation, and then I have three weeks to find homes for 4 of the 5 dogs, before we bring the next crew of six in. My boss is already freaking out this time. I told him that normally he gives me until the week before, he said he was trying to beat the rush on freaking out. It all makes me tired.

The program has not been without its detractors. There have been both officers and classification staff that have wanted to see this fail. There have been others who waited until they saw signs of success before attacking. I will stand by this program no matter what. We are doing the right thing, for both the dogs and the offenders. This is the most important thing I've done since I started working for the Department 5 years ago. And, in the end, we will succeed. We may be tired, we may be stressed, but we will stand and be counted in the end as people who have done a positive thing for both offenders and rescue dogs.

How do you know when you're getting hosed?

So, the last several weeks at work have been just a tad stressful. I have been fighting a losing battle trying to deal with things. I have been trying really hard to learn to shut my mouth. This might work for some, but not so well for me! I have finally learned after 35 years to walk awAy, now if everyone else would just get on board! If I work circles around someone, then don't spend time trying to tear me down! Just let me work! Oh wAit... I forgot the rules of DOC!! Failure is expected, mediocrity is rewarded, and success will not be tolerated!! Anyone feel like you are working for no appreciation or recognition? Normally I am happy to just do my job, but sometimes It would be nice to get a thankyou!

Look @ me, all technologically advanced!

So, I got an iPod touch ... And it has taken me about a month to figure out how to use it. I wish I could post more often, but with kids and work and work dogs I am busy beyond anything I ever imagined. The dogs are doing well, with the average amount of beurocratic bs you'd imagine. Keep your fingers crossed, I am hoping for success!

The Dogs are here!

I started working on Phoenix Flight on November 15th, and yesterday, February 10th we got our first set of dogs!! I am so excited, and I firmly believe my offenders will do an outstanding job! This has felt like an overly long process, and some days I felt like it would surely never happen. There are many naysayers when you are trying to do something different than "the way things have always been done." But it was worth it last night.

Until last night, I had never seen one of these guys smile. All the rest (9 others) will smile and hold a conversation, but this one man I had never seen an actual smile. My friend gave him his dog, and I saw all of his teeth, his smile was so big. It makes me proud to be a part of something like this, and I believe it will do wonders for the dogs and the offenders!

We have 5 dogs, some of them are silly, and all of them have great personalities! I can't wait to see what these guys can accomplish!!

So, y'all have a good day because I know I will!!

For the record, I am not a people person...

Today I got called on the carpet by my boss for not being a people person. For the record, I am actually very sensitive. If people actually knew how much I worried about whether or not they like me, they would think I was a whiny suck-up.

All of that aside, there is a place for friends and friendliness. If I work in a prison with you, and you are out in the control module the chances of me asking about your boyfriend, girlfriend or your weekend plans are slim to none.

Now, if you need something I will be the first person in line to help you out. I will do whatever I can, donate whatever extra I have, or find someone who can help you if I can't.

I wish people would not assume that because I am about business at work, that I have no heart and no soul. FYI, the offenders don't want to talk to me about their personal issues because I am THE disciplinarian. I am the only one who regularly deals with their violations and places them on restriction, or in administrative segregation. Would you want to go see the principal about your boyfriend issues, if the principal just gave you a month's worth of detention?? Probably not. The inmates also know that I am probably the best one to have on their side if they are having mental health issues or issues with disabilities. Even my supervisors know this. That is why I work in the housing unit I work in. Just please know that I am in a prison every day for 8 to 10 hours to work, not to be friends with the inmates or all the staff.

I do have a heart, I have a soul, and I have cried over these inmates and their lives more than anyone will ever know. I worry about them even when I am at home, just so everyone knows.

An aside... noone I know from work reads this, but I had to vent a little because really! Even when the warden says it doesn't matter what other people think of you, it only matters what your supervisor thinks, it still hurts to be called a bitch at least twice a day, every day!!