Crazy Christmas Shopping for DOC

I ventured out into St. Louis last night for some Christmas shopping. Not for my family mind you, because I still don't know where that money is going to come from...

First, we went to Sam's Club. They do not suck, except that it is Christmas season and they should understand that everyone and their brother will want something from the locked cabinet at the Member's Services area. Hire more cashier's for crying out loud!! We spent about $650 dollars for the employee christmas party next Saturday. (I'll have better stories then, promise!)

Then we headed over to Borders and Best Buy, spent a whopping total of about 13 minutes in each store buying gift cards (paid for with a corporate check). No problem there, and the checkers were still actually cheerful (I don't know how.)

We headed off to Shnucks (THEY SUCK!!!!!) with the best of intentions, and hit what we thought was the motherload. You can buy any damn kind of gift card you want. We added up what was spent so far, and discovered we still had another $1700 to spend. Yippee!! Right? Nope! After gathering around $550 worth of gift cards, the cashier watches me right out a check, screw it up and start over. As I am starting over, he comes out of his comatose state to say "You can't do that!" What, I said? He says "You have to pay for those gift cards with cash!!" Seriously????? You watched me f*ck up the first check and now write the next one, and waited until I was almost done to say no??? What the hell is your problem?

Those were the thoughts running through my brain, what I actually said was "cancel it!" and walked out of the store.

Finally, we made our last stop at Wal-Mart (Telecheck sucks!!). We gather $1,242.00 worth of merchandise and head to the cashier. After the cashier almost dumped our digital picture frame in the floor, I was ready for a drink. We again write a check on the corporate account, only to have it declined. Then, the manager decides to get stupid with me. After I almost raised my voice at her, I called Telecheck to discover (as I thought) that there is nothing wrong with our checking account, telecheck just doesn't want us to spend any more money on Saturday night. So, we decided to split the bill and try to write another check. That worked, go figure! Then we tried to buy the second round of merchandise, again no joy. I could understand Telecheck being this nutty if the items were written on a personal check, but they were not!!! There is over $15,000.00 in that account. I haven't spent it all year, let me spend it for crying out loud!!!

So, friendly internets... anyone else have any crazy Christmas shopping stories? And, for those interested, no we don't have a damn credit card, this might have all been easier with that!

Another job interview...

Good Morning All! So, as you may have guessed by the title I have another job interview on Monday morning. The interview is for the same position as last time, which is a giant step forward in the career plan. There is only one problem... I don't know if I want it this time or not.

If you haven't read further down on my page, I have this huge program going on right now at work where we are trying to bring dogs in for the offenders to raise so we can adopt them back into the community. This is a huge commitment on my part, and several other people both in and out of the prison community.

C and I talked about it, and I wasn't going to interview this time. I told my boss that I was going to wait 6 months to get this program up and off the ground, but that I would interview for the next position that came available. Then, it happened! He just kind of flipped out. He said that was a waste of my ability, and if for nothing else I needed to interview for the experience. So, then I decided I would just blow the interview. I mean I have a really good, steady job, and I could interview for the next open spot...right?

There is only one problem with that. I tend to do my very best at everything, and I don't know if I know how to blow something off that I have wanted for so very long. So dear intranets, anybody have any ideas? Do I blow it off? Do I do my best and then tell them I don't want it? Do I do my best and then take the job if they offer it? What do I do???? Can you feel my pain and confusion? Someone help please!!

I am thankful for...

I know it has been a week since I posted (I think), and so if no one reads this entry that is okay. I just need to say it, I think I am practicing for tomorrow. The Diva likes to know what we are all thankful for.

I am thankful for:

1. My wife, she is the love of my life, and I thank the gods above every day for her.
2. My children, they truly are the joys of my life.
3. My job, because I know there are people out there that will go hungry tomorrow.
4. My house, because I could have been living in a cardboard box.
5. As much as it sucked, I am thankful that I was there almost every step of the way with my Daddy at the end. I miss him with a pain that may never grow dull.
6. My friends, Amy, Jen, Paul, Tracey, Wendy, Mike, Brenda and all the rest that hugged me, wrote me little notes, or just thought about me throughout this very bad, no good year.

Again I want to say how thankful I am for the love of my life. Without her, I have no doubt I would have layed down and given up. For those of you who have never experienced work in law enforcement (yes, prison counts) remember all of us please. For all of our funny stories, some days are really bad and require a lot of help to get through. To all my brothers and sisters in blue, I am thankful for all of you. Thank you for protecting me and mine every day!

Bring on the dogs!!

So, now I can tell you about my new project at work!!! I am the project coordinator for a program called Phoenix Flight Dog Rescue.

We are going to be bringing dogs into my prison, and I can't wait! We are going to start with 5 dogs and 10 offenders with the hope of going up to 20 dogs and 40 offenders. We will be training the offenders to train the dogs, and then they will be adopted out by our coordinating rescue society.

I know in my heart that this will work, I don't know of a single program that has failed and there are a bunch of them out there. The only problem that I foresee is that we are trying to find funding for everything. Due to budget cuts the department will not be funding one tiny little part of this, so I have to find money for everything (even the food.)The only other issue will be (as always) peoples' own ignorance. We will be using dogs that have been rescued, and most rescued dogs in Misery come from fighting homes. So, you have all the people out there who believe that fighting dogs can't be rehabbed.

So... everyone think happy thoughts and positive blessings for me and my new baby, I really want this one to succeed!

Nine working days left before I go back to a housing unit!

I am sooooo excited! I am going back to the unit I first started in as a caseworker, and I can't wait!! I am training my replacement, and boy does she have the deer in the headlights look right now. I always think it is funny when people realize exactly how much work goes into what I do. Plus, there is all the other stuff I do that she won't even have to worry about.

I teach staff about once a month, I teach a two hour program to the offenders weekly, I help with our adseg committee, and for the past three months I have been acting president on our personnel club. I really am one busy little chicky! I am going back to 5 8-hour days this week so that I can keep up with what the kiddos are now doing. The soldier is starting wrestling this week, and The Diva has cheerleading practice at least twice a week. Plus, the princess has joined the Drama club (perfect for her,really!) and they meet once a week after school.

I also have a really big project coming up at work that I am not allowed to talk about right now, but OMG if it succeeds it will be a major windfall for me! I think I have again found how to be content in wherever I find myself. Thank the Goddess for that, because I don't know what I would do if I remained as discontented as I was for about a month. How about you internets? Is everyone content where they are right now?

Another banner day for gay marriage

Yeah for the state of Maine, according to Fixed News, Maine makes the 31st state to vote in a referendum to repeal a law that would have allowed gay marriage.

I am so proud to be from Misery today, I just can't stand it!! All I really have to say is 'why?' Why is my life and the happiness in my life less important than the rights of others? Why is it ok to discriminate against one entire section of humanity??

I know I don't shout from the rafters around here about being gay and how I believe we should all support each other, but come on! Can't we ever get to the point where it is ok for anyone to live their lives without extreme prejudice and interference? C and I don't spend every single moment showing pda to our neighbors far and wide. I have a really hard time believing that my personal life affects Joe Blow down the street. I would like to marry my wife (legally) in front of my family and friends, I don't think that is too much to ask for.

Sometimes this is just sooooo disappointing, I just have to rant! Thanks all for listening.

Tattoos and bellies!!

So, in honor of Aunt Becky (mommywantsvodka) and Sylvia and Bianca (The Zaftig Chicks) I am putting up a pic of my tattoo and mah belly (kind of.)


I chose the ribbon because really? why not have a rainbow ribbon on my body. Ladybugs are my all-time fave bug of course. The Diva calls me the little, lellow, ladybug. And, of course, it has the Irish clover at the bottom because I must insert my Irish roots wherever I go. I also put someone's initials on there because she is very near and dear to my heart. And then...she cried! I think all in all it is a success. So, dear internets, do you all have any tattoo pics you would like to share? Or belly pics? I'll take either, I'm not picky!

Oh, and if you are looking for some awesome sights visit Aunt Becky or the Zaftig Chicks 'cause they rock!!

I am still here, and an update on C!

So, I haven't been here in almost two weeks. Ack, the pain!! I love blogging, I just ran out of time with the birthday party for the Diva and trying to find the gumption to work while at work and worrying my butt off about my wife.

The Diva's party was wonderful, the boyfriend who isn't a boyfriend and his parents and the rest of his siblings (run-on much, I KNOW!!!) went to mexican and then bowling. I think she loved it, and we actually got a pic of her and the boy smiling (talk about labor intensive.)

C went to the workman's comp doctor again on Tuesday. For those of you that don't know, she wrenched all of the tendon's in her elbow while trying not to fall down the stairs of the tower at work about 6 months ago. Two cortisone shots later and four weeks of stupid physical therapy, she is still in pain. She had to recertify for the firing range on Thursday and Friday. By Friday when they qualified on the pistol, her supervisor had to hold the damn holster so she could get the pistol out and fire. So, she told the doc all that yesterday, and he said well the only thing left is surgery.

She said okay, which shocked me because she hates surgery and hospitals and all that crap. I guess that means she hurts worse than she tells me, which means she is in more pain than anybody knows. And still...people at work seem to feel she is faking it. So, there you have it internets, I am worried for her but if she doesn't do this the damage may be permanent. If it isn't already because they have waited sooooo long. What do you think?

Back to school, yippee!

So today, after a whole week off due to upper respiratory illnesses, all 4 of my children will be heading back to school! Thank the Gods above for small miracles, because I really am very (VERY) tired of the bitter, angry, bitch at each other for 24 hours a day, children that have kidnapped their ickle little bodies.

Really... being trapped in a hourse with 4 children who are sickly, fever ridden critters makes you a much better woman than I. Woman, thy name is C! She is awesome, because I seriously would have been committed by now. I am ready to send them all packing to the nearest military school after just the weekend with them. So, to all of you who stay home, or spend an inordinate amount of time with your critters on a daily basis, I say thank you from all of us who would have probably left them somewhere rather than listen to the bitching! (I kid, but REALLY!!!)

Gone, but not forgotten

Today is the 11 year anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard. He was 21 years old, a beautiful young man, and he died because of the hatred of a few men his own age.

Matthew was born December 1, 1976 and died October 12, 1998. He was attacked after accepting a ride from two men on the evening of October 6. He was found tied to a fence post outside Laramie, Wyoming eighteen hours later after being pistol whipped and left for dead. Severe head injuries eventually cost Matthew his life.

I have watched the Laramie project, which is a good idea (I believe) for anyone who is just coming out. There is supposed to be a sort of Laramie redux, for the ten year anniversary, coming out soon. The gentleman who did the latest interviews spent a good deal of time with one of the men found guilty in Matthew's death. He admitted that he is the poster-child for hate crimes in the U.S. He also stated that he did not want to get out of prison, that there was no place for him in the world.

Ten years ago if you had asked me if the men who attacked Matthew should have died, I would have undoubtedly said yes. Today, after almost 5 years in the prison system, I don't know anymore. Part of me wants to spend year after year locked in a cell for 23 hours a day, simply because they took Matthew away from his parents and everyone who loved him. The other part of me doesn't believe that rehabilitation is possible for men like this.

It is not my intent today to be sad, or angry for Matthew or his family. Today it is my intent to lift up the life of this beautiful young man taken from us far too soon. Please let someone you know (gay or straight) that you love them no matter who they are. That they are important in someone's life, who knows you and I could make a difference today!!

More fall cooking!

This weekend I am making apple butter in the crockpot (thank you very much Southernplate.com), and apple fritters! I can't wait until I wake up in the morning and the whole house is filled with the smell of apple-y goodness.

My mama didn't make these kind of things while I was growing up, although she does make some kick-butt (!) fried chicken, lasagna, and german chocolate cake. I want my girls to grow up with a good sense of how to make their families happy. While I am definitely not one of those ladies who is submissive and compliant, I do want my family to know I put my best on the table for them everytime I can.

On a more somber note, no promotion for me...this time around. I took my day to be pissed off and hurt over it, and I am okay now. I feel like it really must be a 'third times a charm' kind of thing for me. We'll see, I don't know when there will be another spot open for me to interview but I'll be ready!!

*P.S. Do any of you have favorite recipes that your mama's made for you? I always love remembering my mama and my mawmaw (grammy) cooking for all of us when we were kids.

P.P.S. Go Colts, Go Cowboys, Go RedSox!!!

I am soooo oooold!!

So today I was wandering through a part of the prison and found an offender...standing in the doorway smoking a cigarette! I couldn't believe it!! I'll be honest, I smoke. There are days I wish I didn't, but I still do. We are not allowed to smoke in our offices (duh!), so I follow all the pidly little rules they seem to add to daily.

However... I am not going to stand there and let an offender smoke in a doorway, when I can't smoke in my office. No way, not gonna happen! So, I took his ID and went to write the violation and discovered he was born in 1988. He is only 6 years older than the Diva. Isn't that just awful? Why am I re-raising an entire generation of society's forgotten children? Oh, I remember... sometimes some (not all) parents just don't give a rat's ass. That is my rant for the day!

**p.s. Does it say something about how old I really am that I can't watch the Diva and all her little cheerleading buddies do the booty shakin' cheers? I just can't do it...I know she's 14, but still she will always be a little one to me. :)

H1N1 is making me paranoid...

SO... I have been told that two or three children at my kiddos school have H1N1. I am seriously considering taking my smallest child out of school and putting her on lock down!

One of C's friends just lost her daughter last week. They believe that she had H1N1 and they also believe that her asthma made it harder for her to fight off. It scares the piss out of me, I'll be honest. There aren't many things that do it for me, but anything that threatens the life of my children ratchets up the fear factor a notch or two.

I honestly don't know what to do, the vaccine (injectable) won't be here for a few weeks, and then only at the health department. My eldest and smallest need it most because they both have asthma. The Diva wouldn't stay at home for anything, especially if she isn't sick yet. Oh, and according to everything I've read the eldest and smallest can't take the H1N1 mist (up the nose) because of the asthma. Ack!! What is an overly-paranoid mama to do at this point? Any ideas??

Yes, I do cook dammit!

I very rarely cook during the summer. Quite frankly, I hate it. I would much rather let C grill something while I make macaroni salad and lots of fresh veggies.

Yet another reason I love fall is that I get to start cooking again. This weekend I am making chicken and dumplings with homemade bread. C is sick, she sounds miserable, so this should help some. Tomorrow I am making nothing (yet another wake), and Monday (Yep, still part of my weekend, Yeah ME!!) I am making ham and beans. I can't wait. I love fall days, the football on the screen (go UGA!!), and the smell of freshly baked bread. Nothing beats it. So, do you all cook or I the only one left on the planet??

*RIP John. One of my very best friends' dad passed on Wednesday with the same cancer that killed my dad. 3 months to the day people, this really sucks!!

Come on Fall, and all the grouchy children!!!

It is no secret in my family, my favorite season is fall. The leaves are falling, the air is crisp, the bugs are almost dead... there really is nothing better!

However, being at home alone on a Monday morning with my smallest two has given me a new reason to be irritated with my favorite season. C is in training all week, which means she has to go to work in the morning instead of 4pm. I am apparently the only one who actually enjoys the cool, crisp mornings because I have spent the last 30 minutes listening to the fairy princess cry about being cold. Now, I am not the mean mommy that I portray in real life, I took her a heavier coat and made sure the light one is in her backpack for later. But, really... 57 degrees is cold??? What is she going to do when the midwest winter actually hits and it is -4 degrees outside?

I didn't realize this might be a problem until now. C probably doesn't put up with the same level of whining I am tolerating this morning. I normally don't see my kiddos, except to say goodbye at 6:30 every morning. So, on the mornings that I am here I try to be tolerant, and happy. However, happy normally means waving them off and going back to bed. Today I have to do all the running I do once a month for work, kids doctor's appointments, etc. And to top it off, I actually have to go to work and take C a different shirt. Seems she figured out half way there that she is not a firearms instructor any longer and probably shouldn't wear the red shirt. Oh well... yeah!!! Fall is almost here, and while my children are grouchy I will remain upbeat because I know it will only get colder.

Do you have a favorite season?

Blogger.com almost made me crazy!!!

Dear Blogger... Why is my password that I have used every day for the last three months, not the same password as my google password? Do you understand you have almost made me lose the last bit of sanity I had? I'm just sayin'!!!

It is a damn communist conspiracy!!!!

I was talking to the Princess on the way back from her new ecology club, when she informs me that now all the kids who have sack lunches have to sit in a whole different section of the lunchroom.

Apparently, this is to cut down on the amount of contamination from those dreaded children who are still bringing peanut products to school. Earlier this year we were told that if the children brought peanut products they would have to sit at a different table and use sani-wipes for their hands and faces when they were done eating.

Now I guess they don't have enough people to be on the lookout for the peanut product children, so they have lumped them all in the same group. WTF????? My smallest critter has not taken pb&j all year, even though she loves it, because I was unwilling for her to be segregated from her classmates. Now, because I cannot afford for all four of my kiddos to eat hot lunch every day, they are still being segregated.
Hot Lunch Kids vs. Sack Lunch Kids.... I think my kids could take them.

This makes me so irritated, I will probably have to make a phone call to the school on Monday. I don't communicate with the school unless I absolutely have to. I follow the rules of The Mother implicitly. But now? They have found one of my easiest buttons to push. Don't punish my kids because they don't have the same amount of money or qualify for the same government programs as everyone else. They didn't do anything wrong. Grrrrr!

So, what do you think? Do I call, or is one of those live and let live moments?

Dog Shows, almost my very favorite thing!!

So, tomorrow I am taking Elrod to the show at Purina Farms here in Misery. Purina is a wonderful place for a dog show in the fall because it is outside and the air is cool. Granted we have like a 75% chance of showers tomorrow, which will make my silver tipped white bulldog look like a flippin' dalmation, but there you have it!

I am very optimistic, hopefully El can get his first point tomorrow. We haven't shown nearly as much as his Mama Diana shows her dogs, but we have had a tough year. I am hoping that with the new year, we can show a lot more. We are also lucky it is only a confirmation show, so really all he has to do is trot, stand, and look very handsome. I don't think I could ever do rally, I don't have the patience or the time and energy.

So, here's to hoping the boy doesn't act like an ass and I stack him well enough that he wins. AND, I hope Wayne Brower likes my smallish bulldog... all -- pounds of him, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me. If we do well I'll post pics sometime soon.

Have I failed at my bloggy aspiration?

If you read the about me section of my page it indicates that originally I wanted to talk about politics, lgbt rights, feminism... you know all the fun interesting stuff that can really get my panties tied in a knot.

If you've read my blog since I started there may be three blog posts that relate to any of the above topics. Instead, I have blogged about my kids, my wife, the prison, my dad, etc... And so, I am wondering have I failed? Or, has it turned into something I didn't originally think I wanted?

See, the name of my blog describes me almost to a tee. I am the girly girl in the relationship. I am the one who collects pretty purses, sun glasses, shoes and feminine clothes. I am (for anyone who might be a lesbian and understand) typically a pillow princess. Which is not to say that I don't participate in the bedroom, it's just that I am typically not the agressor.

My wife says that is because the bedroom is the only place I feel safe enough to give someone else control over me. She is probably right, she often is. Okay, I realize I am totally off-topic here. Give me a minute.

I love my blog, I love that I feel safe enough to say what I want. I love that I have at least a few readers that seem to enjoy reading my occasionally lame crap.

So dear readers... what do you think? Did I fail, or did my blog morph into a weird lesbian mommy, prison bloggy thing?

Somebody want to come teach my class?? Please???

I have to teach new hires this morning. We will be discussing policy and procedure. While I do know a lot about policy and procedure, really I just want to go back to bed.

This afternoon I am supposed to give them a tour of teh prison. I don't know how my friend Wendy does it, when she brings them to my office I try to scare the crap out of them about grievance so they won't screw up early on. (I know, I'm so nice...right!)

My allergies are going apeshit and it feels like a cat laid on my tongue all night. And not the good kind of cat alright???

So...wish me luck or please come by and teach for me. I have a feeling this one will be memorable! :)

Football Season is here again!! Yeah ME!!!

So, it is well known in my family that C and I love football. We love all kinds of football!

Specifically, she roots for Dallas and I root for Indianapolis. I know we are really, really weird but it works for us. It is really the only sport we watch together, aside from the end of season baseball. Yesterday was the first of the 'real' football games that we got to see. By 'real' I mean, of course, regular season. We were supposed to see Dallas beat up on Tampa Bay, but here in Misery if you can't get the Rams to play on TV they will do almost anything to avoid showing Dallas.

We watched Cleveland and Minnesota, Seattle vs. St. Louis, and finally Chicago vs. Green Bay. I love watching the Bears and the Packers play football, they do it old school that's for sure! They are on the field name calling, and pounding on each other like football should be.

We have also discovered that we are not capable of avoiding phone calls from friends and family in the middle of our Football Mania. Try as we might, we can never convince them all that we need to have family time on Sunday. Free from interruption. We also realized last night, we are completely screwed!! We have 4 children, there will never be a Sunday without interruption. Why? Oh Why?????

Anyway, pleased to announce that the 'Boys (Dallas for you novices) and the Colts both won yesterday, and all is still right with our world. How about you? Do you have a favorite football team??

A sign from above???

So, last night I was laying there half-praying and half-thinking that I really needed a concrete answer as to what to do about the job interview in Chillicothe. It's not that I don't want to interview, but damn that is a long drive just for an interview. Plus, do I really want to move 4 hours away if I get the job??

I really don't want to move, and I really don't want to have to pick the kids up and move them to a new school in the middle of the year. Plus, I really like my prison. I want to get promoted here and I'd like to stay here.

Fast forward to today...I got to my office and checked my email; I had a message to call Chillicothe. When I called I was told they cancelled all the interviews because they didn't have the funds from the state to open the treatment section of the prison.

Is that an answer or what??? I don't know whether I'll get the job here or not, I am optimistic but not overly so. It just seemed like fate or providence or something saying 'no, you are going to stay here!' So, now I wait patiently for the interview on the twenty-first...Yay Me!!!

More job interviews coming up!

So, I got a letter from one of the prisons here in Misery on Thursday. I am interviewing with them this Thursday at 10am. That means I have to leave my house at 6 in the morning, because they really are located in BFE!

I really don't want to move 4 hours away, but I really (REALLY) want the promotion. I went to visit one of my 6 (yes, I said 6) bosses on Friday and told her that I was going to interview. She seemed annoyed, and wanted to know why I wanted to work at a women's prison 4 hours away. Well, I don't but I have to get promoted somewhere people!

C called Friday afternoon and I got an interview letter for the same position at our prison, but the interview isn't until the 21st. This leaves me with a dilemma. Do I interview at both places knowing the answer from the womens' prison will come back first? Or do I wait and do the interview here, thereby lowering my chances for promotion?

There are only 16 people on the register state wide for this position, and I can't imagine very many will drive to the northern-most part of the state for an interview. However, I also don't want to lower my chances at all. Plus, I've never worked at any other prison. This will give me a chance to see how different prisons work. What do you all think??

What pisses you off the most???

For me it is lying. It makes me crazy mad! I do not understand it. I know that most children lie from time to time, but really? WHY???

What is the point? Why do they not understand that they will get caught in the end? What all is considered lying? For instance, I consider forging my signature to be lying. It is the act of signing my name to something so that they (whichever child it is now) can receive full credit. Rather than just remind me that I have to sign the planner, they would rather attempt a sloppy RSA that doesn't look remotely like mine. It infuriates me, and I have now been through two almost teenage children who think it is perfectly ok. I guess all children do it, I know I did. But...I also remember that I couldn't sit down for a few days because my butt hurt that bad. My Daddy made sure it was a lesson I didn't forget.

S0... there is my rant for the day. What do people do that pisses you off the most, dear internets?

Farewell Ted Kennedy

I'd just like to say farewell to the last living Kennedy brother.

I didn't agree with very many of his ideas, but no one can deny that he was, at some points, larger than life. The Princess who loves history and always says her favorite president was JFK said "all the ones I like die." She was very sad, so in her honor I say farewell, I hope he was at peace in the end and surrounded by his family.

Band practice, what beautiful music!

School has started, and my children are going to do a wonderful job this year. I just know it!! T (my son) has started band, he is playing the french horn. I was in band forever and a billion years, and I loved every.single.minute. of it. I can't wait to go to his concerts and let them all pierce my ears with their beautiful noises. Because... right now it is just noise. He doesn't know any notes yet, but he can make noise!

The noise is a cross between an elephant and a goose. Sort of a trumpeting sound with a honk thrown in at the end for good measure. C called on her way to work and said "he doesn't know how to play that thing!" Well, no kidding! He has to learn, and the learning is a beautiful thing. So, when I am holding my head during his twenty minutes of practice, someone remind me that learning is beautiful...mmmmkay?

The Diva has also started cheerleading practice so we wander around clapping and head-bobbing randomly. She's so cute!

The Princess wants to join some school counselor group, and the fairy princess officially missed her first day of school due to asthma today. I figure it is just the beginning. We are actually having a normal (read-hectic, crazy) week around here and it feels good! :)

Four reasons visiting Des Moines isn't good for me, and two that I love!

1. I gained 5 pounds in 4 days.
2. I was stuck in a house the size of a postage stamp for three days with all four children, two dogs, and my lovely wife.
3. I have to hear about my father-in-law's new girlfriends (Yes, I said GIRLFRIENDS!)
4. I had to refrain from beating my sister-in-law's ass.

The reasons I love Des Moines.

1. Smitty's makes the best tenderloin EVAH!!!
2. I got to spend time with my lovely wife, and we weren't in a prison.

We didn't get to go there for a social call, my wife's grandmother (who she loved like a mom) passed on Monday afternoon. C and I have now put everyone on notice...we are getting off this roller coaster now! No one else is allowed to have a problem for a little bit, while we regain our bearings. And, we still didn't get to get married.

They like me, they really like me!!

I was having a conversation with my boss yesterday, and he gave me a really nice compliment. He said "I know I don't say it very often, but you do a damn good job. You fixed property for the audit, and you work very hard, and those grievances are awesome!" I said thank you, and then I wished that he would put it on paper in my file.

And then I thought, sometimes it is nice to have positive affirmation. Working in a prison, I don't get that very often. There is always something late, something else that must be done NOW, or some emergency somewhere. The first year I was a caseworker I spent going totally crazy with an egotistical, woman-hating boss. I thought surely I would never make it. And then last year the opportunity came to take this job. I was back with the crazy, micromanaging boss and I really needed a break.

I know that I complain about how boring this job is, but I also know that I am really good at it. And, it will prepare me whenever I can get promoted. But sometimes, you forget that you are good at something. I told my boss last week that I felt like people hate me because I spend so much time creating a shit-storm of paperwork that must be dealt with. Plus, I am aggressive, sometimes overly-assertive, and extremely High-Alpha. So, you all know what this leads to right? That feeling that you will never be the one everybody likes, because you lack a filter on your mouth most of the time. For the most part, I have gotten over the need to be liked. Probably because I lacked a lot of it to begin with.

But occasionally, it is nice to hear good things said about you. And I will take the true compliments wherever I can get them. Because my boss? Yeah, he doesn't hand out the bullshit real well. So if he compliments me, I know I got it right!

Parent Sex (yes, I said sex!)

So, have you all ever had parent sex? You know the kind, where you look at your partner and say "If I wasn't so tired, I'd eat you up!" Somebody shared that with me as a joke today, but I see the reality in it.

My wife (partner, baby mama, whatever) and I work different shifts. She works third shift and I work second. That means when I am almost ready to come home, she is going to work. Last week we went three whole days without seeing each other awake.

When I first met C I could wait until midnight when she got home and then we could talk or cuddle or whatever (wiggles eyebrows suggestively). Now that we have lived together for almost 3 years, we are both tired. TIRED!! I want to be able to be with her more than just the weekends when we are both home. Technically we aren't even home together on Saturday. She still has to work, and I try to let her sleep. Sometimes I will see her for about 3 hours before she has to go back to work. It really just sucks. There is no other word for it.

I really enjoy the time we spend together. I know there are couples that get tired of each other and need a break, but we have never been like that. I truly crave her company, she is the best friend I have ever had. Normally we have two times a year that we are alone together. Either New Years or her birthday and Pride Weekend. This summer because of all the stuff (read earlier posts) that happened, I was unable to be with her for Pride. And she was at home alone with our kiddos. It has been almost 9 months since our last time alone, and I neeeeeed it. As in NOW, right now, today, not tomorrow, not next week. And I can't have it. We can't change our schedules until they put bids up for her. We can't do anything about it. And that sucks!

Just thought I'd vent a little, hope y'all understand!

That's soooo gay...

So, good afternoon intranets! I read a post at today talking about a discussion she had with her son at some point.


It reminded me of my own son coming home and telling me that some of the mean kids were calling him 'gay' and using the word 'fag' to describe him. My son knew what 'gay' was, but the first time he heard it he didn't know what 'fag' was. I felt bad for not preparing him, but I also thought he was almost 13, shouldn't he have known what that was?

Fast forward to almost a month ago, and one of my other friends (who is also a lesbian) told me that a child of a mutual acquaintance of ours had called her daughter a 'fag.' She then had to explain it to her daughter because, like my son, she had never heard it before.

This leads to my point (a tad long winded, I know!), are we as gay parents not preparing our kids for life in the real world by avoiding what we deem an extremely ugly word? I know personally, that word is not allowed in our house. But, when I voiced my concern to another mom (who is hetero) she said perhaps I was being overly sensitive. Her statement was "all the kids say it, it's just a saying."

I disagree wholeheartedly! To me, and most gays, it is a word most often used in hate speech. It is a word used to denigrate and demean the gay,bi,queer,tran members of the community. But, should we be explaining it to our children young? Should they know what the word is, so they are hurt earlier, or should we explain it when it happens?

I am torn. I want to protect my son, but my stomach turns when I even use that word in a sentence. I know that before I even came out I deemed the word 'fag' to be hate speech. I always felt (probably because I hid for so long) that the people who were openly gay deserved our sincere respect for their strength. So that is my question...

When do we prepare our kids for the ugliness in this world? What do you think??

The St. Louis Museum Of Art, A Review...

While the little kids were gone C,The Diva, and I went to the St. Louis Museum of Art. We all loved it! It was free and it was a great way to spend a really (REALLY) hot, bright summer day. Below are a few of my favorite pictures. I'll also take this time to give thanks and all praise to C, she took all the pictures and she did an outstanding job!! I really wanted to put pics of C and the Diva in here, but I was vetoed because of where we work. Enjoy Everybody!!




This is Degas' Dancer sculpture, isn't she beautiful? I have waited my whole life to see these things.




This is Monet's Waterlilies. It is my all time favorite painting. I love it. I have a copy of it on the wall of my office at the prison, and now I have a small copy for our bedroom at home. Looking at this painting gives me a sense of peace daily, and seeing the real piece of art brought tears to my eyes. C found it and took me to it, because I wasn't paying attention and didn't know that it was there.


This is a chinese dog, he looks remarkably similar to our bulldogs at times. I loved being able to see genuine, real pieces. I am amazed that they made it to our day and age as beautiful as they are.



These arches were made by local artists for the All-Star game which was held in St. Louis this year. They had two arches at the museum. I love looking at local artists' work!




This horse overlooks all the ponds and bridges leading up to the museum. I believe that we read that the statue was a present from France. It is just majestic!






C took these pictures in the war room. These are German guns, she absolutely loved this area!!



Remember I said the statue of the horse overlooks the pond and bridges? This is the pond area. I want to come up here whenever C and I actually have a ceremony, and have our pictures taken here. It is one of my favorite spots in ALL of St. Louis!



Our truck is in that parking area. There is a point to this picture, never fear! There are signs that say no parking, but we (The Diva and I) assumed they (whoever they are) meant No Parking on the Street. Scroll down and see how wrong I was!




See the pretty parking ticket I got? See all those other people parked in the area with our truck? The City Of St. Louis made a killing on all of us that day. We looked and every.single.one. of us got a ticket that day. Oh well, live and learn!

The City Museum of St.Louis, A Review...

In the interest of full disclosure, I suppose I should mention: nobody is paying me to review the City Museum. I just thought for those of you that don't live here, you might want to know what it is like if you ever visit.

A word of caution to all of you that do not like heights or tight spaces: Do NOT go there. Don't even let yourself be tempted by your wife who will likely say that it will be alright. Don't do it. It will not be ok, not even for a minute. You will have a panic attack the likes of which have not been seen 'round these parts for many years.

But...I digress. No one in our party of adventurers had a panic attack. I did have a moment of "Oh hell, w.t.f. did I get myself into here?" And then I realized that I couldn't very well leave the children, including the Diva, in the oh so capable hands of my ex-husband.

They do have a lot to do at the City Museum. There are places to climb and hide and slide in almost every area. Everything in the museum is recycled, according to the Diva, and that is pretty cool. The Princess had a lot of fun, while she scared me to death, climbing and hiding.

The Roof Top is also supposed to be pretty cool, they have a preying mantis, school bus, and a Ferris wheel that the children can ride. We couldn't go up there because of the heat advisory in St. Louis this weekend.

The aquarium is nice, they have a place for the children (no big people) to crawl through with sharks and turtles that swim overhead. They even have a ray tank, where you can feed and pet the various rays. The rays came right up to the edge and wait for you to pet them, which is awesome!

The Soldier and the Fairy Princess really enjoyed the skate park area. They don't allow boards in there, but you can run up and down all the curvy parts. You can even slide down the concrete areas. The Soldier gave us a scare when he fell down the 15 foot wall, but he didn't break anything so he kept on going.

The Circus School is the only one in St. Louis, and the kids really enjoyed that. The man running it made a handkerchief disappear and made a little girl levitate. The Soldier and The Diva thought that was pretty cool.

All in all, the kiddos had a lot of fun, and I only had a few moments of sheer terror. C did not go which turned out to be a good thing, as she is really not fond of thousands of screaming people and tight spaces and dark corners. If you enjoy any of these things, you should have a blast!

And now we're off to go bowling this morning, Yeah!!! I really do like bowling! :)

p.s. It cost's $12 per person, even for the little ones, and the aquarium is an exta $6 per person.

p.p.s. You cannot drop your children off and leave, unless they are 16 or over. And let's face it, they really aren't children in any sense of the word at that point are they?

Aaaah, Yes! The joys of children

Yippee! All the babies are home, happy, safe and healthy. We picked them up last Sunday, thus explaining my absence for the week. Did you miss me???

The Soldier and the Princess had doctor's appointments on Monday. The boy grew 2 inches and 14 pounds in the last year and a half. Yeah!!!!! We have done every kind of test (I mean ALL) imaginable, and I am so glad that he is finally growing. Of course he eats us out of house and home daily, but I will do whatever is necessary for him to be healthy in the end.

I know some of you read earlier when we were having such trouble with The Soldier so here is a little update. When we went to the doctor, C and I told him everything...Every.Thing. We have started him on a low dose of some medicine and we will see if this one thing will help. Otherwise, we will have to do a dual med and I don't know how I feel about that yet. I do know I will do whatever it takes.

The best thing ever happened at the dr's appointment. The doc looked at C and me and said "Who is the biological mom, again?" I love him for that! There is never any judgement there, they just act like we are regular parents which.is.awesome!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was still here and hadn't fallen off the planet. Oh and to The Mother, my work internet keepers won't let me comment on your site from work anymore and that sucks because you have had the funniest posts this week. I love your survival guide!

Everybody have a wonderful weekend, maybe I'll take pics or something this weekend. Wouldn't that be neat?

My God (Goddess?) what a day!!!

So, anybody who has spent time here knows that I work in a prison.

On Fridays we have administrative segregation committee, that is where the guys who are confined 23 hours a day for whatever reason will come to see a three member panel and we will decide what to do with them. Most of the time there are only about 7 or 8 scheduled, but we have had days of 20 or more. Those days are the LONG days.

I think I've explained that I'm the grievance officer where I work, so a lot of the time I am totally alone. Except for whiny offenders, of course. I rarely get to do adseg committee anymore, which explains why I get totally excited about something that promises to be irritating more often than not.

So, this morning started out perfectly normal and I was excited because I get to do committee. Yeah!!! Then the shit hit the fan... we had three guys who apparently were involved in a fight last weekend. We found the one who got hit, with blood all over him. Then the officers found another one (the one they thought did the hitting) and locked him up. Then one showed up at the shift commander's office and said he was actually doing the hitting.

Now, the weird thing here is guys don't normally tell on themselves. So, (I say that word a lot) we thought he was lying; but we locked him up anyway. Well, we went back and forth this morning and finally decided the one who admitted to hitting was telling the truth.

Then we had another guy who wanted to threaten some staff while on the phone with his wife (girlfriend?sister?), so we had to see him.

Fast forward a few hours and by 2:30 this afternoon I had written three violations, two for the fight and one for the threats over the phone.

Then my boss calls me back in and says "Why didn't you all cut the guy making the hooch loose?" I don't effin' know, I am not (NOT) in charge here. So, we convened an emergency committee at 3:30 this afternoon to let him out of our adseg unit. For the record, hooch is prison made alcohol. They gather all the fruit they can steal from food service and mix it with god knows what else and some bread and voila! You have hooch!! Except this guy's violation didn't get read in time and we can't hold him anymore. Woops! Our bad, we can't punish you anymore because we didn't follow the policy.

By the time I left my office at 5:15pm they still hadn't released the guy with the hooch from 5 house, but I was going home. With the assurance of the sgt that he would be released as soon as chow is over.

I am soooooo glad it is the weekend! And, in other good news, I get to pick up the babies on Sunday. Yeah!!!

Alone for the evening...

Yippee!!!!! I am alone! Totally alone, except for the doggies.

The Diva went to stay with a friend (we are babysitting her kid during the day), and the bottom three aren't home from Atlanta yet. I don't know what to do with myself, hehe!

I think I am going to watch some tv, eat some food, take some ambien and sleep like there is no tomorrow!

I am at the stage where I really don't like being around people all that much, I don't know what to say anymore. I love being able to sit down and write out my feelings and thoughts for the day, except Wow! today would have been mostly curse words.

Anyone who has never worked with an exclusively male population before, you are missing out! The joy of trying to make yourself understandable alllll day long is overwhelming. How many different ways are there to say "you have to wait for the paperwork." I leave some days feeling like I will never change anything, but others it is worth all of this.

So... now I will take a small break, order dinner (italian, yum!), and watch the tube. Y'all have a good night! :)

The joy of quiet mornings...

I love early mornings at my house. All is quiet, everyone but me is asleep.

The sun is shining, and I will not let the gray at the back of my mind take over. These are the mornings where I sit in front of the computer, with my coffee and read my favorite blogs. They are an escape for me, I have found a few new ones over the last few weeks that have really helped. They have made me laugh out loud, and I am glad. Glad to know that I am going to come around eventually, and glad to know that my sense of humor is as warped as it ever was.

This morning I got up and loaded the dishwasher, and made blueberry muffins. I know that C and the Diva will be thrilled when they get up, and it made me all the happier to have a few minutes of quiet peace. Tuesday will come, and I will go back to work, but the weekends with my family make it all worthwhile. Just thought I'd share my favorite day of the week.

What is yours?

Followup on Elrod's eye

Good morning all! The sun is shining and the birds are chirping, meh! Not really, I woke up to a wonderful thunderstorm that would have been really good sleeping weather. Did I get to sleep? Nope.

I took El (the baby bulldog) in this morning for a check up on his eye. Doc says it all looks good, except we have to do the ointment in the non-injured eye 4 times a day because it is still too dry.

We won't know until next Saturday whether or not he will keep the eye. They have to take the stitches out and poke around a little, and then the Doc will decide.

In better news, the secretary told me this morning it is only $480 rather than $650. Yippee! I told her just to keep the money on our account until we see what happens next week.

I am going to think positively, and believe for him that El will get to keep his eye. Although, his Mama D said we could make him a pirate for Halloween next year, with a black patch! I kid, we would much rather him keep his eye. But, at least we know he will always be our baby boy.

So, I sit here and watch him. He hates this damn collar, and really just figured that out this morning. My poor boy...

Why am I sooooo angry??

I woke up this morning, and I was pissed. Not irritated, not grumpy, just pissed.

I don't know where this is coming from. Well, I take that back, I do know. I feel like at least part of my life was left back there almost a month ago when Daddy died. My sis was angry at the beginning, she said it helped her. I don't think it is helping me. It feels like I can't get this rock off my chest.

People will ask me what is wrong, and my brain is thinking "duh, whaddya think is wrong with me?" But then (until today at home), I am nice and brush them off. "Nothing's wrong, I am fine, just fine."

This is the part of me that hates working at a prison. I can't be sad and mopey in front of the offenders, I can't be sad and mopey in front of my boss. I tell new employees all the time, 'fake it until you make it.' But I haven't faked it in about three years. I like my job, I enjoy almost all aspects of it. But, right now I don't want to be there. I don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to anyone.

I teach a class to about 20 offenders, and I know it is slower right now than the last class I taught. I keep telling myself I have to pick up the pace, but I don't know how. I cannot bring myself to care about it right now.

I feel bad for being such a grouch, but I don't know how to stop. I feel like no one wants to hear about my sob story anymore, but I can't make it go away.

I yelled at C tonight and I just couldn't stop. Then I came out of my bedroom, and the Diva was sitting there listening in on our conversation so I yelled at her too. Ack! I know better than to behave like this, it makes me worry that I will drive the people I love most away.

Part of me feels like it would be better to just be left totally alone, but then I'm all 'wait, come back, don't leave!' Then C said she understood, mmmm no, don't think she really does. I don't know how anyone who hasn't gone through this understands, and I know that sounds mean too.

Make it stop!! Maybe if I remind myself to breathe it will all work out, but it doesn't feel like it right now.

Damn bulldogs!!!

Elrod ruptured his cornea last night. I don't know why it has to be the one who is worth twice more than his sister. He is the one with the skin problems, and now this.

We had an emergency surgery at 8:00pm to save the eye, and hopefully they'll be able to take the stitches out Saturday morning. I don't know for sure. Thank God for the Diva, without her paying attention we probably wouldn't have found it until this morning. Thank God for C, without her yelling at the very stupid vet tech, they probably would have convinced the Doc to take the eye without looking at it.

Thank God that it was Elrod, and not Lucy (breathing problems) otherwise we probably would have lost her.

I told his Mama D last night (our co-owner) that I didn't care if he ever showed again, I just don't want him to lose his eye. We are holding out hope.

Also, thank the Goddess (confused yet??) that the other 3 kiddos weren't at home, only two hysterical women needed at once... thank you very much!

p.s. I am hoping to post pics from our trip to the St.Louis Art museum this weekend, it was lovely. They have Degas' dancer and Monet's Waterlilies. I am in love forever!!

My Sister's Keeper

I took the Diva to see My Sister's Keeper tonight. It is a fairly sad movie and although C would sit through it with me (and probably will once it is in stores), I thought she has been through enough lately.

It is a good movie, moving, sad, somewhat uplifting, but all in all a good movie. Here's the bad part though...If you read the book don't expect the movie to hold a candle to it.

I liked it, I just wish it hadn't been the very first Jodi Picoult book that I read. I love her, I love her writing even though she makes me cry every time. Sometimes that is cathartic, I think.

The other problem is I probably won't be able to convince the Diva to read the book, she is still working on Breaking Dawn. So, I sat there and didn't say anything when the end went in an unexpected direction. She won't know what she is missing and neither will C, so the only person I could really talk to about it is my sister. She would go on a complete tangent with this one, I promise.

In other news, the Soldier, the Princess and the Fairy Princess are all in Hotlanta for the next two weeks, so I am trying to figure out how to fill my time on the weekends. We are off to the museum on Sunday, and I think that will be wicked fun.

And... the low here tonight is going to be 57, hooray for open windows and bulldogs that can breathe b/c the humidity finally went away!!! Yippee!

And the winner is...

Me???

Gosh, I hope so! I interviewed today at a level 5 (maximum security) institution for the position of functional unit manager. The FUM is the manager of the housing unit, supervising offenders, classification staff, and custody staff.

I think it went well, there were only two questions that I had to make up on the spot answers. This is my first time interviewing for this position, it took three interviews to become a caseworker, so I am not overwhelmingly optimistic.

However... they did offer me a tour of the institution (sweet!) and I think they have already called my boss!

I felt a little nervous at the beginning, where I had to just say "Becca get over it! It is just an interview!!" Tomorrow I will going back to being a simple grievance officer, but today? Today was good!

In other news, did anybody besides Adrenaline's Shadow see So You Think You Can Dance? Wonderful choreography in the 'addiction' piece by Mia Michaels. She rawks!

Wonderful days...

So, Tuesday has come and gone. It was a wonderful service, and my brother did an outstanding job. He was so strong for my mama, I am so proud.

About halfway through the service, I felt a kind of peace settle over me. The rest was still very difficult, and I cried like a baby at points, but it did feel peaceful.

I went back to work yesterday, and am going for a promotional interview today. Daddy would not want me to just lay down and quit, so I won't.

My grandpa told me to make sure I take care of Mama and my brother, so now I have to figure out how to get money to her once a month without irritating her. She is very private, and sometimes when people try to help she feels like they pity her.

Thank you to everyone who gave me their thoughts, well wishes and prayers. I appreciate you all, and have come to feel very close to many of you. Hopefully I will feel up to spending time on my favorite sites again soon. Right now every time I go to comment, I just can't find the words. But, I love you all!

Go Big or Go Home...

The next few days may very well be the longest of my life...

For the record, my friend Diana disagrees and says that the day Daddy died will be the longest day for the rest of my life.

Monday we will have the visitation. I was planning on taking the little ones from 5-6 pm and then taking them home, because I didn't think they needed 4 hours of visitation. Then Mama called and said I need to be at the house by 11 am so we can have a family meal with Daddy's brothers who are coming in for the funeral and I need to stay until 7 pm for the visitation.

I understand where she is coming from, I really do. I just worry about the babies.

Tuesday is the funeral. We have to be there at 9:30 am and the funeral starts at 10. That will last until 11 or 11:30 and then we will have the meal. Mama is independent fundamental baptist, so they cook a lot. The family and the pall bearers will eat first so we can leave for the grave site on time. Then we will all get in the vehicle and drive to Jefferson Barracks for the burial. Then we are all driving back to her house to go to dinner before the brothers have to leave Wednesday morning.

Mama never does anything ostentatious or loud, but this? This is big. She has made all the arrangements, the casket sounds wonderful, the flowers beautiful, and they are doing a burial with full military honors. I just want it all to be over.

I think my only problem with all of this is that other than my kiddos, I? I will.be.totally.alone. I cannot bring C or the Diva to the funeral. Any support that I could get from my wife I will have to get prior to leaving Tuesday morning. On top of that, she has to work Tuesday night. She hasn't been able to take off for any of this, because according to the state of Misery, our relationship doesn't exist.

When I told her last Tuesday that she couldn't go to the funeral, she cried. I haven't seen her cry through any of this, I couldn't even tell you what she ate last weekend. Normally, for the record, I am the caretaker. I always know whether she has eaten, what she ate, if she took her prilosec and what she is doing at any given moment. I have completely lost my ability to be the caretaker.

She didn't cry because she was hurt or angry (which she is), she cried because it is one more way she can't be with me. I tried to explain that every big thing I have done in my life, I have done alone. I have birthed two out of the three babies by myself (stupid wasn't there except for the last two hours on each.) I graduated from boot camp by myself. I even came out to my parents by myself. After a while you just get used to it. But she is right, I shouldn't have to be alone during this and neither should she. This is the part that really, REALLY sucks.

In a fog...

So, now I have had a whopping 5 hours of sleep and I feel almost human.

Mama called this morning and asked me if I slept. Why yes, I fell asleep at two and slept til 7. Then she said I should call her if I needed to talk. I still can't talk coherently about any of this. I keep repeating shit and I am sure my friends are all tired of hearing about it.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, because I kept thinking I didn't tell him goodbye. I told him he did a good job, and he was so strong, but I didn't tell him I would see him again. And, I can't get that image out of my head. I am 34 years old and I feel like a 9 year old, who just can't focus. What do I do about that?

How do you wrap your head around the fact that the man who has been your dad since you were two is gone? I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do. I told my Princess that he would be okay. My fairy princess (aka the cookie queen) cried like her heart was breaking. She is 5, he was her dat! How do I make that better for them? And what do I tell my son??? My daddy was the only full time male presence he had in his life.

This just sucks, and I wish I could wake up and it would all be done. How immature is that?

The end...

My father passed away around 3:30 this morning. He is at peace, and my mama is resting. Thank you all for your prayers and concerns.

Becca

The nightmare continues...

So, I haven't been on here since Saturday (I think.) My dad had emergency surgery Sunday morning.

They went in and found that he had a five centimeter ulceration on the front of his small intestine that blew out. They think that happened sometime Thursday or Friday night. They repaired that and had to remove the rest of the colon that they left, because when the small bowel ruptured it flooded the abdominal cavity and killed the rest of the healthy colon.

The doc's said at that point he has been living with the ulceration for many, many years and they don't know how there were no signs/symptoms.

Last night his blood pressure crashed several times and they could not get it under control. They transferred him to a larger hospital and began using meds to try and keep him out without affecting his blood pressure. He is on a ventilator.

When they got him to the new hospital, they discovered that he had formed a clot where the fork is to go down to the femoral arteries in the legs. This cut off circulation to his right leg and it had already started to become necrotic.

My mama's pastor specifically asked the surgeon what would happen if they left it, and he told both of them it would kill him. So, at 5:30 this evening they amputated my daddy's right leg above the knee (way above the knee.)

He came out of surgery at around 6:30, but as my mama says "How long can it take to cut off a man's leg?"

Daddy is still critical, but they have said that his blood pressure is better than it has been all weekend. I am asking for prayers that we will have kidney function by tomorrow. Right now they are estimating that there has been absolutely no function since Saturday evening. They are supposed to be starting dialysis this evening, once they get the second central line that they can dedicate to that in.

I know that I don't know you all very well, and that I have probably said too much. I am just so scared that he won't wake up, or that there will be another problem. I told C this morning, it feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Every time I wake up something else happens. Thank you for letting me talk about this here, because I am so tired and I am sure everyone else is tired of hearing about it.

Update...

So, mama called a while ago and said that the stenosis site (where they sutured the two ends of the intestine back together is still holding. Daddy developed a hole next to where the jackson-pratt port was (that is a tube attached to the incision site), and so the port started leaking fluid.

She says that the surgeon says they won't do surgery right now, but will wait for the hole to close on its own. They are going to insert a pic line tomorrow so they can give him nutrients and do the blood work without having to stick him over and over again.

So, this appears to be a blessing and at least they won't have to take him back into surgery. @ The Mother, I know you understand all of what I just wrote. If it is worse than my mother is telling me please let me know. Sometimes she doesn't tell us all the bad news at once.

Right now, she says he will be in the hospital much longer than Monday b/c they have to wait for this to heal.

Thank you all for your prayers, and please keep my dad in your thoughts. I am going to see Mama later on and pick up her laundry so that she can have come clean clothes. Please pray for her too, she sounds as though she is on her last leg.

To all of my friends, please pray!

This will be a short post, I have not posted on here about my dad out of respect for my mother, but he was diagnosed with colon cancer about a month ago.

He had surgery on Monday and last night started having what could be some really serious complications. He is having an emergency CT scan right now, and then they will tell my mom what they need to do next.

I am just asking for all of you to pray, I don't care what you believe in, just pray that my dad will make it through this. This man is larger than life to me, and I will be lost without him. I covet all your prayers. I will update as soon as I know something

FYI, not all professional dog handlers are this dumb!

So, I finally figured out how to save most of the blogs that I read to a feed reader today. I know, I am slow, but I am still figuring out this blogging thing.

I used Google, mainly because I can get it at work and still get my fix, and Google downloads items from your local largest metropolitan area (St. Louis.)

When I went to Google to help C find her way to the doctor's office after a snafu on I-270 left her stranded on a bridge I noticed this announcement, Seven show dogs die after handler leaves them in van in Jefferson County. My heart just dropped.

One of the things I haven't talked about on this site is that my family raises and shows english bulldogs. I can't imagine the pain those dogs must have gone through prior to their death. I know that I shouldn't judge, I have travelled with 5 dogs at a time and it doesn't matter how tired I am, or that I have spent the last 13 hours on the road, the dogs come first! I would post a damn link to this, but I can't figure it out, if anyone out there can help me it would be greatly appreciated.

One of the dogs that died is the top-ranked female Akita in the nation and fourth-ranked over all. That may not mean anything to people who don't show dogs, but it is very, very important! First, even if it is a show dog, it is still (most of the time) a pet. My bullies (Lucy and Elrod) live in our home and we have raised both of them from the time they were babies. On top of that, total how much it costs to show a dog and how much the dog costs.

Most people don't actually make money showing dogs, most people show dogs because they love the dogs and they want to protect the breed that they love. I am just horribly saddened that the owners were not with their pets when they crossed the rainbow bridge, and I am horrified that this young woman appears to have been merely too lazy to move the dogs to a safe place. I live about 30 minutes from her, and on the night in question it never dropped below 85 degrees and the humidity was at nearly 100 percent.

My dogs don't have nearly the fur that the akita and the husky I saw pictures of, but no one leaves my girl (Lucy) outside for more than 10 minutes right now simply because of the danger of the heat. I know that there are handlers out there that will leave their dogs in the big trailers overnight, but they are plugged in and have access to air conditioning.

I almost didn't write about this tonight, but I wanted to remind everyone please take care of all your pets and your children. Don't leave them in a vehicle, they can't take it. The vet said it takes about 8 minutes for a dog to die of heat stroke, however, I know of bulldogs that have lived for upwards of 30 minutes before succumbing to the horrible heat. My heart hurts for these poor animals and their owners.

Governor Sanford (SC), We hardly knew ye...

I'm baaaack! Bronchitis and pneumonia will not keep me down, no ma'am, it just might make me lose track of the political world for a little while!

Before Friday afternoon I had no idea who Governor Sanford was, but now I am all too well acquainted with him.

So, the short story apparently is that Governor Sanford, of South Carolina, left his office on Thursday of last week without his security staff and disappeared. He then left word with his Lt. Governor apparently Sunday or Monday that he was sorry for the confusion he had caused, and he was just hiking the appalachian trail.

Fast forward to this morning, where the esteemed governor was witnessed, by a member of the media, getting off a plane at the airport in Atlanta arriving from... Buenos Aires! What??

What made the Governor believe, even for a minute, that noone would see him leaving an airport terminal?

I was going to be exceedingly supportive of his wife for having the strength to not going to the podium with him for his walk of shame. However... it turns out she allowed everyone to believe that he WAS actually hiking the Appalachian Trail, when she knew where he was and had asked for a seperation two full weeks ago.

I really do feel bad for the Governor's family, because this could have been handled so much more easily. They could have simply made a joint announcement about their seperation and moved on. Instead, it seems as though this man may have had a temporary break with reality and unwittingly ruined his future aspirations toward higher political office.

Moving on to the next political scandal...I predict we have two weeks before the next bombshell drops.

Guess what we did this weekend???

So internets, this weekend was supposed to be super-family friendly. We had a list of possible items for Sunday. Let's see if you can guess which one actually happened!

1. City Museum (if you read my facebook this was scheduled)
2. zoo
3. Magic House
4. Nascar Speed Park
5. so-so lunch at local mexican resteraunt and afternoon of flea market shopping.

If you guessed number 5 you win! Note to self: next time get a prize...so no prize for you! We have all alternated being sick/tired for about 6 weeks now, so this weekend was supposed to be fun, FUN, FUN!!! Not so much, dear readers. I took them all summer school shopping on Saturday and I kept thinking "I don't feel so good." Now, both the Diva and the Cookie Queen have been fighting off the damn bronchitis for another week but surely I wouldn't get that, right??? Wrong!

I woke up Sunday morning feeling like a lead weight was sitting on my chest, but I am she-Woman, hear me rawr! I can do all...except I can't. We went to pick up the Diva from her friends house, and then decided it was too late to go to the City Museum and spent 20 minutes trying to get all 4 kids to agree to something local to do. They finally all agreed on Skaterz, and we headed off. My lovely partner, C, decided in mid-flight that her coughing, sneezing partner did not need to suffer that fate and detoured at the flea market.

I think the kids all had fun, I hope so and hopefully soon we will be able to have family day that does not include a trip to the ER, a pajama-fest at our house, or semi-ok mexican at the resteraunt that is now charging twice what it was last year.

And now for the coup de grace, I have enough new (new to me,anyway) books to last at least another month!

Edward the caveman on Next Food Network Star

I know, I know before you all come running to tell how my brain will turn to goo with too much reality tv... I really only like a few of them. My fave of ALL time is Top Chef, and then there is Next Food Network Star and So You Think You Can Dance.

We tend to watch all of these as our family-time shows. Even the Soldier enjoys all of these, especially the cooking and dancing shows. We were all crowded around the tv waiting to see what Bobby Flay could say to make someone cry this year, when in walks Edward. "Let's leave these ladies to talk about lipstick while we settle in" he says. What??? Is this 1850 wherein all the men leave the room to smoke and drink and the women stay to enjoy needlework?

My favorite moment of the entire episode though has to be when he introduced the rest of his team as "4 pretty girls and one great looking guy." Giada was sitting at her table with the most beautiful look of irritation on her face. I just loved it!

In case you were wondering half the fun of the show is making fun of the people on it, as the Diva said earlier "those ladies are way too happy." Anyone else with a half-goth, half-happy bunny cheerleader girl will understand what is meant by "too happy."

Thank you to all with suggestions for my son, I just needed a lighter post for tonight. I appreciate all the advice.

Why does it always happen at once?

This week my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. My mom has assured me that they are scheduling the surgery and working on scheduling the chemo as quickly as possible. C has been on light duty at work for 2 months as of this Friday. My son is alternating between losing his mind and making me crazy. The Diva decided to start a 14 year old attitude this week, one of the teeth in the right side of my head has decided it needs attention NOW, and to top it all off my ex is now officially 6 months behind in his child support. (Run-on sentence much? I know, I know!)

I just want one month of calm and quiet where I can sleep without grinding my teeth and feeling the need to choke someone. I don't know if my reaction to stress is normal...probably not. I tend to get really, REALLY angry. I can't control all the shit that is going down and so then I micromanage the stuff I can control. All of this leads to me irritating the people around me, which in turn makes me feel bad, which just leads to a round robin of dumb shit.

There has been almost constant chaos in my home since February, C and I both have family members who are sick, the kids are all doing new things and getting older, work is stressful and C is tired of light duty. I just want to go to bed and hide there for the next month. And if I get one more asshat at the child support enforcement bureau, I really will scream (probably while on the phone.) So, I know there is no point to this post, but really I just had to let a little bit of it all out or I may just lose my mind.

My son, the escape artist...WTF???

I've talked a little bit here about the problem's The Soldier has with just bein a kid, but I didn't go into detail during the introductions.

Anyway, my son has some severe anger issues probably due to some of the things that happened when he was little. The Soldier, The Princess and I lived through some very bad situations when he was little and I wasn't strong enough to stop it sometimes. That is my responsibility, however I have done my very best since I left to get him the help that he needs. This is very, VERY hard to do when he refuses to be honest about the situation. Instead he laughs about the things we went through as though any of it is actually funny.

Fast forward to this year, and I am literally lost. He has become angry and sullen and doesn't answer questions when asked by the counselor. He has done many, many things that could have (Should Have) gotten him suspended from school at the very least. Instead, the school chose to make me and C the only disciplinarians in his life. They have told us there is nothing they can do (not true.)

He has scared both of us with the things he has done, I try not to leave him at home alone with his sisters because of what could happen while I am gone. He is 12, I shouldn't have to worry about these things. But... what if he hurts one of them, what if he gets soooo angry that he actually physically hurts them? I have talked until I am blue in the face and still nothing changes. His pat answer is "I don't know."

When we went to the last counselor, his moods were getting worse almost daily. We go through what I (and the counselor) consider manic periods and what can only be termed extreme periods of deep depression. Her suggestion was to find a psychiatrist who could diagnose him properly and get him the help he needs. I thought this was a good idea, but trying to find one sometime in the next six months is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. The last time I called one they told me to take him to the ER the next time he has a breakdown. WTF??? What is the ER here going to do for my son?

I know this is rambling, but I really don't know what else to do or say. Last night I actually let him have a friend over. They live next door so I figured if there were problems it could be easily fixed. I am sitting next to my front window twenty minutes later when I see my son run through the front yard. What the hell??? How did that happen? I know he didn't levitate past me which leaves the only option being his window.

I called him back to the house and asked if he went out the window...why yes, of course mom, that is what he did. So, I thought about it, I have warned the Soldier before about not going out the window and one warning should be enough, right? I went next door and explained that because my son could not follow the rules, their son could not stay. But, I did say he could come back next weekend if my son could get his act together. I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I just told the Soldier that he didn't follow the rules, therefore his friend could not stay.

What follows is why I am asking you, internets, for help. The Soldier spent 45 minutes screaming and crying and yelling that I ruin everything and that his friend is going to hate him now. Of course he did all of this from the safety of his room after he ran down the stairs and slammed the door. I had to send the Diva next door with the friend's stuff so that they would not see The Soldier's latest meltdown. I am literally lost, I tried to let him have fun and it didn't work...

I spend my life worrying that he will hurt himself or someone else while he is having an episode. I spend my life worrying that he is going to end up incarcerated in one of the places that I work. I spend my life worrying that he is going to sneak out his window one night and not come back. I simply don't know what to do or how to fix this.

So, what about you? Do your children have issues like this? Did they? What did you do to fix it?

I detest other people's kids...or why Asthma sucks!

The Cookie Queen has asthma, and she just started summer school last Thursday. Friday she came home coughing a little bit and by Monday afternoon she was white as a sheet and wheezing so loud C could her coming in off the bus.

I took her to the doctor this morning, and here is why I waited until Wednesday... We never know what is going to happen. The most likely scenario is that she caught a cold from some other germ-infested rugrat on her first or second day at school and brought it home with her. Where any other normal child might just catch a cold and have a snotty nose for a couple of days, the Cookie Queen can have a variety of responses to germs.

She could just get a normal cold (what we were hoping for), she could have a couple of asthma attacks on Friday or Saturday and be fine by Monday (the second choice), or she could get an ear infection and have multiple episodes until this morning when I finally acknowledge that she is REALLY SICK and MUST go to the doctor immediately (what actually happened.)

My asthma was actually worse than hers when I was little and I have been blessed enough to not have severe problems as an adult, but with CQ and the Diva we have to fight every year to get them all the way through school. The Diva missed 15 days this year, and then we had to fight with the school about the absenses b/c we just can't always afford to take her to the doctor for an asthma attack. And really, not every attack requires a trip to the doctor. So, this is my giant gripe for this afternoon...I would really like for the Cookie Queen to enjoy school, but damn people quit sending your snotty children in the path of my baby.

p.s. I know children get sick every day and CQ is no different
p.p.s. I just am so tired of fighting to keep her well.
p.p.p.s. Why is the one who was nursed for 14 months and avoided every no-no item while pregnant with her the sickest???

Has the TV abducted your children???

Let me set the scene for you... The Soldier is walking by the TV on his way to somewhere, when it happens. Yes, he has been sucked into the television again. I don't mean bodily, I mean the kind of sucking in where you can see his eyes glaze over and he freezes in time.

This happens daily, it doesn't matter what is on the TV or where The Soldier is going, he just gets sucked into it. This morning I am fairly sure my 12 year old got sucked into the TV time warp by the Wiggles. What?!!! The Wiggles? I didn't even know they were still on the air, much less that they would fascinate The Soldier. And, it's not just him! The Princess and The Cookie Queen are far from immune, but sure enough that poor 12 year old boy just can't fight off the pull of the TV. All 4 of the kiddos are going to summer school so I kind of feel guilty about making them read or study on the weekends, because they are busy all week. It does not bother me one little bit though to put them all outside at 9 am on a Sunday morning.

So just now, I turned off the TV... the disconnection is immediate! Three little heads turned in my direction as though I had cut off their life support. I said "Good morning, it is summer, put real clothes on and go outside." So now they are sitting on the front porch surrounded by an acre of grass bitching about the fact that they have nothing to do outside. My mom would have lost her mind, we spent everyday from sun up til sun down outside during the summer, sometimes we even ate lunch out there.

So what about you, internets? Has the TV abducted your children?

A letter of apology to C

I know that things are hard right now, and I am sorry that I haven't played my part in trying to make it better. I wanted to apologize for constantly feeding the turmoil in our lives.

I have not been as supportive as you need me to be, and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for being so frustrated by our lives right now. You see, you carried the biggest portion of our relationship for two years. So, when you started falling apart it scared me. I react to being scared by being angry in response. I also really, really like to fix things. When you tell me you don't know how I can fix this I get even more frustrated. You were the person who entered my life like a giant ray of sunshine and showed me that I was loveable, and not permanently damaged. You are the only one in years that I could say anything to, and not be rejected. You are the one who built the confidence I needed to succeed in everything.

For crying out loud, who else was going to teach me defensive tactics and not laugh when I didn't figure it out right away? Who else was going to watch me lose my mind over a bully of a boss and make sure that I was going to be okay, and that the kids would still be taken care of. Who drove to the prison to get me because I was having an anxiety attack and couldn't be trusted to drive?

You did all of those things so I built you up to be something that noone could be forever. You can't always be my savior, you can't fix the parts of me that the stupid ex permanently eff'd up. You can't always be there for me, and I forgot that. I forgot that occasionally you needed me to be the strong one.

I am sorry that I forgot about our partnership, I didn't forget you I just got so wrapped up in trying to fix a certain part of our life that I let other things fall to crap. I built you up to be the permanent strength in our relationship, and figured you didn't need me to be strong for you.

I have never in my life met anyone like you, you take my breath away every day. Noone else I know could have crawled out of what you did to make a life for yourself and the Diva. I am so proud of you every day!

I know that you will never hurt me the way others have, but sometimes I let myself fall into that place that says 'what if'... 'what if' she stops loving me, what if she gets tired of the emotional bullshit? What if she doesn't love me the way I love her? And I know...I know all of that is crap! I know that is just my previous bullshit crowding our life, and I am so sorry for putting you in that place.

And so, I cry while I write this and I hope that you can feel what I am trying so hard to say and that it is coming out the way I need it to. And I promise, here and now, to try (really try) every day to make our home your place of calm. I promise to be there for you for the next 70 years the way you are for me every day. I promise to start walking away (just for 5 minutes) when I start feeling frustrated, and not make you the target of my frustration. I promise to be the strong one right now, because I know you need that.

I love you, I will always love you, you are the first place in my life and your happiness (stability, whatever) is what is most important right now. It is not always about me or our kids, and I see that. Finally, two months into this sad moment I finally see it.

I love you mo chriede,
B

Prolonged Detention...WTF???

I am confused... Did President Obama change places with former president Bush today? Why would he be giving a speech on the value of prolonged detention?

This is the man who two months ago was talking about shutting down Guantanamo permanently, so what happened? I think he has been cowtowed (sp?) by his own party. Yesterday Rachel Maddow (OMG, she's awesome!) was commenting on the fact that the president was going to have to fight with his own party because members of Congress went on record with their arguments against closing Gitmo. Today, the president gives a speech while standing in front of the original constitution regarding prolonged detention.

This is unimaginable... this issue is one of the areas C and I argue most passionately about. She being a marine believes that if we find one terrorist as a result of measures used in Guantanamo,so be it. I believe that we should not use methods we would not want used on our own soldiers.

I just don't know what to think anymore, first Obama refuses to move quickly to take down DADT (don't ask don't tell), and now he has perhaps taken back his desire to immediately close Gitmo. I need to understand, anybody out there got any ideas?

Schooool's out for the summer... oh wait, not yet!

If we all make it through this last week I will be amazed!

We only have this one last week to go, but OMG it seems as though it will never end. The Diva has three days of cheerleading tryouts, the Princess has all kinds of crap during the day for reading counts, the Soldier had his recorder concert last night and Dare graduation and fifth grade graduation today.

If any of you read Mother'sHandbook.net you should read the post on kids functions. That post really encouraged my ability to admit that I was overbooked. This does not mean that your children will be happy with you though. The Princess is pissed that I can't miss work for an hour and a half every day so that she can miss summer school to attend swim meets. The Soldier was pissed (he gets over it quickly) that I couldn't go to Dare and fifth grade graduation because I had to work. I in turn feel like I should paint cabbie checks on the roof of my yellow focus.

I wish schools realized that there are parents out there that don't have an option, we have to work. I sometimes wish that weren't the case, but unfortunately I don't know how to do this any other way.

Next week they all start summer school, but at least the after-school functions will be over for the year. Anyone else feeling overwhelmed??

So that's how you stay employed...

Imagine my excitement when I passed the marker that made me eligible for promotion within my field in the department of corrections... After all I had made the fastest promotion the department had seen in a while when I jumped from Mail Room Supervisor (sounds really important, not!) to Corrections Caseworker I.

I was all set to send off my application (this one section isn't available for online apps yet) when I went to my monthly meeting with my boss in February. Then he dropped a gigantic bomb on all of us. The department has unofficially frozen all positions. That means that we cannot transfer, we cannot promote, hell we can't even demote apparently. Currently there are positions above mine state wide that are open. The problem is the state has frozen everything so we can't go anywhere.

When I first took the position of grievance officer I thought I would love it, alone all the time, writing all the time...yeah right! What I failed to realize is that I feed off other people's energy. When everyone else is panicking over 10-49's (fights) or 10-5's (officer needs assistance immediately) I am in rare form. I love it, the adrenaline is a wonderful thing. Coming down isn't so great, but every one has to have a high right? The grievance job is just plain boring most of the time. They moved my office, so now I am in a closet, and I hate it. I absolutely detest it. But, I am stuck here. Now they are saying it might be January before they unfreeze anything.

Most of all, I really would like to experience a REAL prison. I am well aware that the one I work in could most easily be compared to summer camp. We had two escapes in the early 90's, but since then nothing really interesting has happened. I know I should be thankful, I know I should be happy to have a job, but mostly I just want some excitement! Why do I feel this way and how do I change it now?

Oh, You're a FEMINIST?!: Tyra Takes on Same Sex Marriage

Oh, You're a FEMINIST?!: Tyra Takes on Same Sex Marriage

Tyra Banks has joined the ranks of Jerry Springer...

I normally don't watch talk shows, however I got caught up in Tyra Banks at midnight the other day. You know how nothing is ever on late at night? You have your choice between soft porn and Tyra Banks apparently.

C. and I were talking the other day about the Tyra Banks show and she said "Didn't you hear, Tyra has a new show called 'is gay, The New Black?'. I had no idea and did not go out of my way to find it, but at midnight with soft porn and Tyra I unfortunately chose Tyra. I find it amazing that Tyra could not find three heterosexual people who could speak intelligently without sounding like bigots. I do find the title insulting, and infact said as much to C. when we were first discussing the show. I know that the LGBT community loses far more than it gains by comparing ourselves to the african americans who participated in the civil rights movement. This only creates discord among african americans who feel that a moment of such great importance is suddenly being devalued. I also know that the LGBT community has had members of its commumity tied to barb wire fences, apparently unnoticed by Sandy Rios.

Please visit here to see at least an intro for this show, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roviP_SaAwA, I found it hard to watch without feeling outraged. Has Tyra forgotten Matthew Shepard? How could anyone forget him? How could Tyra not say something to Sandy Rios, president of the Culture Campaign, when she said you can 'stop being gay, you can't stop being black'?

I spent 32 years hiding who I was for fear of losing my family and eventually my children. I know in my heart, I cannot change who I am... I could only hide it for a time. Also, Sandy Rios needs some lessons in tact. When she chooses to accuse the young man who broke down crying of mental and emotional instability, her true colors shine through. She and all others like her are the reason that people hide who they are, and why good people can never hear a well thought out argument against the LGBT community. I would listen to someone who would speak without hate in his/her voice, but I will not listen to someone so full of vitriol and anger.

This post may sound angry, and part of it is... but there is also a huge amount of sadness here. I long for the day when my mother will accept the relationship that C and I have; but, I am also well aware that day may never come. I long to be able walk on the streets in Pella, Iowa (not where I live now) and hold my partner's hand without fear that we may be attacked. Most of all I just want equality. There are 1,164 rights that I lose by not being able to 'marry' my partner while I live in this state. What if I were hurt? Who would get custody of my children? Why does the law say it is okay that they live with an abusive father over my loving partner who would never hurt them? Why is it ok that my mother, not my partner, would be able to decide whether to sign my DNR order when her beliefs are not mine?

I know that there are enough kind heterosexual supporters of the LGBT community to completely overshadow the Sandy Rios' of the world, but those people don't make news. And that is why Tyra's show angered me so. She chose those people like Sandy Rios because they cause a sensation. They cause an emotional build up in people so that they do not listen to rational argument. The show was very much like Jerry Springer with people screaming and yelling and acting in a non-rational manner, which just encourages suspicion and stupidity.

For all her supposed support of the LGBT community Tyra chose her guests for sheer sensationalism and nothing more. She did not want to educate or inform, just look at her choice of shirts for her audience. Red for straight, light blue for gay... why was it necessary to seperate the audience into factions? These are my thoughts, what are yours?