Saturday, July 4, 2009

Go Big or Go Home...

The next few days may very well be the longest of my life...

For the record, my friend Diana disagrees and says that the day Daddy died will be the longest day for the rest of my life.

Monday we will have the visitation. I was planning on taking the little ones from 5-6 pm and then taking them home, because I didn't think they needed 4 hours of visitation. Then Mama called and said I need to be at the house by 11 am so we can have a family meal with Daddy's brothers who are coming in for the funeral and I need to stay until 7 pm for the visitation.

I understand where she is coming from, I really do. I just worry about the babies.

Tuesday is the funeral. We have to be there at 9:30 am and the funeral starts at 10. That will last until 11 or 11:30 and then we will have the meal. Mama is independent fundamental baptist, so they cook a lot. The family and the pall bearers will eat first so we can leave for the grave site on time. Then we will all get in the vehicle and drive to Jefferson Barracks for the burial. Then we are all driving back to her house to go to dinner before the brothers have to leave Wednesday morning.

Mama never does anything ostentatious or loud, but this? This is big. She has made all the arrangements, the casket sounds wonderful, the flowers beautiful, and they are doing a burial with full military honors. I just want it all to be over.

I think my only problem with all of this is that other than my kiddos, I? I I cannot bring C or the Diva to the funeral. Any support that I could get from my wife I will have to get prior to leaving Tuesday morning. On top of that, she has to work Tuesday night. She hasn't been able to take off for any of this, because according to the state of Misery, our relationship doesn't exist.

When I told her last Tuesday that she couldn't go to the funeral, she cried. I haven't seen her cry through any of this, I couldn't even tell you what she ate last weekend. Normally, for the record, I am the caretaker. I always know whether she has eaten, what she ate, if she took her prilosec and what she is doing at any given moment. I have completely lost my ability to be the caretaker.

She didn't cry because she was hurt or angry (which she is), she cried because it is one more way she can't be with me. I tried to explain that every big thing I have done in my life, I have done alone. I have birthed two out of the three babies by myself (stupid wasn't there except for the last two hours on each.) I graduated from boot camp by myself. I even came out to my parents by myself. After a while you just get used to it. But she is right, I shouldn't have to be alone during this and neither should she. This is the part that really, REALLY sucks.


  1. Prejudice is hard to overcome. It can take generations. Each individual, unfortunately, cannot take that time, but they can make their mark for the next generation.

    Try to keep your chin up. It's only a few days out of your life. And then you can come home to your family and get the comfort you need.

  2. @The Mother-thank you. Rationally I know all these things are true, and it will be better for my children. I am just tired and cranky and whiny.

  3. Oh Sugar...oh hun, I am so sorry. C should be able to be there for you and it isn't right that she can't be. I am so sorry...I wish there was something I could do to help. Lots and lots of hugs to you.

  4. @Ilexa, thank you so much! We are done, and I do feel better now. Not great, but better