Wednesday, July 1, 2009

In a fog...

So, now I have had a whopping 5 hours of sleep and I feel almost human.

Mama called this morning and asked me if I slept. Why yes, I fell asleep at two and slept til 7. Then she said I should call her if I needed to talk. I still can't talk coherently about any of this. I keep repeating shit and I am sure my friends are all tired of hearing about it.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, because I kept thinking I didn't tell him goodbye. I told him he did a good job, and he was so strong, but I didn't tell him I would see him again. And, I can't get that image out of my head. I am 34 years old and I feel like a 9 year old, who just can't focus. What do I do about that?

How do you wrap your head around the fact that the man who has been your dad since you were two is gone? I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do. I told my Princess that he would be okay. My fairy princess (aka the cookie queen) cried like her heart was breaking. She is 5, he was her dat! How do I make that better for them? And what do I tell my son??? My daddy was the only full time male presence he had in his life.

This just sucks, and I wish I could wake up and it would all be done. How immature is that?


  1. Becca: I'm coming into all of this very late. I am so sorry.

    Not being a religious person, I nonetheless have found some comfort in the Yiskor liturgy.

    It is the gift of each generation to the next to relinquish the world, making room for their children.

    You have my thoughts.

  2. i'm very sorry to hear about your loss.
    at least you have little ones to keep you full of life and keep your attention elsewhere.
    my prayers are with you.

  3. @The mother- thank you so much for your comment, I really liked that Yiskor liturgy. I never thought about it like that.

    @Melissa-thank you so much, I am very happy to have my children here I just wish they could stay longer. They have the funeral on Tuesday, and then they leave for Atlanta for two weeks. That is the part that really sucks.