Friday, July 24, 2009

Why am I sooooo angry??

I woke up this morning, and I was pissed. Not irritated, not grumpy, just pissed.

I don't know where this is coming from. Well, I take that back, I do know. I feel like at least part of my life was left back there almost a month ago when Daddy died. My sis was angry at the beginning, she said it helped her. I don't think it is helping me. It feels like I can't get this rock off my chest.

People will ask me what is wrong, and my brain is thinking "duh, whaddya think is wrong with me?" But then (until today at home), I am nice and brush them off. "Nothing's wrong, I am fine, just fine."

This is the part of me that hates working at a prison. I can't be sad and mopey in front of the offenders, I can't be sad and mopey in front of my boss. I tell new employees all the time, 'fake it until you make it.' But I haven't faked it in about three years. I like my job, I enjoy almost all aspects of it. But, right now I don't want to be there. I don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to anyone.

I teach a class to about 20 offenders, and I know it is slower right now than the last class I taught. I keep telling myself I have to pick up the pace, but I don't know how. I cannot bring myself to care about it right now.

I feel bad for being such a grouch, but I don't know how to stop. I feel like no one wants to hear about my sob story anymore, but I can't make it go away.

I yelled at C tonight and I just couldn't stop. Then I came out of my bedroom, and the Diva was sitting there listening in on our conversation so I yelled at her too. Ack! I know better than to behave like this, it makes me worry that I will drive the people I love most away.

Part of me feels like it would be better to just be left totally alone, but then I'm all 'wait, come back, don't leave!' Then C said she understood, mmmm no, don't think she really does. I don't know how anyone who hasn't gone through this understands, and I know that sounds mean too.

Make it stop!! Maybe if I remind myself to breathe it will all work out, but it doesn't feel like it right now.


  1. Anger is good. Be angry. I have not lost my father, but I did lose my child...and being angry, in retrospect, was very good for me. (and to be really honest, there are times where I am still angry, though it is fading, and I lost Mia a year ago in May) So be angry. And you can blast this post to all Hell if it makes you feel better.

  2. @ Ilexa, thanks! I don't want to blast anybody, but I am torn between being so sad I don't want to breathe and being so angry I may never stop screaming.

  3. (((HUGS))) I know this doesn't help right now but I want to let you know anyways. It is NORMAL. Normal to be so angry, all you want to do is scream until you pass out. Normal to be so sad, you wish your heart would just stop so the pain would quit. Normal. Lots and lots of love and hugs being sent your way.

    That old saying "Time heals everything". It is a crap saying. It isn't true. Time doesn't heal everything, all time does is eventually wear the rough edges away so you can breath again. I understand and it hurts like a sunovabitch right now. (((HUGS)))