Love the life you have...

I used to tell Crys that I try to be content in wherever I find myself. I must say that in the last 4 months that has beein increasingly hard to do. I say all that to say this...

When you wake up in the morning and you are comfortable in your skin, you are where you need to be. Even if you have to take vacation to get there, try to find it!! I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day that I go to work, I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day as a mom. But, I know that I am comfortable in my skin every single day in my relationship with my wife. Crys is the best friend I never knew I needed, and she gives me everything I could ever want. My life may not be normal compared to some people, but what is normal? Why would we ever want to go back to 'vanilla'?

I love my wild, crazy, abnormal life!! Just my thought for the day!! :)

Really, still no equal rights for LGBT????

I was going to write a post about how Don't ask Don't Tell has finally been declared unconstitutional, and how wonderful that is, but then C brought up the fact that we (as a couple, and as individuals) are still not being given equal rights on a daily basis. In fact, she had been thinking about her own blog post, but I asked and she doesn't feel ready, or just won't, or whatever. So here goes, I hope I can do her thoughts justice!

We've always known DADT is unconstitutional. Even when C and I were both in the military, we knew. Neither of us were OUT then, and we both were trying so hard to live in the roles we were born in to. However, now we both know in our hearts the other pieces of our lives that are unconstitutional.

We have no protection as a couple, or as individual citizens under the law in our state. If you look at it and bend the glass a bit, our not being allowed to marry is also a violation of our first amendment rights. We, unlike other Americans, are not allowed the freedom of expression that others enjoy. We would love to freely express the depth of our love together by marrying. I do not look at marriage as a religious contract, but rather a civil contract. After all, we would then be protected at hospitals, when we try to adopt, and on our death beds.

No one would be able to keep her from me if I were dying, and vice versa. Let me tell you, right now that is one of the things that scares me most. If I am gone, no judge will tell her she can keep the two children who still live with us. If she is gone, no one will be able to stop her crazy-ass mother from coming down here to get The Diva.

And yet...we work for the State. We can't hold hands in public (in most places), we can't get married, for God's sake we can't even smoke in a restaraunt!! That last part is meant lightly, but think about it. I often think about the fact that they will legalize marijuana, shortly after they outlaw smoking in public.

We uphold the laws of the State of Misery, we protect the people of this state from those they would all remain seperate from, and yet there is no protection for us. I am not allowed to use the size of our family to qualify for any services whatsoever, because we are not one unit under the law. And yet, when I tried to qualify my children for reduced lunch fees, we were counted as one unit, and suddenly made too much money!! I can't qualify for family status on my benefits at work, and heaven help me, if she were killed while working (or vice versa) they wouldn't give us administrative leave to attend the other's funeral because we are not legally wed. People I know think that I am too serious about this, but I simply ask what if you were suddenly told you couldn't marry because your potential heterosexual partner was of a different race, ethnic group, or religion? I bet you'd take it just as seriously.

So, we keep fighting, I will continue to bring this topic to light at work, and we keep working to protect the citizens of the State Of Misery!!

Feminine or Masculine?

So, C and I were talking the other day about how we were feeling. Both of us have been a little down and out, with K's birthday tomorrow (the child in Texas) and other life events. C said that when she is feeling needy, or like she hates her body, etc. that makes her feel feminine. And so I asked (in my wise verbal judo corrections voice) "Is that a bad thing?" And she said yes. She doesn't like to feel feminine because it makes her feel weak, and that is always bad.

I thought about that for a while because I am not hardly ever masculine. I am dominant in many, many ways. I am sometimes (ok mostly) aggressive, almost always abrupt, and yet I am still rarely masculine. I like that I am feminine, it is the part of me that I most enjoy. For me feminine doesn't mean I always wear makeup (ok, hardly ever) or skirts and heels, it just is who I am.

To me being feminine is the epitomy of who I am, who I most want to be. I want to be able to be soft, kind, fair... all of those things that word makes me think of. I've never viewed it as being weak. I know she wasn't downgrading me for being feminine, after all it is not always about me. But still I'm left wondering, why does feminine to her signal weakness?

Does it mean she has to ask for help, or that she needs me to reassure her that I am still here, still interested in her? I know you all know those people, the ones who in an offhand way will ask "Who is the guy in the relationship?" She is not a guy, thank the Goddess!! She is this wonderfully strong, beautiful, vibrant woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But, if I think about her in relation to me, she is kind of masculine. I view her as my protector, she is the only person I am ever submissive with. I love when we go out and she wears the tie or the suspenders with the fedora, and this lovely blue silk shirt, but even then she always wears her hair down. She is not so butch that people would ever mistake her for a man, and I am fairly sure that we get our fair share of weird looks as people question the idea of two femmes being together.

Trust me folks, she is NOT a femme. She would find that laughable, but I have seen her wear eyeliner. I guess my question is, what makes her masculine to my feminine? How did we find our perfect opposite in each other? How does it work out that I had to have someone stronger than myself to keep me sane, and she was right here at the right time? Am I the only one who asks these questions?

Is there someone to catch you if you fall?

Ok, so most people that know me know that I love So You Think You Can Dance. Mia Michaels is perhaps my favorite choreagrapher in my whole life. People that watch will understand when I say it is apparent she has had a hard life. Anyway, she said something after one of the dances yesterday that just really touched me. She said "It is such a blessing to be able to let go, be vulnerable enough and know that someone is there to catch you if you fall." Forgive me if I got part of that wrong, but you get my gist.

I consider myself blessed to be in the presence of my partner on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. I never felt safe before I met her. I had lived for 32 years knowing that I was not worthy of love, that I had invariably done something wrong long ago that made me unworthy. We have been together for 3 1/2 years now, and it took me two years to stop shying away from her when she put her hand on my face. It took a long time to quell the fear that I would do something wrong and she would leave. Now, after a lot of hard work, I understand that I am worthy of love. I have worth and value, not just for my brain, but for my soul.

I have learned that life is not fair. As my boss would say, "The fair is a place you take your pig", lol! I have learned that it is not always even-stevens. At times one of us is holding the other up, supporting the other, loving the other more than they are receiving. And beyond all else, I know she will catch me if I fall. This has enabled me to take huge risks, both personally and professionally. It helps me to trust her every day because I know I am there for her and she is here for me. I once wrote a list of 50 things I love about her, and at the top of my list is her strength and her heart. Anyone who knows a Marine will understand, they have to have the strength and heart of a lion. She has never given up, she will never give up. She tells me all the time, anything worth having is worth fighting every day for.

I just finished a movie (more like a documentary) called "Edie and Thea: A Very Long Engagement." I would encourage you all to see it. If you are straight or gay and don't believe in gay marriage, please watch this. These women spent almost 44 years together, and they are phenomenal! Watching these women look at each other with such love after 40 years gives me hope. There is such a tenderness and caring there, I wish all people could find that in their lives. I want to look at C like that when I'm almost 80, I want to see her grin and say "Loves Ya" when she is 82! I am happy that I know who will catch me when I fall, do you have someone to catch you??

C really is a Vampire Princess!!!

So, C decided to go to the doctor as she has been sick (cough due to cold, anyone???) for a minute now. That is an offender minute by the way, not an irl minute, so it could last from 20 minutes to 49 years. Just so you know...

Anyway, the doc was concerned so he ordered blood tests and we got the results yesterday. She, my lovely wife, is... Vitamin D Deficient!! Apparently the numbers on an average human should run between 50 and 100. While C is hovering at 5.6. Not 46, but 5.6!! I have never even heard of someone being Vitamin D deficient, so I really never knew that it could make you sick. Like, really, really don't want to get out of bed, look like a truck ran over you sick. Apparently, that is exactly what happens.

So now she has to take some gel tab thing once a week for a helluva long time, and then we get to go back and re-draw her blood. By the why drawing her blood is like looking for a needle in a haystack, or something equally difficult. 3 years ago it took 5 chemo nurses 11 sticks for 9 tubes of blood just to find out she has some random clotting disorder. Fun stuff huh???

I am so looking forward to having to force her to take meds to fix this little issue...NOT!! And, the Doc says something bizarre about how she is not absorbing the Vitamin D from the sun like she is supposed to. Well duh...she works evenings. She sleeps in the afternoon, and rarely goes out before dark. Why would this be a problem??

So here's to the princess of darkness, the love of my life!! :)

Why are some things not as important??

So, being a good lesbian blogger (oh sorry, are you surprised??) I try to engage my partner whenever I can. When I see a good conversation starter I tell her about it, or ask her opinion. I have asked her several times recently because a friend of mine (Sasha) is a great conversation starter.

Sometimes if I want to leave a comment on another site that I think C might feel would compromise her (or our) privacy, I will ask her if it is okay. Most of the time she simply says she doesn't care. BUT... if I want to put pics up of our children, then she gets all bent about it. I guess that is what I don't understand. If it's okay for me to share intimate details about our personal lives with a person whom I consider a friend, but don't *know* in *real life*, then why is it not okay for me to share details about our children?? I don't really want to show their faces, but I think it would be cool to put certain things on this page.

I feel obligated to ask her, hello...it's her life too, but I don't think I want to know the answer sometimes. She doesn't care about blogging in general, or mine in specific most times. I, on the other hand, feel like I've built some really good friendships (in a loose sense) out in the great wide web. Do you all ever have this issue?? How do you, *I*, resolve it? I can't force her to care about everything I do, because hello...I'm never going to care how a car goes together, but it would be nice if I could share this with her more often. Any thoughts???

I miss my wife!!

Ok, I know everybody works and I know we all work hard, but seriously??? I'm tired and I'm done! I want C to work a normal shift, so we can have a normal family. I know I sound mean, hateful, whatever you want to call it. I'm just tired of never seeing her. I used to celebrate our anniversary every month, but I forgot a few months ago and suddenly time just flies by. I just want to spend some quality time with her by myself. Every time I say that, out loud or in my head, I feel like a selfish bitch. I'm just afraid we are going to wake up one day and not have anything to say to each other. I haven't seen her awake in two days and I'm lonely. There you go, I said it. And now I sound like some 2 year old brat. But really, I miss my best friend!!

I am still here, and an update on C!

So, I haven't been here in almost two weeks. Ack, the pain!! I love blogging, I just ran out of time with the birthday party for the Diva and trying to find the gumption to work while at work and worrying my butt off about my wife.

The Diva's party was wonderful, the boyfriend who isn't a boyfriend and his parents and the rest of his siblings (run-on much, I KNOW!!!) went to mexican and then bowling. I think she loved it, and we actually got a pic of her and the boy smiling (talk about labor intensive.)

C went to the workman's comp doctor again on Tuesday. For those of you that don't know, she wrenched all of the tendon's in her elbow while trying not to fall down the stairs of the tower at work about 6 months ago. Two cortisone shots later and four weeks of stupid physical therapy, she is still in pain. She had to recertify for the firing range on Thursday and Friday. By Friday when they qualified on the pistol, her supervisor had to hold the damn holster so she could get the pistol out and fire. So, she told the doc all that yesterday, and he said well the only thing left is surgery.

She said okay, which shocked me because she hates surgery and hospitals and all that crap. I guess that means she hurts worse than she tells me, which means she is in more pain than anybody knows. And still...people at work seem to feel she is faking it. So, there you have it internets, I am worried for her but if she doesn't do this the damage may be permanent. If it isn't already because they have waited sooooo long. What do you think?

Four reasons visiting Des Moines isn't good for me, and two that I love!

1. I gained 5 pounds in 4 days.
2. I was stuck in a house the size of a postage stamp for three days with all four children, two dogs, and my lovely wife.
3. I have to hear about my father-in-law's new girlfriends (Yes, I said GIRLFRIENDS!)
4. I had to refrain from beating my sister-in-law's ass.

The reasons I love Des Moines.

1. Smitty's makes the best tenderloin EVAH!!!
2. I got to spend time with my lovely wife, and we weren't in a prison.

We didn't get to go there for a social call, my wife's grandmother (who she loved like a mom) passed on Monday afternoon. C and I have now put everyone on notice...we are getting off this roller coaster now! No one else is allowed to have a problem for a little bit, while we regain our bearings. And, we still didn't get to get married.

Parent Sex (yes, I said sex!)

So, have you all ever had parent sex? You know the kind, where you look at your partner and say "If I wasn't so tired, I'd eat you up!" Somebody shared that with me as a joke today, but I see the reality in it.

My wife (partner, baby mama, whatever) and I work different shifts. She works third shift and I work second. That means when I am almost ready to come home, she is going to work. Last week we went three whole days without seeing each other awake.

When I first met C I could wait until midnight when she got home and then we could talk or cuddle or whatever (wiggles eyebrows suggestively). Now that we have lived together for almost 3 years, we are both tired. TIRED!! I want to be able to be with her more than just the weekends when we are both home. Technically we aren't even home together on Saturday. She still has to work, and I try to let her sleep. Sometimes I will see her for about 3 hours before she has to go back to work. It really just sucks. There is no other word for it.

I really enjoy the time we spend together. I know there are couples that get tired of each other and need a break, but we have never been like that. I truly crave her company, she is the best friend I have ever had. Normally we have two times a year that we are alone together. Either New Years or her birthday and Pride Weekend. This summer because of all the stuff (read earlier posts) that happened, I was unable to be with her for Pride. And she was at home alone with our kiddos. It has been almost 9 months since our last time alone, and I neeeeeed it. As in NOW, right now, today, not tomorrow, not next week. And I can't have it. We can't change our schedules until they put bids up for her. We can't do anything about it. And that sucks!

Just thought I'd vent a little, hope y'all understand!

Mo Anam Cara

A couple of days ago, before the stomach flu laid (layed?) me out, I said I was going to introduce my partner to my blog.

I met her two and a half (almost) years ago. Have you ever seen someone from across a room and just had a sense right then that they would become the most important person in your world, beside your children? Mo chriede (my heart) is that to me. Honestly, I went to a work party and she came up behind me and I turned around and it happened...bam! I tell people all the time it really wouldn't have mattered to me if she were a man or a woman, our souls connected at that point.

I know that sounds cheesy, and I have had people argue with me several times over the validity of my statement but it is true. I knew growing up that I felt differently about men and women than most of the people around me, but I grew up in the south as a rigid southern baptist. What do most southern baptist women grow up to do? Why they get married and have babies of course! So, I got out of the Navy and met my children's father. I thought he was perfect. Of course he wasn't and I wasn't either. I spent the last year and a half of high school in foster care, and I was looking for someone (anyone) to love me. T was that man. It didn't matter how many times he hit me, or got drunk, or did drugs, he loved me. He said it all the time so it must have been true, right? The tipping point was when (three weeks before the cookie queen came along) he pointed a loaded weapon at my head. After six months of storing money and planning I escaped. Anyway, this is not supposed to be about me.

Fast forward three years, and I met C. Instantaneously I knew why I felt different growing up. This is the adult relationship I had been waiting all my life for. I talk about her almost all the time, I miss her whenever she isn't here, I can't imagine life without her. We have had some of the best experiences of our lives together, and some of the worst. I was there for her when her grandmother quit recognizing her and was diagnosed with cancer. She was there for me when I came out to my family, including my ex. It is hard to explain exactly what she means to me. I just like to say that she is everything to me. She is my best friend, soulmate, lover. She understands better than anyone else how I feel.

So, now we are trying to decide whether to move to Iowa to get married. She is from Iowa, so most of it depends on job options for me. She can transfer, but I really can't. I have a degree in history, but no teaching certificate, so I am left with few options. All I know is that I go where she goes, and I will for the rest of my life. I cannot wait until we are old together sitting on the porch swing, rocking the grandbabies. I am soooo blessed to have her.