Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Feminine or Masculine?

So, C and I were talking the other day about how we were feeling. Both of us have been a little down and out, with K's birthday tomorrow (the child in Texas) and other life events. C said that when she is feeling needy, or like she hates her body, etc. that makes her feel feminine. And so I asked (in my wise verbal judo corrections voice) "Is that a bad thing?" And she said yes. She doesn't like to feel feminine because it makes her feel weak, and that is always bad.

I thought about that for a while because I am not hardly ever masculine. I am dominant in many, many ways. I am sometimes (ok mostly) aggressive, almost always abrupt, and yet I am still rarely masculine. I like that I am feminine, it is the part of me that I most enjoy. For me feminine doesn't mean I always wear makeup (ok, hardly ever) or skirts and heels, it just is who I am.

To me being feminine is the epitomy of who I am, who I most want to be. I want to be able to be soft, kind, fair... all of those things that word makes me think of. I've never viewed it as being weak. I know she wasn't downgrading me for being feminine, after all it is not always about me. But still I'm left wondering, why does feminine to her signal weakness?

Does it mean she has to ask for help, or that she needs me to reassure her that I am still here, still interested in her? I know you all know those people, the ones who in an offhand way will ask "Who is the guy in the relationship?" She is not a guy, thank the Goddess!! She is this wonderfully strong, beautiful, vibrant woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But, if I think about her in relation to me, she is kind of masculine. I view her as my protector, she is the only person I am ever submissive with. I love when we go out and she wears the tie or the suspenders with the fedora, and this lovely blue silk shirt, but even then she always wears her hair down. She is not so butch that people would ever mistake her for a man, and I am fairly sure that we get our fair share of weird looks as people question the idea of two femmes being together.

Trust me folks, she is NOT a femme. She would find that laughable, but I have seen her wear eyeliner. I guess my question is, what makes her masculine to my feminine? How did we find our perfect opposite in each other? How does it work out that I had to have someone stronger than myself to keep me sane, and she was right here at the right time? Am I the only one who asks these questions?


  1. I have to ask--why do you, of all people, care about out-moded gender roles?

    Roles that have been enforced by society do not really have any bearing on reality. Reality is what we make it.

  2. You are not the only one asking these questions... And I have to say, just because you are asking the questions, doesn't mean you particularly "care" about gender roles in your relationship.

    I think you are merely making observations.

    Keep observing. All around you. Reality really IS what we make it.


  3. Hmmm. Sometimes, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of gendering behavior. Even within my marriage, there's a lot of bleeding over. My husband is a lot more "nurturing" than I am... I'm more pragmatic and far less diplomatic than him. In the end, the idea is that the two people match up, I don't know that it matters about feminine or masculine. It just matters that you love each other. Which clearly you do.

  4. @ The Mother-I know I was using words generally assigned to genders, but I don't believe that we look at it in gender-specific ways. I don't think anyone could look at C and think masculine = male, but I still believe that she is masculine. Maybe, I used the wrong terminology.

    @Elle-thanks so much!!

    @Faiqa- Yes, I am blessed that we love each other so much! Sometimes though, it is interesting to disect the way we are with each other.