Saturday, May 30, 2009

A letter of apology to C

I know that things are hard right now, and I am sorry that I haven't played my part in trying to make it better. I wanted to apologize for constantly feeding the turmoil in our lives.

I have not been as supportive as you need me to be, and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for being so frustrated by our lives right now. You see, you carried the biggest portion of our relationship for two years. So, when you started falling apart it scared me. I react to being scared by being angry in response. I also really, really like to fix things. When you tell me you don't know how I can fix this I get even more frustrated. You were the person who entered my life like a giant ray of sunshine and showed me that I was loveable, and not permanently damaged. You are the only one in years that I could say anything to, and not be rejected. You are the one who built the confidence I needed to succeed in everything.

For crying out loud, who else was going to teach me defensive tactics and not laugh when I didn't figure it out right away? Who else was going to watch me lose my mind over a bully of a boss and make sure that I was going to be okay, and that the kids would still be taken care of. Who drove to the prison to get me because I was having an anxiety attack and couldn't be trusted to drive?

You did all of those things so I built you up to be something that noone could be forever. You can't always be my savior, you can't fix the parts of me that the stupid ex permanently eff'd up. You can't always be there for me, and I forgot that. I forgot that occasionally you needed me to be the strong one.

I am sorry that I forgot about our partnership, I didn't forget you I just got so wrapped up in trying to fix a certain part of our life that I let other things fall to crap. I built you up to be the permanent strength in our relationship, and figured you didn't need me to be strong for you.

I have never in my life met anyone like you, you take my breath away every day. Noone else I know could have crawled out of what you did to make a life for yourself and the Diva. I am so proud of you every day!

I know that you will never hurt me the way others have, but sometimes I let myself fall into that place that says 'what if'... 'what if' she stops loving me, what if she gets tired of the emotional bullshit? What if she doesn't love me the way I love her? And I know...I know all of that is crap! I know that is just my previous bullshit crowding our life, and I am so sorry for putting you in that place.

And so, I cry while I write this and I hope that you can feel what I am trying so hard to say and that it is coming out the way I need it to. And I promise, here and now, to try (really try) every day to make our home your place of calm. I promise to be there for you for the next 70 years the way you are for me every day. I promise to start walking away (just for 5 minutes) when I start feeling frustrated, and not make you the target of my frustration. I promise to be the strong one right now, because I know you need that.

I love you, I will always love you, you are the first place in my life and your happiness (stability, whatever) is what is most important right now. It is not always about me or our kids, and I see that. Finally, two months into this sad moment I finally see it.

I love you mo chriede,

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