Two Years

It has been two years today since my Daddy passed. I am still sad. Not everyday, but some days I wake up and think "I need to tell Daddy"... and then I realize I don't get to tell him anything because he is gone. I miss him, and some days it feels like it was just yesterday that he was here with us.

I hate that my Mama is still so sad, but I believe I understand. I hate to hear people say "She'll get over it." Really? I mean really, would you get over losing your best friend? I don't think I would after 32 years.

Things are better most days, but I still miss him. I grieve for the fact that he will never see his great grandbabies. I grieve for the fact that the first time my mother sat down to have dinner with my wife, he was not here.

I believe that he is still here with us in our hearts, and that is how we breathe in and out every day and keep on moving. He would expect nothing less.

"Life is about finding balance" - KNA

Love the life you have...

I used to tell Crys that I try to be content in wherever I find myself. I must say that in the last 4 months that has beein increasingly hard to do. I say all that to say this...

When you wake up in the morning and you are comfortable in your skin, you are where you need to be. Even if you have to take vacation to get there, try to find it!! I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day that I go to work, I know that I am not comfortable in my skin every day as a mom. But, I know that I am comfortable in my skin every single day in my relationship with my wife. Crys is the best friend I never knew I needed, and she gives me everything I could ever want. My life may not be normal compared to some people, but what is normal? Why would we ever want to go back to 'vanilla'?

I love my wild, crazy, abnormal life!! Just my thought for the day!! :)

So, what happened??

I had surgery on the 20th, and they let me know Thursday that I was all clear. They took two pre-cancerous papillomas and a mass the size of a golf ball out of my left breast. Which begs the question, how can they take that much out and my breast is still the same size? I am now on a horrendous amount of antibiotics, because they believe that the two lumps they found under the nipple are infected lymph nodes. Then in six months I will have another mammogram and ultrasound. I seriously was really crazy by the time they told me because it took a long damn time!!

I am hopeful that this means the craziness is over in my house for a while. We are trying to move, spending time with the middle daughter who is home for the summer. I sure do wish she would stay.

Thank you to all my friends who spent the day with me, or called, or wrote to ask if I was alright, and a special thank you to Crys (my love, my wife) who held my hand and explained what they did over and over to a groggy crazy lady with too much anesthesia!! :)

What are you scared of?

I know what I am scared of. Some of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning know what I am scared of.

I am scared of death. When my Daddy died, I kept thinking this can't really be happening. I believe in feelings. When someone tells me to pay attention to the hairs on the back of my neck, I believe them. I used to think that was crazy, but I have learned. I learned through Daddy's illness and death, that those feelings are real. When you know in your gut, that something bad is going to happen, believe it.

It has been a long two years. I can't sleep, or maybe it is that I don't sleep. I wake up at all hours of the night, and then I am through. I hate that I can't really rest without the aid of chemicals. Don't worry, I don't take them often. I take a little white pill (ambien) maybe once or twice a month, and those are the only times that I really rest.

I am getting ready to have surgery this Friday, to have two lumps removed from my left breast. And now... now I don't want to sleep. I think I have the pain tolerance to do this without the sedative. I am scared. I have cried for three days. I don't think I would be so scared if I didn't have this gut feeling, but I do. I learned, Oh my goodness have I learned, that we as humanity are not immortal. It doesn't stop me from praying, from hoping, from thinking that I am crazy. I wish to God, Goddess, whoever that I could be dreaming, but I don't think that will help.

I have learned that none of our time here is infinite, and none of us know the time of our own ending. There is so much left to do, and yes you are probably all right, I am panicking for no reason. All I know is that I have this feeling, and I hate it, and I just want to be done with this now. I'm scared.

How do we teach our daughter's better?

I went shopping with the Diva today for the prom dress. She is going with a boy as a friend only, which I appreciate because she is still going to have a good time without all the boyfriend pressure.

What I really want to talk about though is the pressure that the Diva feels to be thin and pretty. To give you an idea, she is 5'3" and about 118 pounds. She fluctuates about 5 or 10 pounds, depending on when track season starts. Last year when looking for the perfect 8th grade dance dress she wore a size 4. This year for homecoming she still wore a size 4. Today we had to go up to a size 6. I seriously thought she was going to cry.

We don't focus on looks in our house. I'm a big girl, but I've always been a big girl so this is all I know. I remember the pressure my mom and Mawmaw put on me to diet while I was growing up, and I hated every minute of it. We try to make sure (as best we are able) that the Diva eats 3 healthy meals a day and that she doesn't skip. If I don't watch her she will occasionally skip breakfast, and of course I don't know that she actually eats the lunch she takes to school. I believe her when she tells me she does.

So my question is this, other than encouraging positive body image in our house, how do we keep her from worrying about her weight? Y'all should see her, she is so pretty. She is this tiny, petite little thing with an outstanding personality, but I hate for her to worry so about it.

I know I think "what's the big deal between a 4 and a 6, at least it's not a twenty." The dress was by a different designer, but she is still fretting about it. I want her to grow up with a healthy body image, but short of locking her in her bedroom and taking away her tv and computer I don't know how to keep her from worrying. Then I worry, what a vicious cycle.

Ok... a post about "Sister Wives"

How are you all doing? I thought we could have a light discussion about 'Sister Wives'.

I don't watch very much reality television. We watch Amazing Race and So You Think You Can Dance, but we don't watch any (up to now) that involve people's supposed 'real' relationships.

I was intrigued by Sister Wives to begin with just because it is unusual. Y'all understand, it's kind of like watching a train wreck. You just can't look away.

I was really impressed by the format of the show, it's not at all like other 'relationship' based reality shows with the constant fighting and arguing. There is no screaming, and they all seem to be very in tune with their needs and the needs of their kids.

We were discussing bizarre behavior that people exhibit while I was at work today, and I said "basically you can do what you want in your own home, as long as you don't attract undue attention by buying large amounts of weapons (just an example), or punishing your wife and children outside your home." So I ask, do you all think that all of the attention being given to the 'legality' of sister wives Kody Brown is brought about because he is on television showing off his lifestyle, or do you think someone would have eventually made life difficult for them all either way?

I don't know how I feel about it. I am a tolerant individual, and I pretty much don't care what you do in your home as long as it is not forced on me. Technically speaking Kody is not breaking any laws, he is only legally married to one of the women. My point here, I guess, is that if it works for their family and the females involved were all consenting adults then what business is it of anyone elses? Is it any different than enjoying a polyamorous lifestyle, with a little religion thrown in on the side?

And can I just say, I find their honesty about their issues to be refreshing. I find the hierarchy interesting, kind of like watching a sociology experiment gone viral. What are your thoughts?

National Crime Victim's recognition week

I am no longer a victim, I am forever more a survivor.
I have survived my past, grown, and am constantly moving forward.
Even if I have saved no one else, I saved my last child.
She will (hopefully) never know the pain of a violent home.
If you have friends who are suffering...

Don't give up! Please, I know there were friends who tried to help me.
When your friend is tired of the shit, tired of lying to her or himself...
When they are tired of the constant fear, knowing you are there will be a blessing.
Be there for them. If you are living with violence now, then get help.
Know that it won't last forever. Know that in the end, you make the decision.

The decision whether to live or die in the violence you survive in daily.
Get out, save yourself and your children (even if they don't exist yet!)
It will be the hardest, best choice you have ever made!