Why am I sooooo angry??

I woke up this morning, and I was pissed. Not irritated, not grumpy, just pissed.

I don't know where this is coming from. Well, I take that back, I do know. I feel like at least part of my life was left back there almost a month ago when Daddy died. My sis was angry at the beginning, she said it helped her. I don't think it is helping me. It feels like I can't get this rock off my chest.

People will ask me what is wrong, and my brain is thinking "duh, whaddya think is wrong with me?" But then (until today at home), I am nice and brush them off. "Nothing's wrong, I am fine, just fine."

This is the part of me that hates working at a prison. I can't be sad and mopey in front of the offenders, I can't be sad and mopey in front of my boss. I tell new employees all the time, 'fake it until you make it.' But I haven't faked it in about three years. I like my job, I enjoy almost all aspects of it. But, right now I don't want to be there. I don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to anyone.

I teach a class to about 20 offenders, and I know it is slower right now than the last class I taught. I keep telling myself I have to pick up the pace, but I don't know how. I cannot bring myself to care about it right now.

I feel bad for being such a grouch, but I don't know how to stop. I feel like no one wants to hear about my sob story anymore, but I can't make it go away.

I yelled at C tonight and I just couldn't stop. Then I came out of my bedroom, and the Diva was sitting there listening in on our conversation so I yelled at her too. Ack! I know better than to behave like this, it makes me worry that I will drive the people I love most away.

Part of me feels like it would be better to just be left totally alone, but then I'm all 'wait, come back, don't leave!' Then C said she understood, mmmm no, don't think she really does. I don't know how anyone who hasn't gone through this understands, and I know that sounds mean too.

Make it stop!! Maybe if I remind myself to breathe it will all work out, but it doesn't feel like it right now.

Damn bulldogs!!!

Elrod ruptured his cornea last night. I don't know why it has to be the one who is worth twice more than his sister. He is the one with the skin problems, and now this.

We had an emergency surgery at 8:00pm to save the eye, and hopefully they'll be able to take the stitches out Saturday morning. I don't know for sure. Thank God for the Diva, without her paying attention we probably wouldn't have found it until this morning. Thank God for C, without her yelling at the very stupid vet tech, they probably would have convinced the Doc to take the eye without looking at it.

Thank God that it was Elrod, and not Lucy (breathing problems) otherwise we probably would have lost her.

I told his Mama D last night (our co-owner) that I didn't care if he ever showed again, I just don't want him to lose his eye. We are holding out hope.

Also, thank the Goddess (confused yet??) that the other 3 kiddos weren't at home, only two hysterical women needed at once... thank you very much!

p.s. I am hoping to post pics from our trip to the St.Louis Art museum this weekend, it was lovely. They have Degas' dancer and Monet's Waterlilies. I am in love forever!!

My Sister's Keeper

I took the Diva to see My Sister's Keeper tonight. It is a fairly sad movie and although C would sit through it with me (and probably will once it is in stores), I thought she has been through enough lately.

It is a good movie, moving, sad, somewhat uplifting, but all in all a good movie. Here's the bad part though...If you read the book don't expect the movie to hold a candle to it.

I liked it, I just wish it hadn't been the very first Jodi Picoult book that I read. I love her, I love her writing even though she makes me cry every time. Sometimes that is cathartic, I think.

The other problem is I probably won't be able to convince the Diva to read the book, she is still working on Breaking Dawn. So, I sat there and didn't say anything when the end went in an unexpected direction. She won't know what she is missing and neither will C, so the only person I could really talk to about it is my sister. She would go on a complete tangent with this one, I promise.

In other news, the Soldier, the Princess and the Fairy Princess are all in Hotlanta for the next two weeks, so I am trying to figure out how to fill my time on the weekends. We are off to the museum on Sunday, and I think that will be wicked fun.

And... the low here tonight is going to be 57, hooray for open windows and bulldogs that can breathe b/c the humidity finally went away!!! Yippee!

And the winner is...

Me???

Gosh, I hope so! I interviewed today at a level 5 (maximum security) institution for the position of functional unit manager. The FUM is the manager of the housing unit, supervising offenders, classification staff, and custody staff.

I think it went well, there were only two questions that I had to make up on the spot answers. This is my first time interviewing for this position, it took three interviews to become a caseworker, so I am not overwhelmingly optimistic.

However... they did offer me a tour of the institution (sweet!) and I think they have already called my boss!

I felt a little nervous at the beginning, where I had to just say "Becca get over it! It is just an interview!!" Tomorrow I will going back to being a simple grievance officer, but today? Today was good!

In other news, did anybody besides Adrenaline's Shadow see So You Think You Can Dance? Wonderful choreography in the 'addiction' piece by Mia Michaels. She rawks!

Wonderful days...

So, Tuesday has come and gone. It was a wonderful service, and my brother did an outstanding job. He was so strong for my mama, I am so proud.

About halfway through the service, I felt a kind of peace settle over me. The rest was still very difficult, and I cried like a baby at points, but it did feel peaceful.

I went back to work yesterday, and am going for a promotional interview today. Daddy would not want me to just lay down and quit, so I won't.

My grandpa told me to make sure I take care of Mama and my brother, so now I have to figure out how to get money to her once a month without irritating her. She is very private, and sometimes when people try to help she feels like they pity her.

Thank you to everyone who gave me their thoughts, well wishes and prayers. I appreciate you all, and have come to feel very close to many of you. Hopefully I will feel up to spending time on my favorite sites again soon. Right now every time I go to comment, I just can't find the words. But, I love you all!

Go Big or Go Home...

The next few days may very well be the longest of my life...

For the record, my friend Diana disagrees and says that the day Daddy died will be the longest day for the rest of my life.

Monday we will have the visitation. I was planning on taking the little ones from 5-6 pm and then taking them home, because I didn't think they needed 4 hours of visitation. Then Mama called and said I need to be at the house by 11 am so we can have a family meal with Daddy's brothers who are coming in for the funeral and I need to stay until 7 pm for the visitation.

I understand where she is coming from, I really do. I just worry about the babies.

Tuesday is the funeral. We have to be there at 9:30 am and the funeral starts at 10. That will last until 11 or 11:30 and then we will have the meal. Mama is independent fundamental baptist, so they cook a lot. The family and the pall bearers will eat first so we can leave for the grave site on time. Then we will all get in the vehicle and drive to Jefferson Barracks for the burial. Then we are all driving back to her house to go to dinner before the brothers have to leave Wednesday morning.

Mama never does anything ostentatious or loud, but this? This is big. She has made all the arrangements, the casket sounds wonderful, the flowers beautiful, and they are doing a burial with full military honors. I just want it all to be over.

I think my only problem with all of this is that other than my kiddos, I? I will.be.totally.alone. I cannot bring C or the Diva to the funeral. Any support that I could get from my wife I will have to get prior to leaving Tuesday morning. On top of that, she has to work Tuesday night. She hasn't been able to take off for any of this, because according to the state of Misery, our relationship doesn't exist.

When I told her last Tuesday that she couldn't go to the funeral, she cried. I haven't seen her cry through any of this, I couldn't even tell you what she ate last weekend. Normally, for the record, I am the caretaker. I always know whether she has eaten, what she ate, if she took her prilosec and what she is doing at any given moment. I have completely lost my ability to be the caretaker.

She didn't cry because she was hurt or angry (which she is), she cried because it is one more way she can't be with me. I tried to explain that every big thing I have done in my life, I have done alone. I have birthed two out of the three babies by myself (stupid wasn't there except for the last two hours on each.) I graduated from boot camp by myself. I even came out to my parents by myself. After a while you just get used to it. But she is right, I shouldn't have to be alone during this and neither should she. This is the part that really, REALLY sucks.

In a fog...

So, now I have had a whopping 5 hours of sleep and I feel almost human.

Mama called this morning and asked me if I slept. Why yes, I fell asleep at two and slept til 7. Then she said I should call her if I needed to talk. I still can't talk coherently about any of this. I keep repeating shit and I am sure my friends are all tired of hearing about it.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, because I kept thinking I didn't tell him goodbye. I told him he did a good job, and he was so strong, but I didn't tell him I would see him again. And, I can't get that image out of my head. I am 34 years old and I feel like a 9 year old, who just can't focus. What do I do about that?

How do you wrap your head around the fact that the man who has been your dad since you were two is gone? I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do. I told my Princess that he would be okay. My fairy princess (aka the cookie queen) cried like her heart was breaking. She is 5, he was her dat! How do I make that better for them? And what do I tell my son??? My daddy was the only full time male presence he had in his life.

This just sucks, and I wish I could wake up and it would all be done. How immature is that?